Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

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I Understand.

To A Reader,

I know how you feel.

It’s easy to be a human and to want someone to “complete” you. But it’s hard to be a Christian, sometimes, and admit that you desire someone special in your life.

It’s easy to be a human and want to feel wanted. But it’s hard to be a Christian and confess that you are not fully content, sometimes.

It’s easy to be a human and have the desire to serve and to love. But it’s hard to be a Christian and tell the LORD that you want a physical presence, not just a spiritual. Sometimes.

It’s easy to be a human and yearn to be loved. But it’s hard to be a Christian and say that you know Jesus loves you, but Jesus loves everybody, and you want someone who loves you and only you.

It’s hard. I understand. And you’re never the only one.

– JJH

Lust

Is it still considered lust if thoughts aren’t coming to you voluntarily?

Is it still lust if your desires take you by surprise?

Is it?

My head is filled with so many thoughts right now… and I planned on writing so much more, but I’m a little embarrassed.

I’m embarrassed to want something from someone that’s just.. I don’t know. I don’t even know.

I want it, naturally, but I never think about it. At least not like this. Maybe it’s a once-in-a-while kind of thing?

Lust is a crazy thing. You don’t have to be doing anything or talking to anyone for it to accompany you. It just comes.

There’s been no touch, no laugh, no kiss, no nothing that would spark this.

Well, maybe it’s just that.

• • •

Whew… okay, it’s happening. It is happening.

Well, it’s happened.

I officially cannot think of anything else.

I can’t concentrate. I can’t get this off my mind.

This lust is not mine and I do not want it anymore, so will the owner please take it back? Thank you.

I even dreamt about it.

Last night, I dreamt that for a few moments, I was pleasing myself.

Then I stopped because I knew I shouldn’t have been doing that.

What in the world. I honestly have the most non-existent sex life in any type of way. So why is this happening?

I guess it’s a good thing that there is not even an opportunity for a slip-up.

Because this is one crazy moment of weakness.

Whew… got to shake this off.

Mark 13

From October 14…

Mark 13 is heavy on my heart tonight… “The coming of the Son of Man can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. When he left home, he gave each of his slaves instructions about the work they were to do, and he told the gatekeeper to watch for his return. You, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know when the master of the household will return—in the evening, at midnight, before dawn, or at daybreak. Don’t let him find you sleeping when he arrives without warning. I say to you what I say to everyone: Watch for him!” (Mark 13:34-37 NLT)

Why do we sin…? Because we’re human and because we’re fleshly. We have lustful desires and we sin. But WHY? The temptation is always there but is it ever worth it? Can we begin to exercise our willpower THAT GOD GAVE US and say, “No! Get behind me, satan!” to our temptations? Because what if… What if that ONE time you give in, you hear the trumpets? That ONE time, you see the Son of Man (behold, he comes!) riding on the clouds? How ashamed would we be if Jesus the Christ himself returned to earth to gather God’s chosen and we are caught in our mess?

It turns into a question of, “Who do we love more? Our God or our sin?” One cannot have two masters.

Be alert. He’s coming soon.

One day…

I know, I know. Posting on February 14th, ya sé, ya sé. But I want to record my dream…

I haven’t dreamt this though. Just… thought it up. 🙂

One day I want a man- the man- the mighty man of GOD- MY mighty man of GOD to surprise me. I want him to plan it all out. The works. I dream that one day my mighty man will surprise me, whether it is at work, school, my house, church… I want him to come up to me all dressed up in a black suit, white button-down, tie (maybe even a bow tie… they are adorable, but not necessary), and nice shoes, smelling amazing with a bouquet of red roses. I want him to find me, and when he does, I want him to never take his eyes off me. Then when our eyes meet, I want to see the look of just… deepdeep affection. Like I am not just the only person in the room but the only person in the whole world. Then when we come together… I don’t know. He could say, “Very pretty you be” and I’d probably just melt, haha.

So that’s my dream. The start of it anyway. Maybe more thoughts will come later. But that alone would just be… amazing. More than amazing.