2014

Now, this is no “New Year’s Resolution,” it just happens to be coming on the last day of the year.

I’ve realized how selfish I am. I am just not a good person. What’s worse is that I’ve done so many selfish things and waited until later to regret them. I always want myself to be the center of attention, and it happens so naturally. I would love to think of myself as a “good girl” but I’m not. I can be selfish, bratty, inconsiderate, and impudent without even giving it a second thought. I am not happy with myself but I give thanks to God for allowing me to realize this.

So for 2014, simply put, I’m going to watch myself and try to really think about and realize what I’m doing and who I am doing it for.

I give it all to You, God,
Trusting that You’ll make
Something beautiful out of me.

Esto Es Confiar

No es confiar bajar el rostro cuando todo sale mal
No es confiar cuando llega la aflicción querer abandonar
No es confiar derrumbar todo tu mundo porque no das más
No es confiar rendirte ante el problema cuando hay que orar

Confiar en Cristo es creer lo que no ves 
Cuentas con Dios y Él no va a fallar jamás 
Es tiempo de aprender a confiar, solo escucha, te voy a mostrar

Esto es confiar, seguir caminando cuando no das más
Seguir mirando es lo que hay no esta
Seguir cantando en el dolor y en tu llorar
Esto es confiar, en la tormenta confesar que hay paz
Hacia el vacío sin temor saltar
Tan solo porque Él te envía
Esto es confiar

No es confiar rendirte en momento que tienes que orar 
No es confiar poner la mano en el arado y mirar atrás 
No es confiar tirar la toalla sin la lucha empezar 
No es confiar buscar la solución sin a Jesús clamar

Confiar en Cristo esto es mantener la fe 
Porque sobre la Roca Él a puesto tus pies 
El reino de los cielos se hace fuerte y solamente los valientes lo arrebatan

Confiar en Cristo es creer lo que no ves 
Cuentas con dios y el no va a fallar jamás 
Es tiempo de aprender a confiar, solo escucha, te voy a mostrar

Esto es confiar.

Daddy’s Girl

My dad is the greatest. And that’s all there is to say.

Just kidding. So I decided to actually listen to my body and go to sleep early, but I guess I can count that as a “nap” because I woke up 2 1/2 hours later wide awake. So why not write more about my dad? 🙂

So after my drive yesterday, I came home, clearly upset, and my dad asked me what was wrong. Naturally I gave him the, “Nothing,” and eventually I told him that I didn’t want to talk about it. Then he did his famous, “We don’t have to talk about it, just tell me what it’s about.” I didn’t tell him but eventually he guessed that it was about my ex-boyfriend. He was upset that I was upset because he thought my ex-boyfriend said or did something to make me upset. Later last night, he told me that if I didn’t tell him, he was going to go looking for him! Typical dad. 😛 It took him a few hours but he finally did get it out of me.

He took me for a drive and we just talked about whatever. Well, he talked and I gave short responses because I was still upset. Eventually I started thinking about it and crying and as dark as it was outside, he saw me and asked if I could just tell him. So I did.

He knew that my ex-boyfriend and I had been “intimate,” as he called it, so the only hard part was letting the words out without crying! But I did end up telling him everything and I feel so much better. I mean, such a relief! At least now there is. When we got back home I was still upset but just waking up, I feel so much better. I guess that was all what I needed.

I told him that I was upset because the only reason I agreed to be “intimate” with my ex-boyfriend was because I was in love with him, and he and I both believed that we were going to be the only ones. I was the image of his wife. He was the image of my husband. So he told me that that kind of conviction is just proof that I am God’s child. He said that there are people, even “grown folks” who can just go from person to person or just sin and sin again with no problem, feeling absolutely nothing. But since I feel so bad, it’s just evidence of the Holy Spirit. He said, “God will spank His children” and He certainly will! He wasn’t upset with me or disappointed in me. He actually bought me chocolate, my favorite, haha. He listened (after I told him) and just understood. It was a very “grown-up” conversation, and I’m happy we had it.

He’s the best! I love my daddy! 🙂

I FEEL GOOD (dininininininin)

Maybe it was the “Praise” Bible reading plan that I did earlier… maybe it was the solo so-old-school-my-parents-weren’t-even-born dance party I had in my room… maybe it was receiving a sweet video from one of my dearest friends from school who lives in California… maybe it was the dinner I had with three of my sisters, my dad, and his father… maybe it was my youngest sister randomly coming into my room just to talk to me after I finished doing her hair… maybe it was all five of them! Whatever it was, it was GOD! (And it was definitely all five of them.)

I just feel so good. I am okay and that’s okay. I don’t feel alone anymore, relationship-wise. I am on my own, but I am not alone. (Jesus, hello!)

And I really am sincerely happy for my ex-boyfriend. I am so glad that God heard and answered my prayer. I just pray that he leads her down the right path and she makes him the happiest man in the world (that is, until my man comes along… then he will be the happiest man in the world). And I do hope they last forever. That’d be so sweet!

I just feel so good. 🙂

Whole-Hearted

That’s what his name means.

I wanted to write him one last letter, to get everything off my chest before this year ended. I don’t want to enter the new year with last year’s junk on me.

But then I realized, it’s so pointless. What am I supposed to say? ‘Dear _____, I am still hurting and I would like to know why you did what you did.’? If he was ever going to explain himself, I imagine he would’ve done it by now.

I don’t expect him to ever say a word to me ever again. I don’t expect him to step foot back in church (and if he does, odds are it will be when I’m away at school). I don’t expect anything.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I’m tired of filling myself with false hope, just wishing and praying that maybe he’d tell me, “Happy birthday” or “Merry Christmas” or come back to church or randomly call me just to explain and tell me that he’s sorry.

It’s foolish. No matter what I do or say, he’s never coming back. I’m learning to accept that.

Merry CHRISTmas!

JESUS JESUS JESUS

CHRIST IS BORN

THE SAVIOR HAS COME

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 

Mary, Did You Know?

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will calm the storm with his hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little baby you kissed the face of God?

Mary, did you know?

The blind will see
The deaf will hear
The dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
That your baby boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heaven’s perfect Lamb?
The sleeping child you’re holding is the Great I Am

Thank You For Your Love

I hate myself sometimes.
I hate the things I do.
I hate the things I say.
I don’t understand myself sometimes.
I’m such a hypocrite sometimes.
And I don’t even care.
I am disgusted with myself sometimes.

God is choosing to love me.
My God, I thank You for loving me.