I am a happy person.
I am cheerful.
I am loud.
I am positive.
I am caring.
I am understanding.
I am loving.
I am not an angry person.
I am not mean.
I am not violent.
I am not indifferent.
I am not selfish.
I am no longer allowing emotions to create actions that define who I am or what I stand for.
I am trying to no longer allow people to dictate who I am and who I am not.
I am Jermane.
I am 23.
I am Christian.
I am loving.
I am bisexual.
And I am becoming exactly who I am meant to be.
Have you ever experienced an anger so great that it completely consumed you?
Have you ever felt anger so strong that it made you feel like a monster?
Have you ever exploded on the one you love because your actions were uncontrollable?
This anger comes from sadness, anger, jealousy, false hope, regret, and lies.
This anger comes from years of suppressing all negative emotions until they burst inside of you.
This anger comes from not knowing how to deal with these emotions and letting them get the best of you.
I want it to go away. I want all the anger and sadness and jealousy and loneliness to go away. You would think people who are constantly surrounded by people wouldn’t feel lonely. It’s natural to think it, but anyone who’s experienced it knows that isn’t true.
Everyone wants to be understood. Everyone wants to be cared for. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to feel like they aren’t their mistakes. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Everyone wants to know that they are loved beyond their imperfections.
Everyone wants to hear, “It’s okay. I understand you. I still love you. I’m here for you.” But more importantly than hearing it, they want to feel it.
So even when you get control of this anger and rage and feel like you are getting somewhere and hear these things, if you feel nothing–if you feel unloved and unappreciated and seen as your mistakes–, the rage will return and fill the void.
And then you’re left alone. All alone with you and your pain.
I never understood homosexuality. For me, I was Paul, persecuting those who identified as “gay” or “lesbian.” I was never one to protest, tell people they’re going to hell, that God hates them, etc. I just didn’t understand how the two could mix: Christianity and homosexuality.
If you’re gay, okay. Live your life however you want. I’m not going to be angry with or oppose you.
But in terms of Christianity? It’s an abomination. It says so in our Bible. So why is it even a topic of conversation at churches and Christian schools, like mine?
I never believed that people “couldn’t help it” or were “born this way.” Not until…
…not until about two weeks ago. I made a new friend. She is gay. She is Christian. She loves God but finds herself attracted to girls. She told me that if she could “turn it off,” she would because it would make her life so much easier… but she can’t.
She’s prayed about it, she’s been prayed over, she’s spoken to her pastor, she’s met with a Christian counselor, and… nothing.
Life didn’t make sense for the longest when she told me her story. I was so confused. I still am.
What’s even more confusing? She likes me… And you know what’s crazy?
I like her too.
I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.
My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.
For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.
Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?