Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

To all the women,

To all the women: Just because a man likes it, doesn’t mean he respects it. There’s nothing respectable about 1000 likes from a flock of men staring at your butt, breasts, thighs, duck faces and tongue lashes; imagining what they’d do to you in bed. You’re no longer a woman in their eyes, you’re an object, a piece of meat, a vain imagination in the eyes of a luster. You want be sexy and feel beautiful, I get it. But being loved and respected should mean more. Beauty is in modesty and a man won’t love a woman he can’t respect.

A lady never has to tell anyone she’s a lady. Everyone already knows.

What defines BEAUTY?

What defines BEAUTY?

You know those ads on the side of your screen that pop up every once in a while? Those inappropriate ads with either a real female or a fake one? Those ads where the only way they know how to draw you in is by a woman’s body? Those ads that seem to believe that the best thing about a woman is the size of her breasts and bottom? Those ads that never promote any other body type other than a Coca-Cola shape? Those ads that honestly, really just make you feel bad about yourself because you’re not paying someone in order to look like that OR because you’re not a “perfectly”-drawn cartoon? Those dumb ads. You know which ads I’m talking about, right? Well, there is only one thing to say about those ads:

FORGET. THOSE. ADS.

They are indirectly defining “beauty” by those “perfect” women with “perfect” bodies that make perfect girls and women feel flawed. Forget those stupid ads. You’re gorgeous. You’re beautiful. And if anyone tells you otherwise, their way of thinking is flawed, not you. Take care of yourself and remember that what your body looks like is what YOUR body looks like. Not like that celebrity’s, not like that model’s, not like that 3D cartoon’s… If you want to better yourself, better yourself for and strictly for you. No one else. Because what’s yours is yours and you can only look like you so be a perfect you. Forget those ads and any other ones you see.

Wide hips, narrow hips. Big booty, little booty. Short legs, long legs. Large boobs, small boobs. Curly hair, straight hair. Lean shape, curvy shape. A little more, a little less. Whatever you are, be who you are perfectly. Don’t let anyone else define you. Feel sorry for that person or those people because they have yet to grasp what real beauty is.

Besides, this is what real beauty is: “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands.” (1 Peter 3:3, NLT) Oh, wait… oh my… That’s crazy… I do not see anything about a woman having that “perfect” figure. Hm. Well what do you know? Can’t argue with the Bible, now can you? 🙂

You’re beautiful. STAY beautiful- inside and out!

Randoms

  • If you’ve never watched the TLC show, Strange Sex, I highly encourage you to watch it. To me, the human body is the most interesting and one of the most amazing things in the world and this show just… I won’t even spoil it. Of course it’s for “mature audiences only” but it’s nothing inappropriate, to an extent anyway. It’s just so darn interesting! It had me up until about 5 in the morning watching it! I mean, being up that early is normal these days, but due to trouble sleeping and not because a TV show is so interesting! It’s on Netflix too, by the way, so… watch it! It is so darn interesting! Just don’t eat a snack and watch it. The whole bag/bowl/box will be completely gone. It’s just one of those shows, man.
  • That long list I made and the second I start feeling blue, I don’t want to do anything, not even anything on that list. It’ll be okay one day.
  • Vine is actually very cool. I used to only use it to watch funny videos but making your own is super fun. So there’s something else to try. (*cough* Jermane Hughes *cough*)
  • If you’re writing an essay and you need to make it longer, change all the periods to 14-point font. It looks exactly the same as 12-point font, but it takes up more space. So you’re welcome.
  • ALWAYS REMEMBER TO CHANGE YOUR OIL. ALWAYS.
  • For the past 2 hours or so, I’ve been getting these weird fits. I’m wheezing and really short of breath, my heart starts beating very fast, and I all of a sudden start crying. My throat on and off becomes very tight as well. It now happens when I think of one thing (and it’s not hard to guess what that is) or when my mind is just blank. It feels like I’m having a panic attack. I’m not anxious and I’m not in fear of some inevitable doom so it is strange. And on top of it all, I can’t sleep. I really hope this is a one-night thing.
  • If God says to stop, stop. If God says to wait, wait. If God says it’s coming, He means it.
  • Keep smiling… just try, just try.

I am such a bad girl…

If it wasn’t for God, lust would utterly destroy me.

That’s part of the reason why I want to get married. You can’t lust after your own husband! Of course I would never rush anything or marry someone just because I’m hormonal but, sometimes I really have to catch myself.

I haven’t physically done anything with anyone and I haven’t willingly physically done anything with anyone in Lord knows how long… It’s just the thoughts that run through my mind. They make me feel like I’ve done the worst when really, I’m just sitting in my room at my desk.

Can I be honest? Sex is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I love “researching” it, for lack of a better word. Not pornography, of course, (because that’s just nonsense) but I love knowing what most men or what most women desire, their guilty pleasures, what to do and where and how to do it… Sex is just so interesting! So my dear future husband, …oh. Oh, sweetie… 😉

But back to the matter at hand. I really need to find a way to distract myself. Today while I was taking a final, I was distracted by it! 😦 Maybe it’s because I haven’t done anything in so long… which is good! That’s what I should be doing (or not doing), but this body and mind of mine… they want the right things but at the wrong time. I’m not married! Get with it, mind and body!

Well, I’m going to read and bathe and take my mind off of things. Jesus fixes everything! Just say the name! JESUS! 🙂