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On Being A Christian

Being a Christian is the hardest thing in the world. It is the most painful thing, it is the most selfless thing, it is the most hurtful thing… I know millions of people have it far, far worse than I do but I have to tell myself that it’s okay to hurt.

I do what I don’t want to do and I don’t do what I do want. Of course, sometimes I do what I want but it leaves me empty afterward.

I am feeling so sad. I will spare the details and jump to the conclusion: I just pray that God sends me someone. Someone of my own and someone very soon. All too often I’ve been the one to look at or talk to or laugh with when the other’s not looking. And it’s not like it’s done on purpose. I’m just, for some reason, too often put in that situation.

Do you realize how much that hurts? Like no man could ever be attracted to me unless I’m pleasing to him when his own woman isn’t.

Or if a man is attracted to me, once I don’t satisfy or do exactly what he wants or (one time) doing nothing wrong at all, I am just thrown out and tossed to the side like I never even mattered. Like I wasn’t there in the first place and with the assumption that I’ll “get over it.”

Sometimes, I really just want to do what I want and ditch this whole “waiting” thing.

But that would be foolish of me.

With all the hurt, though, sometimes it sure sounds like a good idea.

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