First Kiss

So I was thinking about it and… my first kiss was disgusting. Hahaha, I literally did NOT want to kiss anyone again and did not understand why anyone did it in the first place. I came home and washed my mouth out! (I was 14.)

So I want to know about yours! 🙂

 

By the way, I looked at my stats and thank you so much to anyone who has been reading or visiting my blog since I took my sorta-kinda-hiatus. My last final is on May 10th! So the writing will return soon after I get more than 6 hours of sleep. 🙂 Muchisimas gracias!

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Something Gentle

That would be nice… Something gentle to erase all of the rough times, the aggressive memories, the violent moments.

It hurts. I can’t take having to stop everything I am doing all the time because I can’t focus due to every thought that finds its way back into my mind. But now, lately, my mind has changed it up. It brings to me things that WOULD happen had I not left. How my future would have or could have been. It’s not pretty. The pain I would have been in, the inescapable situation I would have left myself in… it’s hard to explain.

But these thoughts lead me to wanting something. Someone. I hate it. Knowing that my flesh longs for someone upsets me. But this someone… whoever he is… is already so amazing. This someone is the one who would touch me tenderly, caress me gently, hold me tightly. Tight enough to feel protected but loose enough to not feel owned.

Yes, this someone is amazing. This someone kisses me passionately and has nothing by deep, true, affectionate, doting love for me. This person

This person doesn’t exist. It pains me to think about it. I don’t want to want anyone… but I can’t help it.

I go back and forth in my mind between feeling a deep longing to feeling so angry at myself. I want someone to take everything away from my memory but how could I ever want someone to do that for me? All I have to do is pray. Yes, I’ve been praying and yes, time has healed me but the memories are still here and new, fictional ones are forming. It’s not fair.

God has always been enough for me. But my flesh is just doing its thing. It wants someone. My flesh doesn’t want to be alone anymore. It misses having someone and being someone’s.

This person:” I don’t know who you are but I want you. Erase all your bad connotations of “want,” because THAT is not what I want. All I want is you.

Nobody Wants A Good Girl

I went to the mall with my brother today and I saw breasts, legs, stomachs, breasts, and behinds. I also saw some freshman-looking boys take off and lift up their shirts while hitting on these random girls then tried to show off by doing push-ups then got made fun of because some other guys started doing push-ups and taking their shirts off as well. But anyway…

I’ll see girls everywhere getting all this crazy attention. Girls who dress provocatively, girls who wear close to nothing, girls who drink, girls who smoke, girls who swear, girls who party, girls who cover themselves with make-up, girls who willingly expose themselves, girls who are inappropriate, girls seeking attention… Some days I say to myself, “I don’t do anything!” None of that. None of that. It didn’t always make sense in my mind as to why anyone would want a girl to be theirs who is like that, to any degree. I’m not talking about attention as in compliments and getting hit on. Guys just do that to try to butter you up so they can get what they want because you look easy, to put it plainly.

I realized very recently that the world doesn’t want the good girls. Not at ALL. The world doesn’t want the girls who don’t kiss or touch or have sex or drink or smoke or show themselves off. However, if they do, it’s to be the first one to take away some of their innocence. That’s what the world wants.

A while ago this guy that I liked when I was 15/16 and I came in contact with one another. We started talking and everything was fine, you know… then he asked me to send him a picture of myself. On the FIRST day we started talking. Yeah. I know. But whatever, I ignored it and got over it. But then he just… he told me that we were going to hang out and he wanted me to at least be “willing” to… do him a favor. Gross Out City, I know. Eventually, after my repeated times of saying, “No” and after finally having to tell him that I was not going to be alone with him, especially in a bedroom because I don’t think it’s ladylike, he got upset and said that there “really must be something wrong with” me. Yupp.

So nope! The world doesn’t want girls like us. Who needs good girls when there are “bad” girls everywhere giving the world what they want? But you know what I say? I say, save the good girls- the ladies for the good guys- the gentlemen. That’s what I want! Isn’t that what you want? (Nod “yes.”) Okay, great! I thought so! I’d much rather wait patiently for a gentleman than quickly get some… guy who isn’t even interested in getting to know who I am. Who sees past the fact that I am, as we all should be, a “good” girl.

A Simple Prayer

Dwelling on the lyrics of the song, “A Simple Prayer:”

“Make me an instrument of Your peace”
Remove everything in me that is not of You. All anger, hatred, jealousy, bitterness… Anything that stunts growth and prohibits peace from overflowing inside of me and flowing out of me. So that it will reach every person I come in contact with.

“I want to know what it’s like to follow You”
A sister said, “Being a Christian is not for wimps.” If I truly want to know what it’s like to follow God, I need to deny myself every second of everyday in every trial and in every situation of temptation. If I really want to know what it’s like to follow You, I will take up my own cross and suffer for the LORD, just as He has suffered for me. Then, as He saw righteousness, I will see righteousness.

“When men look at me, I want them to see the Light of the world inside”
I must, to the best of my own ability, walk in the GOODNESS of God, so that other people may see the Light… without knowing who I am or what I’ve done or where I’ve been. I must flee from all evil and all temptation and run directly to God and be empowered by His Word, inspired by His promise, and filled with His Spirit so that others may see His light shining on me and His light shining through me.

It’s a simple prayer, but it has so much meaning.