Forgiveness? Loneliness… God.

How do you forgive someone who has never apologized?

How do you forget someone who never said, “Goodbye?”

One of the deepest longings of the human being is to feel wanted and loved and cared for. That’s the dream, right? There’s nothing better.

Seeing others in actual relationships who have found “the one” just makes us want that love even more.

This is not a bad thing! It’s natural. We’re humans. We all have the desire. Some have a greater one than others, but it’s there.

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

You could have something- something wonderful and you realize that the relationship was poisoning the both of you. No matter how badly you just want to give love and be loved, it’s not for you.

Then you could happen to find something- something so wonderful, what you thought was “wonderful” looks like a first grade “boyfriend/girlfriend.” But then one day it just disappears. Without warning, without an apology, without a “Goodbye…” without anything.

So it feels terrible.

There is something there that you could have, but that’s something detrimental.

Then there was something that you had, but that’s just a thing of the past.

Yes, it hurts. Like crazy.

So you wait and wait. You try to focus on God and try to find your full satisfaction in Him, but it’s hard because you’re human and not a day goes by that doesn’t cause you to think of life with “the one.”

So you prepare yourself each day just in case you meet this “one.”

But you don’t. And you have to constantly remind yourself: God is all you’ll ever need. You can’t find true joy and full satisfaction until you realize that.

Tell Me What To Do

I miss having someone tell me what to do…

Not sexually, but in general. And by “someone,” I mean a boyfriend or significant other. I just feel like I make so many mistakes thinking on my own and now that I’m all by myself in a whole other state, I feel like it’s even more important to make the right choices. And as stereotypical, sexist, and feminist-upsetting as it may sound, I feel like since I’m a female and single that I’m going to make way more mistakes than a married female or one in a relationship. I have to think completely on my own. And not that I’m not smart or that I’m unable to or that I am not directed by God. Just saying… things would be so much easier if there was someone in the physical who would tell me what to and not to do and for my own good. Because if I want to do something, that’s it! I’m doing it. There’s just no one here to tell me, “Yes” or “No,” and I really wish there was. I guess my ex-boyfriend always wanting to control everything and “boss me around” (which is what I thought he was doing at times) wasn’t such a bad thing. Or really, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. It was just what I needed. I miss it.

Someone I’m not.

There are times that we all do something incredibly stupid and completely regret it later. Sometimes, I do things and think in ways that don’t make any sense. I’m not crazy, don’t worry, but sometimes, I don’t know why in the world I do certain things. It’s like I’m not even myself. It’s not like I DO someTHINGS or anything that involves another person, but there are times when I just have to ask myself, ‘What did you do that for?’ And when I’m in this state of mind, I don’t care about what I’m doing, I don’t care about the consequences, I just do it.

Okay, can we stop for a second? Reading this you might think that I am doing something crazy. Well, to clarify, I am not: on drugs, doing drugs, drinking, partying, or having sex.

Alright, let’s continue… I do things for my own pleasure then when I finally step back, I hide my face in shame because I always end up back where I started. It’s like there are times when I don’t even know myself.

Life at Gordon

So I haven’t posted about it but I AM at my new school and it is GREAT! I love it here so much… The people are so nice, it has SUCH a great community, there are so many different things to do and get involved in, the classes are interesting (and if they aren’t, so far none of my professors make things boring), my RD’s wife makes us cookies (REALLY good cookies, might I add), my roommates are great (one is really quiet but she is very nice and the other is just wonderful!), I received THREE job offers within the last week (I accepted two)… the whole nine! And to top it all off, this is a school that believes in the Almighty God. The Maker of Heaven and Earth. The Creator of all things! Wow! Amazing! I love it here SOOO MUCH and it feels so great to say that about my own school! 😀

You should come! Yes, you!

One of those nights.

Does anyone realize how wonderful it would be to have someone to call your own? To have someone touch you and hold you and teach you and remove any and every trace of loneliness that could ever find its way near you? I miss having someone to love and to take care of but lately, I miss having someone to love and take care of me.

If you’ve followed my posts or even have read maybe just a few, you know that I cannot wait to get married. The thought is so exciting and just wonderful. But I want to get married because I want to love someone unconditionally and without limits. How great would it be to get to know someone a little bit more everyday and to love them a little bit more every single day…?

I just miss having someone. I know he’s coming and that God is preparing the both of us but… I don’t know. It’s one of those nights, I guess.