aHA!

So he apologized to me. The first apology was not a real apology. The second was close, but didn’t quite make it. The third… that was it. He sent me three of the longest messages ever, just saying in different ways that he was sorry and that he wished the best for me.

He didn’t (or doesn’t) understand why I still love him… why I still show him compassion and love and grace and mercy. He was being a very, very, very mean person, so why would I forgive him? Why would I embrace him and tell him that everything’s okay? Why would I even acknowledge him after all he’s said to me?

Well, God sent His son to die for us, while we were yet in sin. While we were hating him, mocking him, KILLING HIM, He still loved us. He knew that without love, we’d never make it. He knew that without showing grace and mercy, we’d be headed straight toward destruction. He knew that without offering forgiveness through a once-and-for-all sacrifice, we would never stop spilling blood to cover our sins, and God loves obedience to His Word far more than He loves sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22).

We are called to be like Christ. Should we not extend as much love and mercy and forgiveness as we humanly can and time and time again? YES! 🙂 God did it for us so let’s do it for the world!

So, why the “aHA!”? Well, I believe that the enemy tried to throw me off course. I believe that he tried to make me stumble and fall back into sin. I did, I will admit, but God has forgiven me and I praise and thank Him for that. I thought this was all just a move of the enemy. But of course, and we can reference the book of Job for this, God doesn’t allow the enemy to do anything without His permission. God knew what He was doing. The enemy might have meant to crush me, but in the end, God taught me a lesson, and I praise and thank God for that! Hallelujah! Gloria Dios!

For a while (before all this happened) I believed God was showing me what it was really like to be a Christian. And I thought He stopped when I got caught up in this mess… but He didn’t. I was just too caught up and in the middle of it all to realize what the LORD was doing. (Though honestly, I probably wouldn’t have realized it until the end anyway even if I wasn’t in such a mess.)

As Hosea was told by the LORD to marry a prostitute to understand God’s love for Israel despite her unfaithfulness, I believe God showed me how to love someone no matter what they do to hurt you. No matter how many times they bash you or hurt themselves or make you feel like just some girl and on purpose,… you love that person anyway.

I realized this yesterday morning in church. God never stops working. We just have to do our best to remain faithful and know that if we remain righteous and dependent on God, He will work everything out for our good and His glory. God won’t let the devil win. The enemy has already lost… so aHA!

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I Am A Murderer.

1 John 3:15, NLT: “Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.”

I want to so badly say that I hate him. I want to so badly.

I want to forgive him. I want to be able to say that I forgive him and mean it. But I can’t.

I just want him to apologize. Who with a heart leads someone on to something that they have always wanted then drops off the face of the earth like nothing has happened?

I’m over it. I’m over him. But I am not over what happened… All these months later, it still hurts and I don’t know why.

It’s alright though. What doesn’t kill you…

I don’t want to be a murderer. I don’t want to have hardness in my heart. I don’t want to have bad thoughts of someone the second I hear the name or see someone who looks like him, but it’s so, so hard.

I just want to be completely over this heartache.

Why can’t I be completely over this heartache..?