I’ve wanted to write so many times over these past few weeks. Everything I wanted to write about it, though, I felt like everyone was getting tired of it. But then I remembered, “This is my blog!” So here we go…
I’d like to blame it all on myself. I’d like to say that I could have avoided everything.
I’d like to blame it all on my emotions. I’d like to say that I just wasn’t thinking clearly.
But I must say that I don’t think I realized what I was doing… and if I did, I didn’t realize the extent… and oh, if I did, I didn’t realize the cost.
I feel like I’m not myself anymore. Well, I am myself, for sure. But when no one’s looking…? I can’t seem to figure it out.
When a girl has been “taken advantage of,” she has two options:
1.) Become a whore/prostitute.
2.) I can’t remember.
I’d like to think the second one is to stick with what you know. If all you know or if all you remember is someone taking complete control of you, forcing you, fooling you, yet at the same time taking care of you, would you run away? If you found anything else that doesn’t match up to that, you’re bound to be anxious, wondering when it will come, or you’ll find yourself shocked at how much you like something so different. Something that is always nice and always sweet.
However, once that nice sweetness goes away, you wouldn’t find someone who will treat you like that. No… you’d go back to what you know. Why? I don’t know… it’s just all you know to do.
So when you find yourself back to what you know, and you realize that this is not where you want to be, you find it next to impossible to leave. Again, it’s all you know. So when you try, you’re reminded of what IT is that you know. It’s not nice, it’s not sweet, it’s not gentle, it’s not forgiving. It’s hard, it’s intense, it’s rough, and it’s merciless. You are then reminded of your position: powerless, weak, and inferior. You are incapable of doing anything about the situation other than writing about it weeks later just to get a little bit of release. You don’t even know what specifically happened because your mind is not allowing you to remember. You just know what happened. It was almost completely erased from your memory in fear that you may begin to feel some form of anxiety or nervousness when you even think about the fact. Turns out that it’s not what happened that is worrying you, it’s what might happen… with that person or anyone else.
There’s no “proper” way to end this… so this will do.