Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

I am such a bad girl…

If it wasn’t for God, lust would utterly destroy me.

That’s part of the reason why I want to get married. You can’t lust after your own husband! Of course I would never rush anything or marry someone just because I’m hormonal but, sometimes I really have to catch myself.

I haven’t physically done anything with anyone and I haven’t willingly physically done anything with anyone in Lord knows how long… It’s just the thoughts that run through my mind. They make me feel like I’ve done the worst when really, I’m just sitting in my room at my desk.

Can I be honest? Sex is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I love “researching” it, for lack of a better word. Not pornography, of course, (because that’s just nonsense) but I love knowing what most men or what most women desire, their guilty pleasures, what to do and where and how to do it… Sex is just so interesting! So my dear future husband, …oh. Oh, sweetie… 😉

But back to the matter at hand. I really need to find a way to distract myself. Today while I was taking a final, I was distracted by it! 😦 Maybe it’s because I haven’t done anything in so long… which is good! That’s what I should be doing (or not doing), but this body and mind of mine… they want the right things but at the wrong time. I’m not married! Get with it, mind and body!

Well, I’m going to read and bathe and take my mind off of things. Jesus fixes everything! Just say the name! JESUS! 🙂

Tell Me What To Do

I miss having someone tell me what to do…

Not sexually, but in general. And by “someone,” I mean a boyfriend or significant other. I just feel like I make so many mistakes thinking on my own and now that I’m all by myself in a whole other state, I feel like it’s even more important to make the right choices. And as stereotypical, sexist, and feminist-upsetting as it may sound, I feel like since I’m a female and single that I’m going to make way more mistakes than a married female or one in a relationship. I have to think completely on my own. And not that I’m not smart or that I’m unable to or that I am not directed by God. Just saying… things would be so much easier if there was someone in the physical who would tell me what to and not to do and for my own good. Because if I want to do something, that’s it! I’m doing it. There’s just no one here to tell me, “Yes” or “No,” and I really wish there was. I guess my ex-boyfriend always wanting to control everything and “boss me around” (which is what I thought he was doing at times) wasn’t such a bad thing. Or really, it wasn’t a bad thing at all. It was just what I needed. I miss it.

An Unpleasant Reminder

So yesterday I went to the hang out with my two roommates from the mission trip I went on last summer, and we decided to go to the movies (we saw ‘Identity Theft…’ it is so… oh my goodness… just nope, not for me). Cool, right? Mhm, cool.

Keep in mind, kind reader, that the last time I went to the movies was with- you know… him… My ex-boyfriend (so no one has to scroll through each of my posts to find out who “him” is). But it was fine! I was with two of my girls, one on each side. But as soon as the lights went out, I got so nervous. I started breathing heavily and I was just waiting for someone to pull me close or grab my neck or touch me or kiss me or feel me or something. The whole thing just made me so nervous. After a while, though, I was fine. But then, of course, there was the most disgusting sex scene ever and just that made me uncomfortable (naturally). Blahh! I’m sorry, we’re going to move on. I can’t even think about this anymore because that was just… blasdfaksdlflkasjf blah!!!

So on the ride home… You know when you’re driving home in the car by yourself with slow music playing in the nighttime and you just begin to think about LIFE? Yes well, that’s exactly what happened, readers. That’s exactly what happened. I was thinking about… him. The good “him,” not the not-so-good “him.” Ugh, it’s so aggravating- why do I still think about this child? Anyway, getting off topic… But of course, being me, I was imagining things (good, appropriate things) that might happen the next time we saw each other. And just by the thought of GOOD things, I got so nervous. I know for a fact that I would be repulsively awkward if I was ever alone or out with a guy that I shared positive mutual feelings with. Like beyond awkward. I’d be so nervous and so shy and just terrified! And it’s because, I believe, of an issue with trust. And I hate to be that girl with trust issues but what can you do? But I just don’t know what that guy is going to do. Whoever the guy may be! Jim, Jack, Joe, or Mike, whoever. The second we are alone, the second we are in a car together, he is automatically in control and just because. A guy can do whatever he wants at anytime! He has the strength to. So no matter how sweet and kind and charming and considerate and thoughtful a guy is when we’re apart or around people, the second we’re alone he could be a completely different person. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for years, there are emotions that can lie dormant in a person that could explode at any moment. Or maybe the person always hides them or what have you! I can just never be too sure. Even if it was this guy, who I am so about to post about, my little ol’ self would still be shaking in my boots.

I’m just scared… and everything came back just because I was in a movie theater. Seriously? To even think about the things that happened or the things I’ve done. Goodness gracious. It’s not okay.