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Something Gentle

That would be nice… Something gentle to erase all of the rough times, the aggressive memories, the violent moments.

It hurts. I can’t take having to stop everything I am doing all the time because I can’t focus due to every thought that finds its way back into my mind. But now, lately, my mind has changed it up. It brings to me things that WOULD happen had I not left. How my future would have or could have been. It’s not pretty. The pain I would have been in, the inescapable situation I would have left myself in… it’s hard to explain.

But these thoughts lead me to wanting something. Someone. I hate it. Knowing that my flesh longs for someone upsets me. But this someone… whoever he is… is already so amazing. This someone is the one who would touch me tenderly, caress me gently, hold me tightly. Tight enough to feel protected but loose enough to not feel owned.

Yes, this someone is amazing. This someone kisses me passionately and has nothing by deep, true, affectionate, doting love for me. This person

This person doesn’t exist. It pains me to think about it. I don’t want to want anyone… but I can’t help it.

I go back and forth in my mind between feeling a deep longing to feeling so angry at myself. I want someone to take everything away from my memory but how could I ever want someone to do that for me? All I have to do is pray. Yes, I’ve been praying and yes, time has healed me but the memories are still here and new, fictional ones are forming. It’s not fair.

God has always been enough for me. But my flesh is just doing its thing. It wants someone. My flesh doesn’t want to be alone anymore. It misses having someone and being someone’s.

This person:” I don’t know who you are but I want you. Erase all your bad connotations of “want,” because THAT is not what I want. All I want is you.


2 thoughts on “Something Gentle

  1. The struggle between flesh and spirit will always be ongoing battle. It seems you are giving into the flesh for your selfish ways. You feel paticulary lonely and stressed and sad about whoever did what to you. You want to feel wanted and kissed and touched. All for the purpose of what? To clear yourself? Then when that purpose is fulfilled, what then? That will only bring forth a temporary solution, not a permanent one. Like a treatment. You need a cure not your own way of treatment. You need to stop with all the negativity, look at were its taking you, with fictional thoughts. Put your trust in God. Its a trial of God and your flesh. Conquer your flesh, own it. Additionally, and more than relavent; is that you hold some sort of bond with your ex [if that’s whom you speak of] It’s not as negative as you say. It amazes me that after reading your blog for the past couple of months, that it’s him you talk about. It’s all negative with the boy, and I understand. However, if he was that bad and hurtful towards you, then why talk about him? Aren’t we as Christian shown that forgiveness is the key to removing impurities from the mind and heart? Hearing the negative AND half a persons side of the story is hardly the whole book, I would like to know why still attached to him. Women, as much as myself, like to see the bad boys who did us wrong and to stay away from them. My current husband, used to be a complete jerk when we dated. At one point I’d say all these negative things about him and convince myself he was no good for me. After a break up I told myself he was bad for me and I should never go back to him, ever, I mean why would we right? Still, so much did I fill his image of negativity that every once in a while I’d think of him…the wrongs he did to me. It was like a reinforcement to keep him away from my heart. However the fact was that I still had him in mind. After a while I met with a good boy who I had been talking to. We went out and had a great time and after a while I actually started to like him. He was a great guy. Of course any type of sunshine is great after a storm right? Anyhow, after a few months I realized something. This boy, who was nice to me, did Infact take away my mind of that “bad boy”. The bad thing is that during my relief period I realized he was just the sunshine after the storm. He isn’t what I really wanted. I prayed so much for forgiveness that night. Next day, guess who came into mind? It still boggles my mind. During our breakup this “bad boy” would email me, good things. It wasn’t constant but I saw a change in him. He went from being a completely out of control drinking boy to an apologetic man. He realized what he had done to me and himself and he would apologize any chance he got, he was even attending church, something he never did. I never responded to his emails, why would I? Forgiveness is one thing but to trust is a different thing. That week he sent me this email that woke me up. He told me that he had been doing all these things to redeem himself as a man to change. Let me remind you, he used to be bad to the bone. He used to drink and get into fights every week. But for a man like that to change to a God loving man… it amazed me. For a man like that to email me once every month asking for forgiveness. Forgiveness is the word. When we make a wrong move and realize its not correct, we ask for forgiveness. That transition is beautiful, it changes your outlook on everything! It’s a feeling that you know it’s not what you really want. It’s only after you do it. Why do we sin? Why is there forgiveness? We are suppose to sin, that’s the only way to get into the Kingdom of God. When we label something a sin we realize it is wrong, and we in ourselves look into change, into forgiveness into the good. Of course you already know this. This man who had done mistakes actually did change but did I ever say a word to him? No. Infact he had a girlfriend when he sent me that email. It then, RIGHT THERE, I realized what I actually felt for him. When he actually moved on to be with some other woman. It boiled my blood and I banged my fist. But why did i feel this way? over a man who did me wrong? who hurt me? I left that email unanswered, he had a companion after all. Luckily that relationship didn’t last too long, and while I didn’t see myself with him ever again I Atleast wanted to talk, face to face. To get that apology face to face. To clear the air. Get it done. Now, years later, we are married. He is a wonderfull hardworking, faithfull and God fearing man. He had to make a mistake to TRUELY change himself for the best of us. I consider this a Blessing. This may be far from what you may be going through, Infact not even close, i just wanted to share :)..But Atleast realize that you keeping this boy as a negative thought in your head is the problem. I don’t know how these young men are these days, I really don’t. But you should know exactly what kind of heart this boy really has.
    – anonymous
    P.s I love your blog and please keep praising The Lord, it’s far more important then focusing on the specks in the picture.

    • Wow, I seriously am speechless! Your story is amazing and it actually, to an extent, reminded me of my ex-boyfriend. I mean, he was great and is great and has always been great. Of course but why talk about that, right? He was always great but then there were times when he was not so great. Eventually I broke up with him and we stopped talking but he told me all these good things about God and prayer and everything. It was great! But after a while, his words just became words, the words stopped, and his actions were the exact opposite. Though I do forgive him for everything, it still gets to me sometimes and I have no idea why. It drives me crazy. I mean, after everything we still spoke and we still hung out and everything and I was never mad. The anger and hurt didn’t come until the beginning of the year when I decided we couldn’t talk anymore (for multiple reasons). They just come up out of nowhere and I feel a little bit better when I write the thoughts down. So yeah… that’s that, haha. But I like your situation, I really gave him another chance after this “change” took place but it was worse than before. :/
      As for my flesh acting up, by GOD I have not given into it. I write down my thoughts but I haven’t struck up a conversation with a guy, I haven’t found some guy to do x, y, and z… nothing but writing. 🙂 It is sooo hard but then again I’m thankful because I don’t have a boyfriend or “significant other” or anything like that so there’s really no temptation, just a desire. I know it happens and I know the battle between my flesh and spirit will NEVER stop but I’m gettin’ through it and I absolutely refuse to give in. What’s the point anyway, right? I went through before too so I know how that feels. My ex-boyfriend was my way out of my loneliness last year and every time after the night was over or after our time together was over, I felt terrible and used and like I was being used. It stunk. I never want to give in to my flesh again and be left so disappointed. So I’m waiting… waiting for God. And on Him I will wait all day! 🙂
      Thanks so much for following my writings and writing to me. I really enjoyed your story too, btw! Yes, I pray that God continues to bless your marriage! Praise God.
      Thanks again!

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