Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

Forgiveness? Loneliness… God.

How do you forgive someone who has never apologized?

How do you forget someone who never said, “Goodbye?”

One of the deepest longings of the human being is to feel wanted and loved and cared for. That’s the dream, right? There’s nothing better.

Seeing others in actual relationships who have found “the one” just makes us want that love even more.

This is not a bad thing! It’s natural. We’re humans. We all have the desire. Some have a greater one than others, but it’s there.

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

You could have something- something wonderful and you realize that the relationship was poisoning the both of you. No matter how badly you just want to give love and be loved, it’s not for you.

Then you could happen to find something- something so wonderful, what you thought was “wonderful” looks like a first grade “boyfriend/girlfriend.” But then one day it just disappears. Without warning, without an apology, without a “Goodbye…” without anything.

So it feels terrible.

There is something there that you could have, but that’s something detrimental.

Then there was something that you had, but that’s just a thing of the past.

Yes, it hurts. Like crazy.

So you wait and wait. You try to focus on God and try to find your full satisfaction in Him, but it’s hard because you’re human and not a day goes by that doesn’t cause you to think of life with “the one.”

So you prepare yourself each day just in case you meet this “one.”

But you don’t. And you have to constantly remind yourself: God is all you’ll ever need. You can’t find true joy and full satisfaction until you realize that.

Tell Me What To Do

I miss having someone tell me what to do…

Not sexually, but in general. And by “someone,” I mean a boyfriend or significant other. I just feel like I make so many mistakes thinking on my own and now that I’m all by myself in a whole other state, I feel like it’s even more important to make the right choices. And as stereotypical, sexist, and feminist-upsetting as it may sound, I feel like since I’m a female and single that I’m going to make way more mistakes than a married female or one in a relationship. I have to think completely on my own. And not that I’m not smart or that I’m unable to or that I am not directed by God. Just saying… things would be so much easier if there was someone in the physical who would tell me what to and not to do and for my own good. Because if I want to do something, that’s it! I’m doing it. There’s just no one here to tell me, “Yes” or “No,” and I really wish there was. I guess my ex-boyfriend always wanting to control everything and “boss me around” (which is what I thought he was doing at times) wasn’t such a bad thing. Or really, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. It was just what I needed. I miss it.

All Is Well

So I’m over it. I’m over this whole thing… If God says, “Yes” then GREAT. If God says, “No” then I’ll have someone even better. It is silly to sit and wait on someone with no guaranteed promises. But I am fine… three weeks later, I am fine. Funny how we were three weeks talking then three weeks for me to be fully alright! I do miss it though. It was nice while it lasted. It gave me a reason to smile, and maybe that was its sole purpose. Now I am just waiting for God to give me an even BIGGER reason. Whether it is him or someone else. I guess it doesn’t matter anymore… I’d never deny God’s blessings!! 🙂

Maybe you think I am taking this too seriously. I mean, it was just three weeks. But you don’t understand. I felt something that I have never felt before. It was respect. Now by no means did I like him because of respect. Because what if that went away? Would I still like him? Anyway, I like(d) him because of everything he (is and) was. Along with his cuteness. There were things I did not like, of course, but man… I really thought, and still think, that he was something. But back to taking this too seriously. I am going to make this loud and clear:

I am not looking for a boyfriend.

A boyfriend, in my mind, is someone you spend time with, hold hands with, kiss with, make stupid mistakes with, then break up with. If I wanted that then… I don’t even know. It’s silly to me. I am waiting for God to send me the one who I will give myself to, who will take me, and who I will spend my entire life cherishing. I think I’ve said this before but I am not looking to get married tomorrow or anytime soon. But to know who I am going to marry would mean so much to me. Fortunately though, I know God is preparing a mighty man for me. That itself allows me to sit in the comfort of knowing that one day, he will come. Maybe I’ve met him already, maybe I have yet to, but I will. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he will come. I’m not worried. 😉