Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

Dominican Republic Service-Learning Trip!

AMAZING NEWS!

I have been selected to go on a service-learning trip to La República Dominicana over Spring Break in March! I am SO excited. If you can’t tell, I am in love with Spanish and absolutely LOVE the Dominican Republic. We will be going to Colegio Moriah in San Pedro de Macorís to provide help in any way necessary. :)

The trip is about $1500 and we are encouraged to fundraise (college students, you know). Please help me get there!

http://www.gofundme.com/heart4missions

Sensually Frustrated.

There’s another side of me that I keep on the down down down low. There’s only one person in the world who knows who that person is and can unlock that part of me.

I’ve been having thoughts–quite distracting, btw–all day long about this one thing. It seems kind of pointless to write about it if I’m not going to say what it is but, I’ve got to “tell” someone. I would, of course, just talk to the one person who knows but do you ever feel like even a simple “Hello” in someone’s life is, not a nuisance, but like something unnecessarily extra that they really don’t have to deal with… like there are other important things that they’d rather give their attention, and there are.

Well, I’m done complaining or whining or venting or whatever I’m doing.

No, no, no, no, noooo!

What. Is. WRONG with me?!

This rollercoaster of emotions seems to be never-ending. I feel like a terrible person for thinking these thoughts and desiring these things… but I can’t help it.

Why why WHY, no matter how long it’s been, do I always end up here? How in the world do I always feel so “good” and “free” and just full of all this joy but then I ALWAYS find myself here again?

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. I hate to be complaining but I did not ask for this.

I’m happy. I am so happy… So why do I feel so sad?

Baby!

So my best friend from high school just had his baby the other day… He just sent me pictures and she is just beautiful.

It just stinks because he’s got his and I’ve got mine. I would love to see him and talk (not because of the baby… but I must admit that I am in love with every and all babies) but we just can’t. I mean, we could… but it wouldn’t be right. Which STINKS.

I guess it’s just one of those things that you just have to suck up. It’s life.