It’s not the same.

Are you ever really healed?

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever healed?

Yes.

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever the same?

No.

Simple reminiscent thoughts could come to mind and all of a sudden you’re that scared girl again: anxious about what’s to happen, nervous as anything, using your arms and legs to cover your exposed self, and frozen with fear. You go back to remembering that just before this very encounter you were feeling confident and strong. But now, it seems as if all of that has gone out the window.

I remember I did feel very confident once. Yes, I remember. He came to see me and I felt so strong, knowing… thinking that I would have the upper hand and wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to. But the moment he got close to me, the moment he started speaking to me with that voice in that way, the moment he touched me, the second he gripped my neck, it was all gone. It was like I hadn’t even had it in the first place.

Something tiny, something so small that I can’t even remember, was all it took to be back there. To be nervous and scared and inferior and without all power. There is pleasure in it, but only because it’s the only time in the world I feel wanted. But that’s not what I want.

Esta Noche.

So I am back at school and I am the only one in my room, my suite, and one of the few on the entire floor. It. Is. Wondrous. I did everything I needed and wanted to do without any interruption. I unpacked: No problem. Watched Netflix: No problem. Talked back to the TV show I was watching on Netflix: No problem. Went to get dinner: No problem. Took the world’s longest shower: No problem. Did my hair using the mirror above the sink: No problem. Watched a movie without headphones: No problem. Wrote (now two new posts) on WordPress: No problem. Made a few new Vines: No problem. Kept the big light on this whole time: No problem. About to do my reading: Won’t be a problem… Some people may talk about not liking being alone but it really is something to cherish. You don’t have to worry about anybody and you can do whatever you want!

Also… I don’t know what it is about tonight but I feel so beautiful. I feel like every inch of me is so sexy: the curls in my hair seem so gorgeous; this new bathrobe accentuates the muscles in my legs; the muscles in my legs look like I’ve been working out (I haven’t). I look in the mirror and just feel pretty. I don’t know what the sudden change is or where it came from but it’s here and I feel wonderful and confident and beautiful. It feels so good and I am saying this because I honestly have not felt this way in months and it makes me so happy. Besides, who doesn’t like to look in the mirror and know that one day you’re going to knock the shoes, socks, and everything else off your future husband? 😉

I just feel so good! Who’s to say I would’ve felt this way if I wasn’t alone? Solitude is golden, and for more reasons than one.

By the way, I’ve been up all day and am now watching the sun rise before I finally (maybe) go to sleep. The sun always rises right outside my window. It is the most perfect view. The blue, the purple, the pink, the orange… It’s so beautiful. Taking it all in.