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Late Night Self-Reflection: My Heart

I have always been a romantic… ever since I was little. My father told me the other day that when I was little (3 or 4, I believe), I would sing this Stevie Wonder song about love. I can’t remember which song it was but he said that I was singing this grown-up song about love and I was so serious! Haha, he was surprised, but it’s no surprise now. More recently, he told me the things that I had to work on. One of them was having such an open heart. I don’t open myself up to everyone. You actually have to be some kind of wonderful in order for me to do so. But within the past three years I had fallen for a male, then ended up very much liking two others. I was with the guy I fell for for a little over 18 months until I broke up with him. I didn’t want to, but I felt like God was telling me that he was not the one for me. I ignored it for months but after a while, I had to show God Who I truly loved more. But anyway, I gave my all to this guy. If he ever asked for anything or told me to do anything, I’d do it… Not always the first time ;P but I would. I was head over heels. Smitten, if you will. And I cannot accentuate that enough. I opened up my heart completely to him. He was my first love… We did everything together and saw our futures standing side-by-side. So I started to act like his wife, unconsciously, but my lover turned on me, and I allowed it.

So after I ended it with him, I started talking to this guy who had liked me since the SIXTH GRADE. How adorable. He was everything I wanted but guess what! He had a girlfriend. I should say that that is a terrible, inevitable bad habit of mine… can’t ever like anyone who is single! It’s a shame. Anyway, he had the most complicated status of his relationship. But after a while, I realized that he wasn’t respecting me (obviously, right?). And I think the fact that he was and is so close to God and so into the Word and cares so much about souls blinded me. He is a man of God! Who cared if he broke the rules, right? Wrong. I opened up my heart to him… and I’m sure you can guess how the story ends. Disappointment. He ended up back with his girlfriend… back and forth actually. Idk, he’s single now. But now I’m over it and indifferent. But I cannot put all the blame on him. I knew he had a girlfriend. And though I stopped talking to him while he was in the relationship, I still shouldn’t have always been RIGHT there when he told me that it was over or they were on “break” or any of that. I am so silly sometimes. I just wish I could catch myself in the act. I thought something would come of it, so I had no problem waiting on the sidelines. Shame on me.

So after all that nonsense was over and after the year ended, I decided to start fresh. I did not and do not want any type of relationship that God does not want for me. I don’t want anyone touching me, whether it is just playing around or not. I don’t want to kiss anyone. I don’t want to hang out with anyone… And by “anyone,” I mean males, of course. What’s the point anyway? I don’t want to make memories with someone that I have to one day forget. I don’t want someone touching me or kissing me if I don’t belong to him. As of right now, I am the property of the God Most High and I live under the roof of my father. So to have anyone do anything to me would just be a shame. Now let me say, I am not going to wait until I’m married to kiss anyone. I might explode, haha. But when I meet up with the one that God has for me and I know without a doubt in my mind that he is the one for me, when I know that he feels the same, when he courts me, when he asks me to be “worldly” his (as in, his girlfriend), and when he promises me (I want him to promise) that he will be mine, that I will be his, that he will protect me, that he desires me to take care of him and his house, that his heart will belong to me and only me, and that he desires mine to be his and only his, THEN I will kiss him… haha. A lot of prereqs, huh? I just don’t want to give away my love to someone who will be forgotten. And if a man can do all this y sólo para mi, oh, he deserves five thousand kisses!

Now onto the most recent… You guys already know about him, if you’ve read earlier posts. That is, if I didn’t hide them. Well, if I did, this guy was just… oh my goodness. He just… I don’t even know. He was amazing. Still is, I’m sure. He was a gentleman. Still is, I know. He was respectful and respectable. Still is, of course. But things are different now. Maybe for the better. I’m sure you can guess what happened. I so foolishly and innocently opened my heart to him. All attention, no secrets, no restrictions. Mind you, it was nothing bad. It was never anything bad but… he was just going through something. It wasn’t the right time. Either that or I unknowingly did something terribly wrong. Either way, I unintentionally opened up. It just happened. Everything was so different and things looked so great. But of course…

One of my problems is that I open up my heart too easily. And to MAN. The only One I should be opening up my heart to is God and I should be patiently waiting for Him to place the one He made for me on my path. So that we may both, at the right time, open ourselves up to each other. Slowly and keeping all focus on not each other, but God. Easier said than done. I mean, it’ll be easy, I hope, to stop opening myself up, but sometimes… Okay, the most recent guy, I still like him, I do. And I used to think about him all the time. But after a while, I gave it up to God and I was fine! Of course he still crossed my mind but nothing too much. But now, I’ll see his name in the most random places or I’ll see a name that I used to call him in my Spanish book or I’ll be online looking at dresses and see an entire section of them that relate to his title or I’ll see something that would make him smile or laugh… Really? Come on, life, this has never happened before. Right when I had concentration too.

My dad also said that he believes that if I “found” a good Christian man, that I would be devoted to him for the rest of my life. If he gave his all to me and I believed that God would bless the relationship, I would be… That’s just how I am, and that is how I know I will be. One day, after a lot of growth and maturing, I will be able to give my mighty man of God and future husband all my love, which is everything he deserves.


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