The Greatest

I promise, I have the greatest dad in the world.

This video was made years ago… Lord knows exactly when but I really never appreciated this until a few days ago. I love my family and praise the LORD, we have all been so blessed.

Reasons Why I’m Happay

– God is so amazing. To fall in love with God is to fall in love with the One Who is everything.
– I have great friends! I feel the love from back home and the love I feel here is insane! Gloria Dios!
– I just read more of my favorite book of the Bible: ÉXODO! Y sí, la leí en español. 🙂
– “Y habitaré entre los hijos de Israel, y seré su Dios. Y conocerán que Yo soy Jehová su Dios, Que los saqué de la tierra de Egipto, para habitar en medio de ellos. Yo Jehová su Dios. (Éxodo 29:45, 46 RVR60)” That right there! God is just AMAZING!
– The day is finally over and I’m in the bed. PRAISE GOD. Tuesdays are the worst.
– Chelsea gave me hugs today! Many hugs!
– I have the greatest dad ever and I love him so!
– I love my mom!
– I attend the greatest undergraduate school in the world!
– God is good!

I’m just so happy. 🙂

“Después De Todo”

Cuando todo ya pasó

Y todo terminó

Solo a Ti quiero yo, Señor

Cuando el mundo no pudo

Llenar mi corazón

En Ti encontré la paz, Señor

Mi mayor anhelo

Mi mayor deseo

Es estar

Cerca de Ti

Cada día late

Mi corazón por

Un toque de Ti

De Tu mano, Señor

Cuando todo ya pasó

Y todo terminó

Solo a Ti quiero yo, Señor

Cuando todo ya paso,

Solo a Ti quiero yo, Señor

All For Your Son’s Holy Name

There are a million things on my mind tonight. So here they are:

  • I saw Frozen yesterday afternoon with some friends from the Drama Outreach Ministry (called REACH) at school. Ever since it came out, more and more of them would not. stop. talking. about it. So we took a group trip! It was phenomenal. Honestly, it really is a good one and the message the movie sends out about true love is a perfect definition of it that we scarcely see. It’s heartwarming, it’s sad, it’s funny, it will make you go, “Aww,” Idina Menzel sings in it… Definitely a must-see.
  • My friend’s father passed away over winter break. She missed the first two weeks of school and finally came back yesterday evening. My friend and I decorated the room and her bed with balloons, cut-outs, pictures, notes, and food… The only things missing were confetti and a Mariachi band! (For some reason, we both passionately wished we could have a Mariachi band there.) She came back and she loved everything, she smiled, she laughed, and we all caught up. Then my friend and I went to the cafeteria to get dinner and for some reason, all of a sudden, we both felt so sad. It was such a heaviness that was literally only a glimpse of what our friend is feeling. “Weep with those who weep.” (Romans 12:15)
  • The friend that I mentioned above–the one who I decorated with–is such a blessing. I honestly thank God for her. We always have such a great time together, we can talk about anything, we laugh constantly, we pray together, we eat together, we study together, we go to church together, we discuss the Bible together… Again, she is a blessing that I didn’t even know I wanted or needed. She is so nice and so sweet and SO CUTE. She’s just adorable. All you want to do is pinch her cheeks. I know we will be friends forever. I do mean it. But in all, I just wanted to express gratitude to God for such an amazing blessing.
  • I was watching Legally Blonde: The Musical with a friend the other night and I started falling asleep. So I checked my phone to keep me up a little bit. I went on my Facebook and started scrolling down to, for some reason, see if there was anything old and embarrassing on there. Lo and behold, I find a video that my ex-boyfriend tagged me in. Like a dummy, I go on his page and one glance was all it took. I really wish there was a way that I could express, in words or actions, how much I really do love him. As I’ve said before, not romantically. I just love him unlike I’ve ever loved anyone else. I’ll stop myself there.
  • Last night during Catacombs, Gordon’s candlelit acoustic praise and worship, we sang my favorite hymn of all time, “Come Thou Fount.” It’s funny because I originally couldn’t stand whenever it played on my Pandora. 😛 But anyway, the last four lines of the song are my absolute favorite and always “stick out” to me. Today, they did it for sure:

Prone to wander, LORD, I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love

Here’s my heart, LORD, take and seal it

Seal it for Thy courts above

I started crying. Nothing but flashbacks of my willing sin came to mind and replayed in my head. Thinking of God’s love for me, even when I showed no love for Him, is just incredible. Obviously we know that “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son and whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life,” but when we truly stop and think about it and realize it and feel it… it’s amazing. It is absolutely amazing.

We later sang, “How Deep The Father’s Love For Us.” As soon as that title came up on the screen, the tears came back and I just knew that singing this song would be different this time:

How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the Chosen One

Bring many sons to glory

Behold a man upon a cross

My sin upon his shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

Can we just dwell on those lyrics? This, in my opinion, has to be one of the most beautiful songs ever written. It helps bring to our minds the reality of God’s true, eternal, unbending love for us and Christ’s undeserving, loving, willing suffering for us. We have a cross in the middle of the chapel, right in front so everyone can see. Singing this song while gazing upon the cross will take your breath away.

Another song we sang (this is my last song reference, I promise) was “Nothing I Hold Onto”:

I will climb this mountain

With my hands wide open

There’s nothing I hold onto

There’s nothing I hold onto

I give it all to You, God

Trusting that You’ll make

Something beautiful

Out of me

  • You know, everything I am is everything that God wants me to be right now (I hope). So many things that I have done within the past two years, I have done because I believe with all my heart that God told me to or told me not to. I don’t know why but realizing that everything you are is because of God just makes you take a step or two back. If you’re living according to God’s Word and His will for your life, who you are is who He has created and called you to be and that is astounding. It’s painful knowing that day-in and day-out I have to deny myself, but it’s relieving in knowing that God has saved you from yourself.
  • I also found out that my mother is getting married.

Be Who You Is

You gotta be who you is and not who you ain’t

’cause if you ain’t who you is then you is who you ain’t.

Admittedly, I will say that it is very nice, sometimes, to hear someone of the opposite gender say something nice about you. Also admittedly, I will say that if no one says anything nice about you or to you then you may begin to feel as if you are less than who you are (or “who you is”). It is so common and so easy for people to believe things about themselves that are not true. Perhaps we just get so used to hearing nothing good about ourselves that we assume everything about us is bad.

Admittedly, and of course, I am guilty of doing so. It’s so easy. After weeks and months of hearing nothing positive from “someone special” about yourself, sometimes all you can believe is that there is something wrong with you. And of course it makes no difference if someone of the same gender or a relative of the opposite gender says something nice about you. Odds are, that person knows you! It’s really something when someone merely looks at you and decides that you are worth getting to know, even though he/she doesn’t have to. It’s really something else when that person discovers internal characteristics and sees external features that make them smile. You have to admit, hearing that you’re beautiful from your girlfriends or being told, “If I was a girl, I’d date you” by your guy friends or even hearing that you are flat-out special from your aunt or uncle really doesn’t have the same effect on a girl/guy. There’s something special about hearing that “someone special” or that potential “someone” saying nice things about you and to you that, unfortunately, we sometimes allow to define ourselves.

For a while, I thought of myself as pretty much nothing. I thought of myself as nothing but a woman, lowly in society, and completely inferior to man. I felt like nothing. I felt like my only purpose was to serve a man and obey his every command, no matter what, and since I wasn’t doing that then, admittedly, I didn’t think I was doing my “job” in life right. Eventually I gave in and acted upon these feelings, but of course to no avail. It just left me feeling even emptier than I had felt before. But sometimes we sell ourselves incredibly short just to receive the slightest bit of acceptance and satisfaction. Naturally, and deny it if you will, we just want to feel special.

Because of this, we are more prone to believing things about ourselves that are (1) not true and (2) made up. I convinced myself that I was nothing. That’s not true. I believed that I wasn’t “doing my job right” because I wasn’t pleasing a man. Who told me that? Be careful not to let your mind wander too much when you’re feeling like no one even wants to get to know you. Be careful not to chastise yourself for not receiving any type of romantic attention, or anything among that line. If you think that you are nothing, eventually you will believe that you are nothing. If you believe that you are nothing, you will act like you are nothing, and that’s not who you are.

You gotta be who you is and not who you ain’t

’cause if you ain’t who you is then you is who you ain’t.

And that ain’t right.

¡Gloria demos al nombre de Dios!

I am so very grateful to be in a land where I am free to read the Word! I could read Exodus everyday and the fact that I have been blessed enough to read and understand it in Spanish is absolutely amazing! Don’t ever take your Word for granted! Not everyone is as fortunate as we are!
And something that stuck out to me while reading the other day was, “Entonces pusieron sobre ellos comisarios de tributos que los molestasen con sus cargas… Pero cuanto más los oprimían, tanto más se multiplicaban y crecían, de manera que los egipcios temían a los hijos de Israel.” Éxodo 1:11-12, RVR 1960. The KJV reads, “Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens… But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew. And they were grieved because of the children of Israel.”
Wow!!! The harsher the cause, the greater the effect. No matter what affliction we are put through, we are children of God and we will never stop growing. It IS an act of God, after all. The children of Israel didn’t suffer for nothing! God always knows what He’s doing (of course)! Be it a pain to the world. That is alright because it will be ALL GLORY to God. Go read your Bible! It is wonderful!

Insomnia Can Produce Good Thoughts

Don’t ever let sex be the center of your relationship. Once the sex is gone, will your relationship still be there? If the sex were to stop, would you know what to say to the other person? If you decided to end sexual intimacy, would you still be (emotionally) intimate? Sex is a pivotal cause of (any kind of) relationship destruction.
Keep your relationship safe and keep your body and heart safer.
Jesus at the center is better anyway, for everything. 🙂

Esta Noche.

So I am back at school and I am the only one in my room, my suite, and one of the few on the entire floor. It. Is. Wondrous. I did everything I needed and wanted to do without any interruption. I unpacked: No problem. Watched Netflix: No problem. Talked back to the TV show I was watching on Netflix: No problem. Went to get dinner: No problem. Took the world’s longest shower: No problem. Did my hair using the mirror above the sink: No problem. Watched a movie without headphones: No problem. Wrote (now two new posts) on WordPress: No problem. Made a few new Vines: No problem. Kept the big light on this whole time: No problem. About to do my reading: Won’t be a problem… Some people may talk about not liking being alone but it really is something to cherish. You don’t have to worry about anybody and you can do whatever you want!

Also… I don’t know what it is about tonight but I feel so beautiful. I feel like every inch of me is so sexy: the curls in my hair seem so gorgeous; this new bathrobe accentuates the muscles in my legs; the muscles in my legs look like I’ve been working out (I haven’t). I look in the mirror and just feel pretty. I don’t know what the sudden change is or where it came from but it’s here and I feel wonderful and confident and beautiful. It feels so good and I am saying this because I honestly have not felt this way in months and it makes me so happy. Besides, who doesn’t like to look in the mirror and know that one day you’re going to knock the shoes, socks, and everything else off your future husband? 😉

I just feel so good! Who’s to say I would’ve felt this way if I wasn’t alone? Solitude is golden, and for more reasons than one.

By the way, I’ve been up all day and am now watching the sun rise before I finally (maybe) go to sleep. The sun always rises right outside my window. It is the most perfect view. The blue, the purple, the pink, the orange… It’s so beautiful. Taking it all in.

Heart of the Matter

It was never hard to forgive myself for getting below a 2.0 GPA my first semester in college. It was my first semester and it’s a lot more common to do poorly than to do exceedingly well, especially when the only class you’re taking is biology lecture and lab! It wasn’t difficult to forgive myself for my behavior and mindset in high school. I was 15 and 16 years-old and let’s just leave it at that. But for some reason it was so difficult and exceedingly painful for me to forgive myself for hurting someone I loved. Regardless of the fact that your first love is indeed your first love and who ever gets that right? Eventually people do if they stay with it but to knock it out of the park your first time at bat is not very likely, and that is fine.

That is the last thing, to my limited knowledge, that really bothered me and kept me up at night. I couldn’t help but think of myself as some terrible person who ruined what she had and took everything for granted. But you know what? No one gets it right first time around. And if they do, many blessings y felicidades to them! But odds are, we don’t ever see it coming nor do we catch ourselves in the act because we’re so blind to everything we’re doing and naturally, we think we are right.

It’s so easy to victimize yourself but it is so hard to sit back and look at the whole situation, including yourself. What did you do? What did you say? How did you provoke a certain reaction? Why were you not being completely loving? I said it before, it is so hard to do it but it is even more difficult to realize that we have to do it. Stop pointing the finger at everyone else and look at yourself. Once you do, odds are you will not like what you see and that’s okay. As long as everything inside of you wants to reach out, apologize, and do your best to heal that wound or those wounds of the other person/people then that is good. It’s good to feel pain. There is a time for it.

“More of You, less of me.” God will strip you bare of yourself in order to bring you where He’s called you to be. Abraham was told to offer up his son to die. Hosea was told to marry a prostitute. Joseph was told to marry a woman who was pregnant. God told Abraham to offer up his son to see how much he loved Him. Of course in the end Abraham does not offer have to up his son, but he was given a glimpse of what it would soon be like for God to really offer His one and only Son. Hosea was told to marry a prostitute to feel just a little bit of the anger and jealousy and hurt that God felt when Israel would worship other gods, or in other words, when Israel would commit adultery, just as the prostitute did. Joseph was told to marry a pregnant woman despite the fact that any unmarried woman who had sexual relations was to be stoned to death for being a shame to her family and “promiscuous while living in her father’s house.” God told him to do this (for I’m sure more reasons than this) in order to receive his blessing because he had favor in the eyes of the LORD. My goodness. Now, how hard is that? How hard is it to completely lay yourself aside and almost purposely kill your beloved son? How hard is it to marry a woman knowing that she will cheat on you, with everyone else knowing it as well? How hard is it to marry a woman who appears to be an utter disgrace? God asks us to do so many things that are painful, but it is in order for us to build and to draw near, or nearer, to Him. If we want to be used by God, we can’t walk around with the same fluff that everyone else has. We have to be put through the fire and burned in order to remove any impurities or qualities that God does not desire us to have. It hurts, it’s painful, it’s hard, we cry, we agonize, but we come out of it all brand new. If we trust in God and continue on through the pain and trials, we will come out exactly how God wants us to be.

Breaking off a relationship was in God’s will for me. It was in God’s will for the both of us. I never would have felt that inescapable feeling and stirring of my heart to part ways time and time again if that wasn’t the case. What was most painful about it all was that in my heart, I wanted to stay but in my heart, I knew that I couldn’t. How confusing is it to have your heart telling you to leave and to stay with the one you love? This greatly influenced indecisiveness, back-and-forth, tug-and-pull, heartache, sadness, everything. So why, then, was it so hard to forgive myself if I now know that I was just being emotional-full human? My assumption is because it dealt with someone I love. What’s even stranger is that he hurt me as well, but I always forgave him, and for the most part, instantly. All he had to say was, “I’m sorry” and I would gladly say, “It’s okay, boyfriend,” while we were together or just a simple, “It’s okay,” while we were not and I meant it. I guess when it’s yourself that you’re looking at, you feel like you know better or that you should know better and that your behavior and actions are unacceptable and inexcusable. Well, it was that way for me at least. But at the right time, you have to realize that it is okay, you are okay, and that you have to forgive yourself.

For a short while, questions came to mind and I asked myself, “Shouldn’t we live life enjoying it to the fullest every day?” “Shouldn’t we do what makes us happy and avoid what makes us upset?” “Shouldn’t we follow our hearts and fulfill all of our desires?” No. The answer is, “No.” We are here to bring glory to God on earth, then worship Him forever in Heaven. That is all.

Seasons

I went to Bible study last night and I am feeling better than I have in what seems like such a long time. You can never leave God’s presence without being changed. I came in and they had already started. They were in Ecclesiastes discussing different seasons of life. In my mind, all I could think was, “Well what season am I in?… What kind of season is this?… Ecclesiastes is the most depressing book in the Bible!” Eventually I opened up and shared what I was feeling and thinking and the people there that I knew and that I had never seen before just began pouring into me. Everything they said made so much sense to me.

At the end of last year, I said that I felt like 2014 was going to be different. I still feel the same way. The end of this year will not be the same as it has been. I know I’ll look back and see all the wonderful things God has done. Basically, and in short, what I took last night from the study was that God cannot bring me to where He wants me to be this year or in this next “season” if I am not prepared. I visited a church while I was at school and the pastor had all these ladders on the stage. It’s a contemporary church and I didn’t really understand but I went with it and in the end found it so helpful. In all, he was saying that God may try to bring us to a new level, or to a new ladder, but we are so comfortable with where we are that we don’t want to move. A friend of mine was speaking to me last night and she said all of last year was just God breaking her down and how it was so emotional for her, but she began finding out so many things about herself that she had no idea was there. She even said that she began apologizing to people who had hurt her from years back. She no longer focused on what people did to her, but what she had done. That made so much sense. Lately, all I am able to think about is what I did to my ex-boyfriend. He’s done things to me but I’d be the biggest liar in the world if I said I’ve never done anything to him. I’ve done things and said things that provoked him, with and without my realizing it. It hurts a lot more when you realize that you hurt someone, especially someone you love, than when someone you love hurts you.

Almost every night I would lie in bed wondering why I was so sad. I would wonder where all this pain came from because I thought I had dealt with it already. I would try to figure out why every night there would be something new to cry about. But like they all said, it’s a season. I have found out so much about myself these past few weeks and I know I would not be able to go to this next place in my life if I had held onto those things. I never realized I was so selfish, I never realized I was inconsiderate, I never realized I never fully dealt with the pain of leaving my ex-boyfriend. Some things you just push down so far that you don’t even realize that they are there. But God uproots them to eliminate everything completely. God is holy so we must also be holy. How can a selfish, ignorant, bitter girl be taken to do something she’s never done before? We have to get rid of every last bit of that and I know that is what God is doing.

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, NLT

I don’t know where God is bringing me or what He plans to do, but search me, LORD. Search me and find every fault that is within me. Find in me things that I am aware and unaware of, O God. For You and Your glory. “Más de Ti, menos de mi.” That is serious and that is seriously painful. But God will not leave us to it alone. Dios ES conmigo. God IS with me and He is not going anywhere. I love saying it in Spanish. Normally it’s, “Dios esta conmigo.” But “esta” can be “here today and gone tomorrow.” No, God is with me always. Dios es conmigo. He lives in me, so I abide in HIm.

I went to sleep happy. I woke up happy. I went through the day happy. I am happy.

I was a little worried though, I’ll admit. There have been times that I am happy, think of something, and return back to square one. But the only thing that got me [just a little] sad was the fact that I love to love! I’m not yearning for a boyfriend or a relationship or anything, I just miss loving someone, you know? I miss making sure that someone is cared for, well-pleased, and happy. Obviously it will happen again one day… but of course we all have those nights. Well, maybe… I don’t know. I’m not missing being loved, I’m missing loving. Being loved would be great but I am okay. However, loving someone romantically is such a blessing and such a privilege. Some day soon. And if you are reading this and have someone to love, love them. Really, really love them. Like God loves you.

But anyway, I’m at such peace, such peace. And if I do get a little down again, I’m leaving for school on Monday, so I’ll be back with my Gordon girls to cheer me up and pray for and with me, and that is the best. 🙂 But I can’t help but want to see him one more time. I don’t know why. It wouldn’t help anything. I guess I just want some face-to-face closure. That’s what he did before. I wish we could just once more and the right way this time. But things are different now. I know it won’t happen, but I thought it’d be worth writing down. Even if it did happen, I’d probably forget everything I want to say then end up writing it all on here anyway. I’m probably just feeling this way because I’ve spent the last few hours in the house by myself. Lord knows when I get to thinking, I get to thinking. I don’t know. Sometimes when I’m in the house and I’m to myself (which is pretty much all the time since my car has been in and out of the shop), I’ve been thinking of what I would be doing if he and I were still talking… and with my father not being a factor, we’d be together every second we could possibly be before I left. As soon as he got out of work tonight and tomorrow, I know we’d be together up until the last possible second. But of course, we, as usual, would have no idea what to do and spend most of the time in the car, haha. I can sometimes play out full scenes in my head. Monday morning, too. We’d both go to sleep and wake up really early to be together one more time. You know, we’re different but when it comes to the other, we are just the same. Don’t mind my pleasant reminiscing… At least it’s pleasant. And I’m not sad! I do wish I could see him though. As friends. But deep down inside, I really don’t think he would want to see me at all for anything. He probably wouldn’t even want to catch a glance. I’m sure he’s had it with me and I don’t blame him. We put each other through a lot… But I do sincerely miss my friend. And I do sincerely hope we are able to see each other again. One day.

But anyway again, I really hope and pray that this peace stays. Being sad all the time really stinks. It’s okay to be sad, but for the right reasons and in the right season.