Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

I Can’t Help It

Sitting here watching television with my sister… I can’t help it. I can’t wait for my life to unveil. “Veil” being the keyword. I know everything is unraveling, slowly but surely, but I can’t help but look way into the future. And it also makes me wonder (if you haven’t guessed, I am talking about marriage), how could anyone ever abuse their spouse? In whatever way… To mistreat their marriage? I just… I don’t understand. I mean, I get that not every marriage works out. I get that sometimes people realize that they were wrong. I get that not everyone truly knows who they marry. I get that things happen… but, I don’t know. It’s probably just my single 19 year-old ignorant view of it all but I feel that marriage is one of the greatest gifts in the world. It is not to be abused or misused or taken advantage of. If God blesses you with someone who loves you enough to marry you (and let’s hope that is the reason the person is marrying you) then how could you not do everything you do to cherish, love, and hold on to that person and your marriage?

Who knows… haven’t gotten there yet.

Most Recent Release.

This is from today. About 10 minutes ago, actually. I know it’s a lot. But I just kept on writing.

‘Nother rant…

I just wish I had someone that would listen sometimes. To not tell me everything I “need” to hear because I’ve heard it or read it a thousand times before. I don’t believe I’m completely healed. I think if I saw him… I don’t know. Somedays, I’d be just fine but times like now, I don’t know what I’d do. There are some days where I just dislike every single guy in the world. Not because they have done anything to me but because they can, they are able to. They are able to tell you sweet or assuring things that seem to mean so much and be so sincere but really, it was all a lie. Everything said was something to get you to develop trust then they just destroy it all. And you, left there feeling so stupid, and even more stupid after every time because you foolishly trust them over and over again. But that’s all you have. The “love” and “care” and “respect” from that person is all you have. So it doesn’t matter what he does to you. It doesn’t matter if he curses you out or pulls you by the hair or bangs your head up against the wall or take your clothes off then throw them on the other side of the room while holding you down so you can’t reach them or forces himself on you over and over again until you are just used to it and used to being disappointed, not in him, but in yourself for trusting this guy and thinking that he cares about you or even likes you because he doesn’t and he is really just being possessive and controlling and showing all of his power over you and placing an irrevocable fear in you so that you know that you’d better not go anywhere or raise your voice or disobey him because he has the power and he will remind you of that power by any means necessary. Whether it is a slap in the face or tearing off your jeans. He will remind you and you won’t forget. God forbid you do because… he’ll just remind you again.

But why can’t I just have someone who will genuinely care for me? Why isn’t there anyone in the world who can have complete respect for me, even when I don’t have respect for myself? When I don’t even realize that I am degrading myself for going back to this guy or for doing anything! Why can’t there be a guy that is sweet and gentle with me? Who is always taking care of me? Who is not yelling at me? Who does not force me to do anything that I don’t want to do or force himself on me when I don’t want him to? Why can’t there be a guy who just listens to me? Who truly does care for me? I know there’s one out there, I know, but where is he? Where is this guy who desires to wait with me? Where is this guy who is going to fight for me and never stop because he knows that I am worth everything? Where is the guy who is going to come to my doorstep and talk to my father because he knows that unless he is clear with him that nothing is going to happen, and if it does then it is not going to get far? Where is the guy that will gently brush the hair out of my face so he can see me better? Where is the guy that will hold me, not hold me down? Where is the guy that will spiritually lead me? Where is the guy that puts God above me and all other things? I know he’s out there, I know, but where is he? I know it’s all in God’s timing, I know, but having patience is hard. I know I’m young, I know, but I’m not asking to get married tomorrow.

I just want the guy- THIS guy who is everything I said and everything more that I can’t even imagine or ask for, to erase all of the bad memories. I want him to make me forget about everything that has ever happened or that I have ever done because it is forgiven and it is gone and it shouldn’t be in my mind anymore. I just want this guy to get here already. I want him to come and to protect me from everyone else. I’m so tired of being afraid of men. I’m tired of being nervous when I have to be alone with one. I am tired of freaking out because some guy gave me a nasty, leery look so I imagine things in my head of what that person could do or what he could’ve done to me all that time ago. Things that never happened and things that never will happen. I just want everything to be gone. I don’t want this anymore. I am so sick and tired of these memories repeatedly coming back to haunt me. It’s like… since I’m not doing these things anymore, I have to be tortured somehow. If it’s not by my actions then it has to be by my past ones and my past silent cries and my past tears and my past failures and my past mistakes and my past times where I got carried away and my past days of putting up with abuse and my past disrespect for myself and my past inferiority to this self-proclaimed alpha male who turned out to be nothing but a controlling and possessive and obsessive excuse for a man who uses his natural strength to take control and possess what was never rightfully his. Someone who thought taking the heart of someone meant that he was allowed to take everything else. Someone who thought that because he fed someone and bought them some things that he could have his way with them whenever he wanted. But he’s not the only one to blame. I allowed it. I allowed everything. I allowed him to talk down on me. I allowed him into my room. I allowed him keep on coming back. I forgave him after everything he did and almost every single time, never brought it up again. I held back almost all of my tears while he was doing what he was doing so that he wouldn’t feel guilty. I allowed it to happen. I even convinced myself that I deserved it. Some of it. I still feel like punching someone. I feel like punching a guy in his stomach like a punching bag over and over and over again because of all the power he has. I am fine and all for the male dominance over females and that is how I believe things should always be but for some of them to abuse their power like that? It’s just not fair. It’s not fair at all and us females always end up getting the short end of the stick.

I want to punch this guy (not the guy who did everything, a different one) so badly that he just turns into the one I want him to be. The one who cares for me and loves me and takes care of me and is gentle with me. That’s all I want. I want him to be gentle and to respect me. Do I not deserve it? After everything that has happened, do I not deserve to be completely respected? To be looked at as a gem- no, as a jewel and not a piece of something. Not a little Raggedy Ann doll that can be thrown around all over the room. That can be tossed and turned, into whatever position was right for him (not the guy I want to punch, but the guy who did everything). I deserve it after all of the “please”s and the “no”s and the “stop”s and all of them combined. I deserve it. I know I deserve it. I deserve to be healed. WHY can’t I be healed? Why won’t this go away? Why can I not seem to go a day or a few days without being reminded of everything? Without wanting and just longing to tell someone everything but having not one ear to listen? Just 5000 ears to tell me to “Give it all up to God” and to “Let go and let God.” I am all for godly counsel and the world knows that God is my rock and my refuge and my fortress and my Deliverer and the absolute love of my life but sometimes, I just want someone to listen. I just want someone to listen to me for hours or for five minutes. That is where my healing might come in. God knows, God was there. He saw everything. And He’s heard me say it a thousand times. But I just want to tell someone. To have him be right next to me. To hug me afterwards. To offer his shoulder to me. To tell me not to cry or to be afraid anymore. I want to hear him say it. I want to feel him next to me. But no one will listen. No one says anything about it. But who could blame them? If I were in their position, I wouldn’t bring it up either. But deep down inside, I am longing for someone to just ask me, “Jermane… What did he do to you?” And then for them to just sit there and listen. They don’t have to understand. HE does not have to understand. I just want him to be there for me, to be there with me, and just listen. That’s all…

But he’s not here. Oh God, please… When will he get here?

Initial Release

This is from January 23, 2013.

Keep in mind that this is a rant. A non-grammar-checked or spell-checked rant.

I get so frustrated sometimes thinking about things that have happened before… I am over it and all is forgiven but sometimes the memories just come out of nowhere. Then my mind likes to play tricks on me. Making me think that this would happen or that could’ve happened. It’s terrible. And all I can do is think about it until it goes away or try really hard to focus my mind on something else. I don’t know why I put up with everything he said to me, everything he did to me. It was my own fault for continuously opening that door. I shouldn’t have. But that was “love.” He loved me and cared for me like no one else ever could or wanted to. He made sure I was always taken care of. How could I ask for anything more than that? So when he wanted something or demanded something, it was hard to say, “No.” And even when I did, it never really mattered, did it? No… it didn’t. He was the man, I was the woman, and I’d better have listened to everything he said and I better have done everything exactly the way he told me to. I couldn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t make him mad. I couldn’t resist him. I couldn’t push him away. Even when I tried my hardest, it’s like he took all the strength away from me. I’d plead with him and try to get away but I couldn’t. He had me. How could someone tell you they care for you when they completely disrespect you? He could’ve bought me a house, a new car, and a diamond ring but to disrespect me? That’s no form of “love.” And I don’t know why I didn’t see it. “Distance makes us wise.” So when I did realize it and when I actually got the respect I deserved, I couldn’t handle it. I still can’t handle it. I am still waiting for the day when I realize that the wool has been over my eyes this entire time. But it’s not like that. I know it’s not like that. But I’m not sure how to handle the most perfect situation I have ever been put in. Especially when memories from before decide to creep in and especially when I am waiting for the day where I am re-convinced that every male in this world thinks the same things, says the same things, and lacks respect and consideration for females. But it’s not true. I know it’s not true. It can’t be true- are you kidding me? The way I’ve been feeling lately has been an all-time high and I can’t even begin to describe it. I just hope that all this goodness will one day drown out all of the madness from before. It’s not fair that I can’t be completely happy and focused. “Back then” just needs to die already.