It’s so hard to concentrate when your mind is reminding you about certain things passed. How I felt owned- like my body was owned. I knew my physical body was not my own and if I didn’t feel that then I was soon reminded. Now I feel the need to be all alone and away from everyone so no one can touch me and where my body is my own.. where my body is mine.
A voice that starts as inviting, calming, and soothing, then becomes so demanding and confident that he is in control. Confident that I have no power. Confident that I am weak. And I was. I felt like I had nothing. Like I had no other choice but to listen to him and to do what he said or to suffer the consequences, which I wanted, but not that way.
Then eventually I ran to it. I ran to this dominating force because it made me feel wanted and desired and loved and important. And who doesn’t want that? So I did it to myself, didn’t I? Not long after, I couldn’t help myself. It was either be under the hand of this young man or be completely alone and I chose the former. For a while, though, I did choose to be alone. I thought there was something better coming. Some better things did come, but completely for the worse. They never lasted and the only one that was always there was him. So at times I did go back, with no intention of anything but just to say, “Hello” or to show gratitude. Whatever the reason was, it always ended up the same. With his control, with his dominance, with his strong hands and sweet voice, with my weakness, and with my submission.
Part of me still wants to go back. Sometimes this loneliness just consumes me and it just seems as if I’m wasting time. I could be happy and I could be with someone to take care of me and to care for me. But then my mind allows me to remember only some of what happened and I realize that it clearly is not a good idea.
But I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. It’s been months and years… it’s like my mind just can’t let it go.