Losing you is like being stabbed in the heart and losing all your limbs at once.
It’s like being asked for a final plea but having nothing to say because you know you’re in the wrong but my gosh, you would defend yourself if you could.
Why does it have to hurt so bad…it hurts my heart and I can feel it. I can physically feel the heartache.
I know what you left. I understand why you couldn’t stay…
But my gosh, why did you have to go?
The two situations can’t compare. You were so much better. You are so much better.
Nothing is worth that.
Just come back. Please. Come back.
…crying and trying to find comfort in something.
The only thing I can think of is “The LORD giveth and the LORD taketh away.”
But it still hurts.
Just when you thought you were doing well…
How do you say sorry when you’ve hurt beyond belief the one person you NEVER thought you would?
How do you say sorry and try to repair what is totally damaged?
How do you say sorry for not loving the one person you love…?
How do you say sorry when you feel like complete sh*t and they’re still angry about it?
How do you say sorry when you feel like a fool for turning your head and looking the other way?
How do you say sorry when your sole presence brings chaos and pain…?
How do you say sorry to the person?
How do you forgive yourself?
How do you move on?
I hear it. I feel it. I believe it.
Then I feel like I’m just a number two.
The one thing I never did was make you feel like number two.
The rage turned into anger.
The anger turned into sadness.
Everything hurts even still… but it’s progress.
I’m trying to be happy again.
I’m trying to be understanding.
I’m trying to be alright…
I’m trying to not get angry.
I’m trying to let my sadness take its course.
I’m trying to not assume.,.
I’m trying to trust.
I’m trying to not be paranoid.
I’m trying to breathe…
I am a happy person.
I am cheerful.
I am loud.
I am positive.
I am caring.
I am understanding.
I am loving.
I am not an angry person.
I am not mean.
I am not violent.
I am not indifferent.
I am not selfish.
I am no longer allowing emotions to create actions that define who I am or what I stand for.
I am trying to no longer allow people to dictate who I am and who I am not.
I am Jermane.
I am 23.
I am Christian.
I am loving.
I am bisexual.
And I am becoming exactly who I am meant to be.
Have you ever experienced an anger so great that it completely consumed you?
Have you ever felt anger so strong that it made you feel like a monster?
Have you ever exploded on the one you love because your actions were uncontrollable?
This anger comes from sadness, anger, jealousy, false hope, regret, and lies.
This anger comes from years of suppressing all negative emotions until they burst inside of you.
This anger comes from not knowing how to deal with these emotions and letting them get the best of you.
I want it to go away. I want all the anger and sadness and jealousy and loneliness to go away. You would think people who are constantly surrounded by people wouldn’t feel lonely. It’s natural to think it, but anyone who’s experienced it knows that isn’t true.
Everyone wants to be understood. Everyone wants to be cared for. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel like they aren’t their mistakes. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Everyone wants to know that they are loved beyond their imperfections.
Everyone wants to hear, “It’s okay. I understand you. I still love you. I’m here for you.” But more importantly than hearing it, they want to feel it.
So even when you get control of this anger and rage and feel like you are getting somewhere and hear these things, if you feel nothing–if you feel unloved and unappreciated and seen as your mistakes–, the rage will return and fill the void.
And then you’re left alone. All alone with you and your pain.