I feel so disgusting. The one who… did everything messaged me yesterday with a long and sincere apology. He was already forgiven, but he told me everything that needed to be said and that I needed to hear. I thought I was one step closer to healing.
But the memories are still coming back. Not just the violent ones- it is everything. I don’t understand why they won’t go away. I mean, this all wasn’t too long ago but it’s not like everything happened yesterday. I feel like isolating myself sometimes and just releasing everything. But I know that doesn’t lead to healing. It’d make me feel better for a little while but since when does crying solve anything?
But still, I HATE feeling this way. I don’t understand why everything is still here… and I hate being all sad and depressed like this. It’s embarrassing. I’d much rather smile. I don’t know. I just wish this haunting would stop. Earlier, I was in the zone! Listening to alabanzas and baby music (I love my Praise Baby!), doing homework, and the only thing that was distracting me was GOD and all His goodness. Then all of a sudden! Ugh, that’s the enemy right there. he doesn’t like me happy and focusing on God (though that goes without saying). No wonder these memories “just so happened” to be whispered in my ear. But it’s fine. I am victorious, for I am on the RIGHTEOUS side and I am never letting go of the LORD. And I won’t cry… Oh no, I will not shed a tear. I will praise. I will laugh. I will dance. I will pray. I will rejoice. I will smile. I will lift my head. I will look to God.
“I lift my eyes unto the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and earth.” Psalm 121:1-2