Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

To Be Loved

Very often I find myself wanting to pray for God to send me “the one.” Every time, shortly after, I realize that no matter how much or how hard I pray, it’s all going to happen in God’s timing anyway. I could pray day after day, but if God doesn’t want “him” to come until next year, “he” won’t come until next year, and that’s the end of it.

But more than anything, all I want is for things to have played out differently. I wish my words and my actions and my thoughts were different. I wish I could rewind time and do certain things all over again. But don’t we all…?

We have to remember that we’re never the only lonely person in the world, even though it sometimes seems that way.

I try to remind myself that true love is only and can only be found in God. God is love. If we look to any person for it, we will inevitably become disappointed and perhaps even needy. We don’t want that.

If you want to find love, read the Gospel of John- John is all about love. Or read 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter. You know, there is love everywhere and all around us and we fail to realize it all the time. Emmanuel is His name! “God with us.” If God is love then love is always with us no matter where we are, no matter where we go; high and low.

But we’re human. Sometimes we need to physically feel someone touching us and kissing us and holding us and loving us. We desire to hear the audible words, “I care about you,” “I’m never going to hurt/leave you,” “I want you,” and of course, “I love you.” I get it. It’s natural. We’re human. It’s okay to desire an earthly love. But we have to, have to, have to remind ourselves that God is love and God is with us: Emmanuel.

Lust

Is it still considered lust if thoughts aren’t coming to you voluntarily?

Is it still lust if your desires take you by surprise?

Is it?

My head is filled with so many thoughts right now… and I planned on writing so much more, but I’m a little embarrassed.

I’m embarrassed to want something from someone that’s just.. I don’t know. I don’t even know.

I want it, naturally, but I never think about it. At least not like this. Maybe it’s a once-in-a-while kind of thing?

Lust is a crazy thing. You don’t have to be doing anything or talking to anyone for it to accompany you. It just comes.

There’s been no touch, no laugh, no kiss, no nothing that would spark this.

Well, maybe it’s just that.

• • •

Whew… okay, it’s happening. It is happening.

Well, it’s happened.

I officially cannot think of anything else.

I can’t concentrate. I can’t get this off my mind.

This lust is not mine and I do not want it anymore, so will the owner please take it back? Thank you.

I even dreamt about it.

Last night, I dreamt that for a few moments, I was pleasing myself.

Then I stopped because I knew I shouldn’t have been doing that.

What in the world. I honestly have the most non-existent sex life in any type of way. So why is this happening?

I guess it’s a good thing that there is not even an opportunity for a slip-up.

Because this is one crazy moment of weakness.

Whew… got to shake this off.

Forgiveness? Loneliness… God.

How do you forgive someone who has never apologized?

How do you forget someone who never said, “Goodbye?”

One of the deepest longings of the human being is to feel wanted and loved and cared for. That’s the dream, right? There’s nothing better.

Seeing others in actual relationships who have found “the one” just makes us want that love even more.

This is not a bad thing! It’s natural. We’re humans. We all have the desire. Some have a greater one than others, but it’s there.

Maybe that’s why it hurts so much.

You could have something- something wonderful and you realize that the relationship was poisoning the both of you. No matter how badly you just want to give love and be loved, it’s not for you.

Then you could happen to find something- something so wonderful, what you thought was “wonderful” looks like a first grade “boyfriend/girlfriend.” But then one day it just disappears. Without warning, without an apology, without a “Goodbye…” without anything.

So it feels terrible.

There is something there that you could have, but that’s something detrimental.

Then there was something that you had, but that’s just a thing of the past.

Yes, it hurts. Like crazy.

So you wait and wait. You try to focus on God and try to find your full satisfaction in Him, but it’s hard because you’re human and not a day goes by that doesn’t cause you to think of life with “the one.”

So you prepare yourself each day just in case you meet this “one.”

But you don’t. And you have to constantly remind yourself: God is all you’ll ever need. You can’t find true joy and full satisfaction until you realize that.