2014

Now, this is no “New Year’s Resolution,” it just happens to be coming on the last day of the year.

I’ve realized how selfish I am. I am just not a good person. What’s worse is that I’ve done so many selfish things and waited until later to regret them. I always want myself to be the center of attention, and it happens so naturally. I would love to think of myself as a “good girl” but I’m not. I can be selfish, bratty, inconsiderate, and impudent without even giving it a second thought. I am not happy with myself but I give thanks to God for allowing me to realize this.

So for 2014, simply put, I’m going to watch myself and try to really think about and realize what I’m doing and who I am doing it for.

I give it all to You, God,
Trusting that You’ll make
Something beautiful out of me.

Esto Es Confiar

No es confiar bajar el rostro cuando todo sale mal
No es confiar cuando llega la aflicción querer abandonar
No es confiar derrumbar todo tu mundo porque no das más
No es confiar rendirte ante el problema cuando hay que orar

Confiar en Cristo es creer lo que no ves 
Cuentas con Dios y Él no va a fallar jamás 
Es tiempo de aprender a confiar, solo escucha, te voy a mostrar

Esto es confiar, seguir caminando cuando no das más
Seguir mirando es lo que hay no esta
Seguir cantando en el dolor y en tu llorar
Esto es confiar, en la tormenta confesar que hay paz
Hacia el vacío sin temor saltar
Tan solo porque Él te envía
Esto es confiar

No es confiar rendirte en momento que tienes que orar 
No es confiar poner la mano en el arado y mirar atrás 
No es confiar tirar la toalla sin la lucha empezar 
No es confiar buscar la solución sin a Jesús clamar

Confiar en Cristo esto es mantener la fe 
Porque sobre la Roca Él a puesto tus pies 
El reino de los cielos se hace fuerte y solamente los valientes lo arrebatan

Confiar en Cristo es creer lo que no ves 
Cuentas con dios y el no va a fallar jamás 
Es tiempo de aprender a confiar, solo escucha, te voy a mostrar

Esto es confiar.

Daddy’s Girl

My dad is the greatest. And that’s all there is to say.

Just kidding. So I decided to actually listen to my body and go to sleep early, but I guess I can count that as a “nap” because I woke up 2 1/2 hours later wide awake. So why not write more about my dad? 🙂

So after my drive yesterday, I came home, clearly upset, and my dad asked me what was wrong. Naturally I gave him the, “Nothing,” and eventually I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it. Then he did his famous, “We don’t have to talk about it, just tell me what it’s about.” I didn’t tell him but eventually he guessed that it was about my ex-boyfriend. He was upset that I was upset because he thought my ex-boyfriend said or did something to make me upset. Later last night, he told me that if I didn’t tell him, he was going to go looking for him! Typical dad. 😛 It took him a few hours but he finally did get it out of me.

He took me for a drive and we just talked about whatever. Well, he talked and I gave short responses because I was still upset. Eventually I started thinking about it and crying and as dark as it was outside, he saw me and asked if I could just tell him. So I did.

He knew that my ex-boyfriend and I had been “intimate,” as he called it, so the only hard part was letting the words out without crying! But I did end up telling him everything and I feel so much better. I mean, such a relief! At least now there is. When we got back home I was still upset but just waking up, I feel so much better. I guess that was all what I needed.

I told him that I was upset because the only reason I agreed to be “intimate” with my ex-boyfriend was because I was in love with him, and he and I both believed that we were going to be the only ones. I was the image of his wife. He was the image of my husband. So he told me that that kind of conviction is just proof that I am God’s child. He said that there are people, even “grown folks” who can just go from person to person or just sin and sin again with no problem, feeling absolutely nothing. But since I feel so bad, it’s just evidence of the Holy Spirit. He said, “God will spank His children” and He certainly will! He wasn’t upset with me or disappointed in me. He actually bought me chocolate, my favorite, haha. He listened (after I told him) and just understood. It was a very “grown-up” conversation, and I’m happy we had it.

He’s the best! I love my daddy! 🙂

I FEEL GOOD (dininininininin)

Maybe it was the “Praise” Bible reading plan that I did earlier… maybe it was the solo so-old-school-my-parents-weren’t-even-born dance party I had in my room… maybe it was receiving a sweet video from one of my dearest friends from school who lives in California… maybe it was the dinner I had with three of my sisters, my dad, and his father… maybe it was my youngest sister randomly coming into my room just to talk to me after I finished doing her hair… maybe it was all five of them! Whatever it was, it was GOD! (And it was definitely all five of them.)

I just feel so good. I am okay and that’s okay. I don’t feel alone anymore, relationship-wise. I am on my own, but I am not alone. (Jesus, hello!)

And I really am sincerely happy for my ex-boyfriend. I am so glad that God heard and answered my prayer. I just pray that he leads her down the right path and she makes him the happiest man in the world (that is, until my man comes along… then he will be the happiest man in the world). And I do hope they last forever. That’d be so sweet!

I just feel so good. 🙂

Whole-Hearted

That’s what his name means.

I wanted to write him one last letter, to get everything off my chest before this year ended. I don’t want to enter the new year with last year’s junk on me.

But then I realized, it’s so pointless. What am I supposed to say? ‘Dear _____, I am still hurting and I would like to know why you did what you did.’? If he was ever going to explain himself, I imagine he would’ve done it by now.

I don’t expect him to ever say a word to me ever again. I don’t expect him to step foot back in church (and if he does, odds are it will be when I’m away at school). I don’t expect anything.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I’m tired of filling myself with false hope, just wishing and praying that maybe he’d tell me, “Happy birthday” or “Merry Christmas” or come back to church or randomly call me just to explain and tell me that he’s sorry.

It’s foolish. No matter what I do or say, he’s never coming back. I’m learning to accept that.

Merry CHRISTmas!

JESUS JESUS JESUS

CHRIST IS BORN

THE SAVIOR HAS COME

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

Mary, Did You Know?

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary, did you know?

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping child you’re holding is the Great I Am

Thank You For Your Love

I hate myself sometimes.
I hate the things I do.
I hate the things I say.
I don’t understand myself sometimes.
I’m such a hypocrite sometimes.
And I don’t even care.
I am disgusted with myself sometimes.

God is choosing to love me.
My God, I thank You for loving me.

Respect Your Husband

It’s time for… a controversial topic! Yay!

Some women believe that taking on their husband’s last name is A-OK. Other women believe that it should be mutual, and both spouses should take on the other’s last name. Other women like dashes. Some women just don’t want their husband’s last name at all.

I believe, and it blows my mind knowing other women don’t think this way, that every woman should take on the name of her husband. It baffles me that this is even a topic of discussion! (So why am I talking about it, right?)

We are all born with our father’s last name, for the most part anyway. Why? Because (again, for the most part), we live in our father‘s house, under our father‘s rules, under our father‘s protection, and under our father‘s supervision. Our father then gives us his blessing and then away to our husband but until then, we belong to our father. Once we are married, we belong to our husband, therefore we take on his last name. Then we will live in our husband‘s house, under our husband‘s rules, under our husband‘s protection, and under our husband‘s supervision. Our last name signifies who we belong to. Not as in property, but when you go home at night, whose house are you in? Who is responsible for you? etc.

Of course it’s not always like that anymore. But until we are married, we belong to our father. Once we are married, we belong to our husband. That is why we take on each man’s name. Submission and respect. Simple as that.

I am such a bad girl…

If it wasn’t for God, lust would utterly destroy me.

That’s part of the reason why I want to get married. You can’t lust after your own husband! Of course I would never rush anything or marry someone just because I’m hormonal but, sometimes I really have to catch myself.

I haven’t physically done anything with anyone and I haven’t willingly physically done anything with anyone in Lord knows how long… It’s just the thoughts that run through my mind. They make me feel like I’ve done the worst when really, I’m just sitting in my room at my desk.

Can I be honest? Sex is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I love “researching” it, for lack of a better word. Not pornography, of course, (because that’s just nonsense) but I love knowing what most men or what most women desire, their guilty pleasures, what to do and where and how to do it… Sex is just so interesting! So my dear future husband, …oh. Oh, sweetie… 😉

But back to the matter at hand. I really need to find a way to distract myself. Today while I was taking a final, I was distracted by it! 😦 Maybe it’s because I haven’t done anything in so long… which is good! That’s what I should be doing (or not doing), but this body and mind of mine… they want the right things but at the wrong time. I’m not married! Get with it, mind and body!

Well, I’m going to read and bathe and take my mind off of things. Jesus fixes everything! Just say the name! JESUS! 🙂

aHA!

So he apologized to me. The first apology was not a real apology. The second was close, but didn’t quite make it. The third… that was it. He sent me three of the longest messages ever, just saying in different ways that he was sorry and that he wished the best for me.

He didn’t (or doesn’t) understand why I still love him… why I still show him compassion and love and grace and mercy. He was being a very, very, very mean person, so why would I forgive him? Why would I embrace him and tell him that everything’s okay? Why would I even acknowledge him after all he’s said to me?

Well, God sent His son to die for us, while we were yet in sin. While we were hating him, mocking him, KILLING HIM, He still loved us. He knew that without love, we’d never make it. He knew that without showing grace and mercy, we’d be headed straight toward destruction. He knew that without offering forgiveness through a once-and-for-all sacrifice, we would never stop spilling blood to cover our sins, and God loves obedience to His Word far more than He loves sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22).

We are called to be like Christ. Should we not extend as much love and mercy and forgiveness as we humanly can and time and time again? YES! 🙂 God did it for us so let’s do it for the world!

So, why the “aHA!”? Well, I believe that the enemy tried to throw me off course. I believe that he tried to make me stumble and fall back into sin. I did, I will admit, but God has forgiven me and I praise and thank Him for that. I thought this was all just a move of the enemy. But of course, and we can reference the book of Job for this, God doesn’t allow the enemy to do anything without His permission. God knew what He was doing. The enemy might have meant to crush me, but in the end, God taught me a lesson, and I praise and thank God for that! Hallelujah! Gloria Dios!

For a while (before all this happened) I believed God was showing me what it was really like to be a Christian. And I thought He stopped when I got caught up in this mess… but He didn’t. I was just too caught up and in the middle of it all to realize what the LORD was doing. (Though honestly, I probably wouldn’t have realized it until the end anyway even if I wasn’t in such a mess.)

As Hosea was told by the LORD to marry a prostitute to understand God’s love for Israel despite her unfaithfulness, I believe God showed me how to love someone no matter what they do to hurt you. No matter how many times they bash you or hurt themselves or make you feel like just some girl and on purpose,… you love that person anyway.

I realized this yesterday morning in church. God never stops working. We just have to do our best to remain faithful and know that if we remain righteous and dependent on God, He will work everything out for our good and His glory. God won’t let the devil win. The enemy has already lost… so aHA!