I never understood homosexuality. For me, I was Paul, persecuting those who identified as “gay” or “lesbian.” I was never one to protest, tell people they’re going to hell, that God hates them, etc. I just didn’t understand how the two could mix: Christianity and homosexuality.
If you’re gay, okay. Live your life however you want. I’m not going to be angry with or oppose you.
But in terms of Christianity? It’s an abomination. It says so in our Bible. So why is it even a topic of conversation at churches and Christian schools, like mine?
I never believed that people “couldn’t help it” or were “born this way.” Not until…
…not until about two weeks ago. I made a new friend. She is gay. She is Christian. She loves God but finds herself attracted to girls. She told me that if she could “turn it off,” she would because it would make her life so much easier… but she can’t.
She’s prayed about it, she’s been prayed over, she’s spoken to her pastor, she’s met with a Christian counselor, and… nothing.
Life didn’t make sense for the longest when she told me her story. I was so confused. I still am.
What’s even more confusing? She likes me… And you know what’s crazy?
I like her too.
What. Is. WRONG with me?!
This rollercoaster of emotions seems to be never-ending. I feel like a terrible person for thinking these thoughts and desiring these things… but I can’t help it.
Why why WHY, no matter how long it’s been, do I always end up here? How in the world do I always feel so “good” and “free” and just full of all this joy but then I ALWAYS find myself here again?
It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. I hate to be complaining but I did not ask for this.
I’m happy. I am so happy… So why do I feel so sad?
I keep finding myself saying that I forgive you, but I don’t. I’ve realized that I always move on from things and stop thinking about them… but of course they always catch up with me. I think I forgive you, then I’m mad at you all over again.
The truth is, I don’t know how to forgive. I say someone or something is forgiven but really, I believe, I just push it out of my mind so I don’t think about it and so I don’t hurt from it. Maybe that’s it. I just don’t want to feel pain (like everyone else in the world, right?). Well, I don’t want to have to go through and truly heal from something that pained me. I’d much rather just forget it ever happen then move on, but everything will catch up with you in the long run. Feelings, mistakes, grudges… I want to forgive him but I don’t know how. And I don’t want to put the blame on him or anyone but it is because of that very situation that I have no idea of how I am going to trust a male who seems interested in me. How do I know he’s not going to end up being a jerk? How do I know he’s not going to try to take advantage of me, physically or emotionally? How do I know he’s not just going to walk away from the whole thing, no words said…? It’s like there is cynicism rising up within me whenever a guy says, “Hello.” Like I said, I want to forgive him, but I don’t know how. God, please help me.