I went to Bible study last night and I am feeling better than I have in what seems like such a long time. You can never leave God’s presence without being changed. I came in and they had already started. They were in Ecclesiastes discussing different seasons of life. In my mind, all I could think was, “Well what season am I in?… What kind of season is this?… Ecclesiastes is the most depressing book in the Bible!” Eventually I opened up and shared what I was feeling and thinking and the people there that I knew and that I had never seen before just began pouring into me. Everything they said made so much sense to me.
At the end of last year, I said that I felt like 2014 was going to be different. I still feel the same way. The end of this year will not be the same as it has been. I know I’ll look back and see all the wonderful things God has done. Basically, and in short, what I took last night from the study was that God cannot bring me to where He wants me to be this year or in this next “season” if I am not prepared. I visited a church while I was at school and the pastor had all these ladders on the stage. It’s a contemporary church and I didn’t really understand but I went with it and in the end found it so helpful. In all, he was saying that God may try to bring us to a new level, or to a new ladder, but we are so comfortable with where we are that we don’t want to move. A friend of mine was speaking to me last night and she said all of last year was just God breaking her down and how it was so emotional for her, but she began finding out so many things about herself that she had no idea was there. She even said that she began apologizing to people who had hurt her from years back. She no longer focused on what people did to her, but what she had done. That made so much sense. Lately, all I am able to think about is what I did to my ex-boyfriend. He’s done things to me but I’d be the biggest liar in the world if I said I’ve never done anything to him. I’ve done things and said things that provoked him, with and without my realizing it. It hurts a lot more when you realize that you hurt someone, especially someone you love, than when someone you love hurts you.
Almost every night I would lie in bed wondering why I was so sad. I would wonder where all this pain came from because I thought I had dealt with it already. I would try to figure out why every night there would be something new to cry about. But like they all said, it’s a season. I have found out so much about myself these past few weeks and I know I would not be able to go to this next place in my life if I had held onto those things. I never realized I was so selfish, I never realized I was inconsiderate, I never realized I never fully dealt with the pain of leaving my ex-boyfriend. Some things you just push down so far that you don’t even realize that they are there. But God uproots them to eliminate everything completely. God is holy so we must also be holy. How can a selfish, ignorant, bitter girl be taken to do something she’s never done before? We have to get rid of every last bit of that and I know that is what God is doing.
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, NLT
I don’t know where God is bringing me or what He plans to do, but search me, LORD. Search me and find every fault that is within me. Find in me things that I am aware and unaware of, O God. For You and Your glory. “Más de Ti, menos de mi.” That is serious and that is seriously painful. But God will not leave us to it alone. Dios ES conmigo. God IS with me and He is not going anywhere. I love saying it in Spanish. Normally it’s, “Dios esta conmigo.” But “esta” can be “here today and gone tomorrow.” No, God is with me always. Dios es conmigo. He lives in me, so I abide in HIm.
I went to sleep happy. I woke up happy. I went through the day happy. I am happy.
I was a little worried though, I’ll admit. There have been times that I am happy, think of something, and return back to square one. But the only thing that got me [just a little] sad was the fact that I love to love! I’m not yearning for a boyfriend or a relationship or anything, I just miss loving someone, you know? I miss making sure that someone is cared for, well-pleased, and happy. Obviously it will happen again one day… but of course we all have those nights. Well, maybe… I don’t know. I’m not missing being loved, I’m missing loving. Being loved would be great but I am okay. However, loving someone romantically is such a blessing and such a privilege. Some day soon. And if you are reading this and have someone to love, love them. Really, really love them. Like God loves you.
But anyway, I’m at such peace, such peace. And if I do get a little down again, I’m leaving for school on Monday, so I’ll be back with my Gordon girls to cheer me up and pray for and with me, and that is the best. 🙂 But I can’t help but want to see him one more time. I don’t know why. It wouldn’t help anything. I guess I just want some face-to-face closure. That’s what he did before. I wish we could just once more and the right way this time. But things are different now. I know it won’t happen, but I thought it’d be worth writing down. Even if it did happen, I’d probably forget everything I want to say then end up writing it all on here anyway. I’m probably just feeling this way because I’ve spent the last few hours in the house by myself. Lord knows when I get to thinking, I get to thinking. I don’t know. Sometimes when I’m in the house and I’m to myself (which is pretty much all the time since my car has been in and out of the shop), I’ve been thinking of what I would be doing if he and I were still talking… and with my father not being a factor, we’d be together every second we could possibly be before I left. As soon as he got out of work tonight and tomorrow, I know we’d be together up until the last possible second. But of course, we, as usual, would have no idea what to do and spend most of the time in the car, haha. I can sometimes play out full scenes in my head. Monday morning, too. We’d both go to sleep and wake up really early to be together one more time. You know, we’re different but when it comes to the other, we are just the same. Don’t mind my pleasant reminiscing… At least it’s pleasant. And I’m not sad! I do wish I could see him though. As friends. But deep down inside, I really don’t think he would want to see me at all for anything. He probably wouldn’t even want to catch a glance. I’m sure he’s had it with me and I don’t blame him. We put each other through a lot… But I do sincerely miss my friend. And I do sincerely hope we are able to see each other again. One day.
But anyway again, I really hope and pray that this peace stays. Being sad all the time really stinks. It’s okay to be sad, but for the right reasons and in the right season.