Don’t Call Me Religious!!!

Okay, you guys. This is a burning… whatever you want to call it. My face squinches up whenever someone describes me (or even themselves) as “religious.” You know who was religious? The Pharisees. The Pharisees were religious. The religious people in the Bible were those who strictly abided by the law of Moses and were quick to punish someone who did not (like dragging a woman caught in adultery, who may not even have had clothes on, to Jesus [John 8:1-11]). Though in reality, they were pretty corrupt themselves. I don’t know too too much about them (I’ll probably write on them specifically when I get to the New Testament), but I do know that those were the people who were the ones who were trying to stone Jesus (who must have been an incredibly fast runner, by the way… always slipping away like that). JESUS, I said!! The One Who came to save! The religious people in the Bible were the ones who read the Word of God but when Jesus came and God’s Word “came true,” for lack of better words, they did not even (all) believe Jesus was the Messiah. (They were divided at certain points… In John 9 when Jesus healed a man born blind on the Sabbath and the man brought himself to the Pharisees, “Some of the Pharisees said, ‘This man Jesus is not from God, for he is working on the Sabbath.’ Others said, ‘But how could an ordinary sinner do such miraculous signs?’ So there was a deep division of opinion among them.” [John 9:16]) I don’t want to get too much into the religious people of the Bible because I have not read the New Testament in full and do not want to say anything that is not true. But I just wanted to give that “background information,” you could say.

The religious people today, to me, are the shake your finger, point your finger, tell you you’re “going to hell” if you don’t change, “God don’t like ugly”-saying, “God hates you if you’re xyz”-believing people. What IS that? We can’t speak for God UNLESS it is written in His Word (and we use that specific word correctly) or He directly (and sometimes indirectly, but we have to be careful) speaks to us. Romans 5:6-8 says, “For when we were still without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die; yet perhaps for a good man someone would even dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (NKJV) If God did not love us or hated us for our sin, He never would have sent Jesus to die for us! God is the God of LOVE, not hate! So for someone, in my opinion, to say that God hates a person because of a sin they commit makes NO sense! Does God even say that He hates anyone in the Bible? Again, I’ve yet to read it in its entirety but in the Old Testament when He was warning the Israelites to not live as those He was driving out of the Promised Land in Deuteronomy, He says that He gives us the CHOICE of a blessing or a curse. God did not want to curse them! He LOVED them. The SINS the people were committing were detestable to God, NOT the people. How many times did the Israelites break the rules? How many times did God show His love and faithfulness? Mhm! Deuteronomy 23:4-5 says that though Balaam, son of Beor, was hired to curse the Israelites, he wasn’t able to. 5″But the LORD your God refused to listen to Balaam. He turned the intended curse into a blessing because the LORD your God loves you.” (NLT) And in Isaiah 1:18, God shows His love for us when He says, “‘Come now, and let us reason together,’ says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool.'” (NKJV) LOVE! We are sinners by nature, therefore, everyone who has said, does say, and will say that commits sins as well! And a sin is a sin is a sin! If you break one Commandment, you have broken them all! James 2:10 says, “For the person who keeps all of the laws except one is as guilty as a person who has broken all of God’s laws.” (NLT) So no one could ever say that God hates you because you sin this way, but loves me because I only sin in this “little” way. And sin does not only come by breaking the Commandments. If a person knows that something- ANYTHING is wrong and then does it, that is a sin! James 4:17 says to “Remember, it is a sin to know what you ought to do and then not do it.” Whether it is boasting in anyone but the Lord, not tithing (which is robbing from God, but there is so much more to tithing than just giving, so I may have to get into that later), swearing, becoming drunk, partying, etc. How many times do any of us do something feel the need to go through the ol’ have-fun-today-then-go-to-church-and-repent-on-Sunday process? Seriously, none of us can say that we are more right with God than anyone else. We do not know a person’s struggle and lifestyle like God does, nor do we even know our own like He does! God loves us IN SPITE of our sins! And He always has! That’s why He sent Jesus to SAVE us and DIE for us so that we may LIVE for Him then eventually live WITH Him! Amen! That deserves a “HALLELUJAH!”

But I think I have gotten off topic… haha. But basically, “religious” people, to me, are those who condemn, rather than convict. People who speak out of disgust to “change” a person, rather than out of love to help them. I am not religious. I can’t think of a word to describe my faith or relationship with God, but one thing’s for sure: “Religious” is not the word!

Because It Happened

Smiling

Because it happened

Dancing

Because it happened

Laughing

Because it happened

Understanding

Because it happened

Thanking

Because it happened.

I never understood why someone would say, “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” Obviously my response was, “Why would I smile?? IT’S OVER.” But I’ve recently come to the better realization that God allows us to go through everything He puts us through for a reason. Whether it is something happy or sad, I’ve learned to rejoice. When I think about high school (goodness gracious), I can SMILE because everything that has happened taught me how to value myself, what to look for in a person, and helped me better understand what to expect in a male. When I think about the hard times my family has gone through, I can SMILE because everything that has happened has made me value my family even more and understand the importance of not only having a family, but BEING a family. When I think about my past relationship, I can SMILE because everything that has happened has taught me an unbelievable amount of things about myself, my relationships, and about really listening to God. When I think about “David,” we’ll call him, I can SMILE because everything that has happened taught me to STOP, look at the situation, look at my motives, look inside myself, know my self-worth, think and consider everything about the other person, and to really, above all else, focus on God. I did not understand anything at first and I still do not understand everything now, but I’ve learned something so important about myself, people, and other vital things.

I can smile through everything. YOU can smile through everything! And why not do it? What’s frowning ever gotten anyone? Wrinkles, darling. Wrinkles.

So smile. 🙂

Gender Roles

I feel like this page is evolving… I haven’t had the need to post any releases lately (as in since… whenever the last time was that I posted one) but we’ll see where this goes!

So in one of my English classes, we read a play and have to do a context research assignment on the early 1900s. We all got to choose our topics and I chose “women.” Pretty huge, so I split it up into three different subtopics: Women’s roles, the view of women, and domestic violence.

Women’s roles in the early 1900s were what they still are now: Keeping the house, caring for children, and (contrary to today) staying at home (if the woman was single or if her husband was not making enough money).

The view of women was… I can’t even think of a word. Incompetent, to say the least. Men didn’t need women, women were seen to have simple minds and needed men!

Domestic violence, I’ve come to the conclusion, didn’t exist. If your husband hit you, he hit you.

Now, here’s my take on gender roles (women specifically), regardless of the year. Women should keep the house together and care for the children, naturally. But I mean she needs to like DO IT do it. When I am blessed with my man of God and a fabulous marriage, oh my goodness… It will be just… ah! Haha. When my husband comes home, there is going to be dinner (or lunch) waiting for him, always. When he wakes up in the morning, he will have breakfast ready, always, regardless of the time I have to be somewhere. The house will always be kept clean. So clean, dirt and dust will look at it and won’t even want to mess it up! A woman should always keep the house (and children, if there are any) together and make it a haven for her man.

I’ve been viewed as a lowly woman before, so I’m not sure how to take my own personal view of how I’d like my future husband to see me, or how any husband should see his wife for that matter. I know that he should respect the fact that she indeed is the weaker vessel, even if she does not want to admit it. He should care for her, remember that she is delicate, and treat her with complete delicacy. I will say, though it may rage a person or two, that when a woman gets out of line, she should be reminded of her position in the marriage. I can’t say what that reminder should be (simply because I do not know), but the woman should never try to be the man. It just doesn’t work that way.

Domestic violence. Hmm… I guess this goes into the woman being reminded of her position. But obviously, this is to an extreme… I don’t know. I mean, if you’ve read my older posts, you know that I’ve been abused but it seemed… necessary? I don’t know, I don’t want to sound crazy but it just seems like that’s how it is. Now, in NO way am I condoning this or saying that it is “essential” for marriage or to keep the woman in her place. Not at all. I’m just saying, that’s what I’m used to. I feel like sometimes it’s just inevitable. Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe one day I’ll see different.

So those are my opinions! 🙂

Great Friends

Great Friends

This past Saturday, my friend asked my how my Valentine’s Day was. I told him it was just a regular Thursday. So later that day before he left work he surprised me with this. Chocolate and a granola bar? My favorites!
Great friends. 🙂

Again…

This semester is trying to kill me. On my first day of english, I found out that we were reading “Little Red Riding Hood.” Fine by me, right? However, we were reading the original version, written in 1697 (along with other 17th century versions). It is all about sex. And staying away from “wolves” that cause trouble, but this trouble is being “eaten.” I remember the first day I came to the class, I so desperately wanted to walk out. Things like this make me so mad. But praise the Lord, we are finally done with that story.

But now, oh NOW, in my other english class, we are discussing slavery. When you are discussing slavery, the terms “slave” and “master” get thrown around a lot. I don’t like that… Not to mention, one of the books we are discussing deals with a master trying to get his female slave to submit sexually to him. I hate this so much. I have been trying to work on an essay for this class and for about the past hour and I have not been able to focus because of this. It makes me think about everything… I hate it so much.

During times like this, I really have to lean on the Lord. My flesh so deeply desires to have a male to run and talk to for the physical support and comfort, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to run to God and pour out everything to Him. He is the only one Who can bring healing: mind, body, and spirit. God, I need You… Te necesito otra vez. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep, wake up in Heaven, and just be there, lying in Jesus’ arms. Oh, how wonderful would that be! Nothing could ever bother me after an encounter like that. I know I have to trust in the Lord and really study His Word but of course, I’m at war. My spirit says to go to the Lord. He is my strength and my Strong Tower. My flesh says to go talk to someone. Someone who can make me “feel better.” Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going to a man or woman of God for help. Goodness gracious, I don’t know where I would be without some of the lovely ladies I go to. But something’s telling me to go back to someone who will give me the same temporary satisfaction that requires a daily fill-up. No. Absolutely not. Seriously, ew. But something inside me wishes that there was a male that I could talk to. Someone who knows what respect is, gives it, deserves it, and knows that I do too. But I can’t tell if that’s selfish or not. I can’t tell if that’s my own fleshly desire or if that really should be my go-to for godly counsel. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter anyway, I guess.

Leaning on the Lord. I can’t let this attack take me.

All Is Well

So I’m over it. I’m over this whole thing… If God says, “Yes” then GREAT. If God says, “No” then I’ll have someone even better. It is silly to sit and wait on someone with no guaranteed promises. But I am fine… three weeks later, I am fine. Funny how we were three weeks talking then three weeks for me to be fully alright! I do miss it though. It was nice while it lasted. It gave me a reason to smile, and maybe that was its sole purpose. Now I am just waiting for God to give me an even BIGGER reason. Whether it is him or someone else. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore… I’d never deny God’s blessings!! 🙂

Maybe you think I am taking this too seriously. I mean, it was just three weeks. But you don’t understand. I felt something that I have never felt before. It was respect. Now by no means did I like him because of respect. Because what if that went away? Would I still like him? Anyway, I like(d) him because of everything he (is and) was. Along with his cuteness. There were things I did not like, of course, but man… I really thought, and still think, that he was something. But back to taking this too seriously. I am going to make this loud and clear:

I am not looking for a boyfriend.

A boyfriend, in my mind, is someone you spend time with, hold hands with, kiss with, make stupid mistakes with, then break up with. If I wanted that then… I don’t even know. It’s silly to me. I am waiting for God to send me the one who I will give myself to, who will take me, and who I will spend my entire life cherishing. I think I’ve said this before but I am not looking to get married tomorrow or anytime soon. But to know who I am going to marry would mean so much to me. Fortunately though, I know God is preparing a mighty man for me. That itself allows me to sit in the comfort of knowing that one day, he will come. Maybe I’ve met him already, maybe I have yet to, but I will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he will come. I’m not worried. 😉

A Victorious Haunting

I feel so disgusting. The one who… did everything messaged me yesterday with a long and sincere apology. He was already forgiven, but he told me everything that needed to be said and that I needed to hear. I thought I was one step closer to healing.

But the memories are still coming back. Not just the violent ones- it is everything. I don’t understand why they won’t go away. I mean, this all wasn’t too long ago but it’s not like everything happened yesterday. I feel like isolating myself sometimes and just releasing everything. But I know that doesn’t lead to healing. It’d make me feel better for a little while but since when does crying solve anything?

But still, I HATE feeling this way. I don’t understand why everything is still here… and I hate being all sad and depressed like this. It’s embarrassing. I’d much rather smile. I don’t know. I just wish this haunting would stop. Earlier, I was in the zone! Listening to alabanzas and baby music (I love my Praise Baby!), doing homework, and the only thing that was distracting me was GOD and all His goodness. Then all of a sudden! Ugh, that’s the enemy right there. he doesn’t like me happy and focusing on God (though that goes without saying). No wonder these memories “just so happened” to be whispered in my ear. But it’s fine. I am victorious, for I am on the RIGHTEOUS side and I am never letting go of the LORD. And I won’t cry… Oh no, I will not shed a tear. I will praise. I will laugh. I will dance. I will pray. I will rejoice. I will smile. I will lift my head. I will look to God.

“I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2

One day…

I know, I know. Posting on February 14th, ya sé, ya sé. But I want to record my dream…

I haven’t dreamt this though. Just… thought it up. 🙂

One day I want a man- the man- the mighty man of GOD- MY mighty man of GOD to surprise me. I want him to plan it all out. The works. I dream that one day my mighty man will surprise me, whether it is at work, school, my house, church… I want him to come up to me all dressed up in a black suit, white button-down, tie (maybe even a bow tie… they are adorable, but not necessary), and nice shoes, smelling amazing with a bouquet of red roses. I want him to find me, and when he does, I want him to never take his eyes off me. Then when our eyes meet, I want to see the look of just… deepdeep affection. Like I am not just the only person in the room but the only person in the whole world. Then when we come together… I don’t know. He could say, “Very pretty you be” and I’d probably just melt, haha.

So that’s my dream. The start of it anyway. Maybe more thoughts will come later. But that alone would just be… amazing. More than amazing.

Most Recent Release.

This is from today. About 10 minutes ago, actually. I know it’s a lot. But I just kept on writing.

‘Nother rant…

I just wish I had someone that would listen sometimes. To not tell me everything I “need” to hear because I’ve heard it or read it a thousand times before. I don’t believe I’m completely healed. I think if I saw him… I don’t know. Somedays, I’d be just fine but times like now, I don’t know what I’d do. There are some days where I just dislike every single guy in the world. Not because they have done anything to me but because they can, they are able to. They are able to tell you sweet or assuring things that seem to mean so much and be so sincere but really, it was all a lie. Everything said was something to get you to develop trust then they just destroy it all. And you, left there feeling so stupid, and even more stupid after every time because you foolishly trust them over and over again. But that’s all you have. The “love” and “care” and “respect” from that person is all you have. So it doesn’t matter what he does to you. It doesn’t matter if he curses you out or pulls you by the hair or bangs your head up against the wall or take your clothes off then throw them on the other side of the room while holding you down so you can’t reach them or forces himself on you over and over again until you are just used to it and used to being disappointed, not in him, but in yourself for trusting this guy and thinking that he cares about you or even likes you because he doesn’t and he is really just being possessive and controlling and showing all of his power over you and placing an irrevocable fear in you so that you know that you’d better not go anywhere or raise your voice or disobey him because he has the power and he will remind you of that power by any means necessary. Whether it is a slap in the face or tearing off your jeans. He will remind you and you won’t forget. God forbid you do because… he’ll just remind you again.

But why can’t I just have someone who will genuinely care for me? Why isn’t there anyone in the world who can have complete respect for me, even when I don’t have respect for myself? When I don’t even realize that I am degrading myself for going back to this guy or for doing anything! Why can’t there be a guy that is sweet and gentle with me? Who is always taking care of me? Who is not yelling at me? Who does not force me to do anything that I don’t want to do or force himself on me when I don’t want him to? Why can’t there be a guy who just listens to me? Who truly does care for me? I know there’s one out there, I know, but where is he? Where is this guy who desires to wait with me? Where is this guy who is going to fight for me and never stop because he knows that I am worth everything? Where is the guy who is going to come to my doorstep and talk to my father because he knows that unless he is clear with him that nothing is going to happen, and if it does then it is not going to get far? Where is the guy that will gently brush the hair out of my face so he can see me better? Where is the guy that will hold me, not hold me down? Where is the guy that will spiritually lead me? Where is the guy that puts God above me and all other things? I know he’s out there, I know, but where is he? I know it’s all in God’s timing, I know, but having patience is hard. I know I’m young, I know, but I’m not asking to get married tomorrow.

I just want the guy- THIS guy who is everything I said and everything more that I can’t even imagine or ask for, to erase all of the bad memories. I want him to make me forget about everything that has ever happened or that I have ever done because it is forgiven and it is gone and it shouldn’t be in my mind anymore. I just want this guy to get here already. I want him to come and to protect me from everyone else. I’m so tired of being afraid of men. I’m tired of being nervous when I have to be alone with one. I am tired of freaking out because some guy gave me a nasty, leery look so I imagine things in my head of what that person could do or what he could’ve done to me all that time ago. Things that never happened and things that never will happen. I just want everything to be gone. I don’t want this anymore. I am so sick and tired of these memories repeatedly coming back to haunt me. It’s like… since I’m not doing these things anymore, I have to be tortured somehow. If it’s not by my actions then it has to be by my past ones and my past silent cries and my past tears and my past failures and my past mistakes and my past times where I got carried away and my past days of putting up with abuse and my past disrespect for myself and my past inferiority to this self-proclaimed alpha male who turned out to be nothing but a controlling and possessive and obsessive excuse for a man who uses his natural strength to take control and possess what was never rightfully his. Someone who thought taking the heart of someone meant that he was allowed to take everything else. Someone who thought that because he fed someone and bought them some things that he could have his way with them whenever he wanted. But he’s not the only one to blame. I allowed it. I allowed everything. I allowed him to talk down on me. I allowed him into my room. I allowed him keep on coming back. I forgave him after everything he did and almost every single time, never brought it up again. I held back almost all of my tears while he was doing what he was doing so that he wouldn’t feel guilty. I allowed it to happen. I even convinced myself that I deserved it. Some of it. I still feel like punching someone. I feel like punching a guy in his stomach like a punching bag over and over and over again because of all the power he has. I am fine and all for the male dominance over females and that is how I believe things should always be but for some of them to abuse their power like that? It’s just not fair. It’s not fair at all and us females always end up getting the short end of the stick.

I want to punch this guy (not the guy who did everything, a different one) so badly that he just turns into the one I want him to be. The one who cares for me and loves me and takes care of me and is gentle with me. That’s all I want. I want him to be gentle and to respect me. Do I not deserve it? After everything that has happened, do I not deserve to be completely respected? To be looked at as a gem- no, as a jewel and not a piece of something. Not a little Raggedy Ann doll that can be thrown around all over the room. That can be tossed and turned, into whatever position was right for him (not the guy I want to punch, but the guy who did everything). I deserve it after all of the “please”s and the “no”s and the “stop”s and all of them combined. I deserve it. I know I deserve it. I deserve to be healed. WHY can’t I be healed? Why won’t this go away? Why can I not seem to go a day or a few days without being reminded of everything? Without wanting and just longing to tell someone everything but having not one ear to listen? Just 5000 ears to tell me to “Give it all up to God” and to “Let go and let God.” I am all for godly counsel and the world knows that God is my rock and my refuge and my fortress and my Deliverer and the absolute love of my life but sometimes, I just want someone to listen. I just want someone to listen to me for hours or for five minutes. That is where my healing might come in. God knows, God was there. He saw everything. And He’s heard me say it a thousand times. But I just want to tell someone. To have him be right next to me. To hug me afterwards. To offer his shoulder to me. To tell me not to cry or to be afraid anymore. I want to hear him say it. I want to feel him next to me. But no one will listen. No one says anything about it. But who could blame them? If I were in their position, I wouldn’t bring it up either. But deep down inside, I am longing for someone to just ask me, “Jermane… What did he do to you?” And then for them to just sit there and listen. They don’t have to understand. HE does not have to understand. I just want him to be there for me, to be there with me, and just listen. That’s all…

But he’s not here. Oh God, please… When will he get here?

Initial Release

This is from January 23, 2013.

Keep in mind that this is a rant. A non-grammar-checked or spell-checked rant.

I get so frustrated sometimes thinking about things that have happened before… I am over it and all is forgiven but sometimes the memories just come out of nowhere. Then my mind likes to play tricks on me. Making me think that this would happen or that could’ve happened. It’s terrible. And all I can do is think about it until it goes away or try really hard to focus my mind on something else. I don’t know why I put up with everything he said to me, everything he did to me. It was my own fault for continuously opening that door. I shouldn’t have. But that was “love.” He loved me and cared for me like no one else ever could or wanted to. He made sure I was always taken care of. How could I ask for anything more than that? So when he wanted something or demanded something, it was hard to say, “No.” And even when I did, it never really mattered, did it? No… it didn’t. He was the man, I was the woman, and I’d better have listened to everything he said and I better have done everything exactly the way he told me to. I couldn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t make him mad. I couldn’t resist him. I couldn’t push him away. Even when I tried my hardest, it’s like he took all the strength away from me. I’d plead with him and try to get away but I couldn’t. He had me. How could someone tell you they care for you when they completely disrespect you? He could’ve bought me a house, a new car, and a diamond ring but to disrespect me? That’s no form of “love.” And I don’t know why I didn’t see it. “Distance makes us wise.” So when I did realize it and when I actually got the respect I deserved, I couldn’t handle it. I still can’t handle it. I am still waiting for the day when I realize that the wool has been over my eyes this entire time. But it’s not like that. I know it’s not like that. But I’m not sure how to handle the most perfect situation I have ever been put in. Especially when memories from before decide to creep in and especially when I am waiting for the day where I am re-convinced that every male in this world thinks the same things, says the same things, and lacks respect and consideration for females. But it’s not true. I know it’s not true. It can’t be true- are you kidding me? The way I’ve been feeling lately has been an all-time high and I can’t even begin to describe it. I just hope that all this goodness will one day drown out all of the madness from before. It’s not fair that I can’t be completely happy and focused. “Back then” just needs to die already.