Crying Out

I cry out

For Your hand of mercy to heal me

I am weak

And I need Your love to free me

O, LORD, my Rock

My strength in weakness

Come rescue me, O LORD

There’s something about crying out to the LORD in your weakest. There’s something so comforting, before anything has even changed, about knowing that God has heard your cry and will answer, heal, and mend you in His time.

I was listening to Isaiah 38 last night (en Español) and this stuck out to me:

In those days Hezekiah became sick and was at the point of death. And Isaiah the prophet the son of Amoz came to him, and said to him, “Thus says the LORD: Set your house in order, for you shall die, you shall not recover.” Then Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, and said, “Please, O LORD, remember how I have walked before you in faithfulness and with a whole heart, and have done what is good in your sight.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Then the word of the LORD came to Isaiah: “Go and say to Hezekiah, Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will add fifteen years to your life. I will deliver you and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria, and will defend this city.

Isaiah 38:1-6, ESV

 

En aquellos días Ezequías enfermó de muerte. Y vino a él el profeta Isaías hijo de Amoz, y le dijo: Jehová dice así: Ordena tu casa, porque morirás, y no vivirás.

Entonces volvió Ezequías su rostro a la pared, e hizo oración a Jehová,

y dijo: Oh Jehová, te ruego que te acuerdes ahora que he andado delante de ti en verdad y con íntegro corazón, y que he hecho lo que ha sido agradable delante de tus ojos. Y lloró Ezequías con gran lloro.

Entonces vino palabra de Jehová a Isaías, diciendo:

Ve y di a Ezequías: Jehová Dios de David tu padre dice así: He oído tu oración, y visto tus lágrimas; he aquí que yo añado a tus días quince años.

Y te libraré a ti y a esta ciudad, de mano del rey de Asiria; y a esta ciudad ampararé.

Isaías 38:1-6, RVR1960

 

I’m not sure what more there is to say… but how awesome is it that we have a God who hears our prayers, studies our hearts, and sees our tears. Praise the LORD. Gloria Dios.

 

 

Precioso Jesús

Al contemplar Tu obra en la cruz
Tanto amor derramado y todo por mí
Con gratitud me quiero acercar
Sólo tengo mi vida aceptala

No se cómo expresarme ante Tu hermosura
Rodeada de gloria y poder
Necesito decirte lo que siento ahora
Me acerco a Ti, al santo lugar

Precioso Jesús, mi Redentor
Amado Señor, eres todo para mí
Te adoraré cada día de mi vida
No puedo vivir si no estás junto a mí

Me Encontraste – Canción Original

Más y más yo Te necesito

Día en día Te llamaba

Estaba sólo y la vacuidad fue mío

Pero me encontraste y me amabas

 

O SEÑOR, mi Fortaleza

Me salvaste en gran manera

Tú echaste mi tristeza

Y me llevaste desde afuera

 

En la luz

Enfrente de la cruz

 

O más y más yo Te quiero

Día en día Te ruego

Estoy contigo, estás conmigo

Porque me encontraste y Tú me amas

 

O SEÑOR, mi Fortaleza

Me salvaste en gran manera

Tú echaste mi tristeza

Y me llevaste desde afuera

 

En la luz

Enfrente de la cruz

 

Jesús, mi Salvador

O Dios, mi Redentor

Levanto y sólo por

La gracia de mi Señor

 

O SEÑOR, mi Fortaleza

Me salvaste en gran manera

Tú echaste mi tristeza

Y me llevaste desde afuera

 

En la luz

Enfrente de la cruz

Reasons Why I’m Happay

– God is so amazing. To fall in love with God is to fall in love with the One Who is everything.
– I have great friends! I feel the love from back home and the love I feel here is insane! Gloria Dios!
– I just read more of my favorite book of the Bible: ÉXODO! Y sí, la leí en español. 🙂
– “Y habitaré entre los hijos de Israel, y seré su Dios. Y conocerán que Yo soy Jehová su Dios, Que los saqué de la tierra de Egipto, para habitar en medio de ellos. Yo Jehová su Dios. (Éxodo 29:45, 46 RVR60)” That right there! God is just AMAZING!
– The day is finally over and I’m in the bed. PRAISE GOD. Tuesdays are the worst.
– Chelsea gave me hugs today! Many hugs!
– I have the greatest dad ever and I love him so!
– I love my mom!
– I attend the greatest undergraduate school in the world!
– God is good!

I’m just so happy. 🙂

¡Gloria demos al nombre de Dios!

I am so very grateful to be in a land where I am free to read the Word! I could read Exodus everyday and the fact that I have been blessed enough to read and understand it in Spanish is absolutely amazing! Don’t ever take your Word for granted! Not everyone is as fortunate as we are!
And something that stuck out to me while reading the other day was, “Entonces pusieron sobre ellos comisarios de tributos que los molestasen con sus cargas… Pero cuanto más los oprimían, tanto más se multiplicaban y crecían, de manera que los egipcios temían a los hijos de Israel.” Éxodo 1:11-12, RVR 1960. The KJV reads, “Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens… But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew. And they were grieved because of the children of Israel.”
Wow!!! The harsher the cause, the greater the effect. No matter what affliction we are put through, we are children of God and we will never stop growing. It IS an act of God, after all. The children of Israel didn’t suffer for nothing! God always knows what He’s doing (of course)! Be it a pain to the world. That is alright because it will be ALL GLORY to God. Go read your Bible! It is wonderful!

Seasons

I went to Bible study last night and I am feeling better than I have in what seems like such a long time. You can never leave God’s presence without being changed. I came in and they had already started. They were in Ecclesiastes discussing different seasons of life. In my mind, all I could think was, “Well what season am I in?… What kind of season is this?… Ecclesiastes is the most depressing book in the Bible!” Eventually I opened up and shared what I was feeling and thinking and the people there that I knew and that I had never seen before just began pouring into me. Everything they said made so much sense to me.

At the end of last year, I said that I felt like 2014 was going to be different. I still feel the same way. The end of this year will not be the same as it has been. I know I’ll look back and see all the wonderful things God has done. Basically, and in short, what I took last night from the study was that God cannot bring me to where He wants me to be this year or in this next “season” if I am not prepared. I visited a church while I was at school and the pastor had all these ladders on the stage. It’s a contemporary church and I didn’t really understand but I went with it and in the end found it so helpful. In all, he was saying that God may try to bring us to a new level, or to a new ladder, but we are so comfortable with where we are that we don’t want to move. A friend of mine was speaking to me last night and she said all of last year was just God breaking her down and how it was so emotional for her, but she began finding out so many things about herself that she had no idea was there. She even said that she began apologizing to people who had hurt her from years back. She no longer focused on what people did to her, but what she had done. That made so much sense. Lately, all I am able to think about is what I did to my ex-boyfriend. He’s done things to me but I’d be the biggest liar in the world if I said I’ve never done anything to him. I’ve done things and said things that provoked him, with and without my realizing it. It hurts a lot more when you realize that you hurt someone, especially someone you love, than when someone you love hurts you.

Almost every night I would lie in bed wondering why I was so sad. I would wonder where all this pain came from because I thought I had dealt with it already. I would try to figure out why every night there would be something new to cry about. But like they all said, it’s a season. I have found out so much about myself these past few weeks and I know I would not be able to go to this next place in my life if I had held onto those things. I never realized I was so selfish, I never realized I was inconsiderate, I never realized I never fully dealt with the pain of leaving my ex-boyfriend. Some things you just push down so far that you don’t even realize that they are there. But God uproots them to eliminate everything completely. God is holy so we must also be holy. How can a selfish, ignorant, bitter girl be taken to do something she’s never done before? We have to get rid of every last bit of that and I know that is what God is doing.

For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2 A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3 A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4 A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5 A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6 A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7 A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8 A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, NLT

I don’t know where God is bringing me or what He plans to do, but search me, LORD. Search me and find every fault that is within me. Find in me things that I am aware and unaware of, O God. For You and Your glory. “Más de Ti, menos de mi.” That is serious and that is seriously painful. But God will not leave us to it alone. Dios ES conmigo. God IS with me and He is not going anywhere. I love saying it in Spanish. Normally it’s, “Dios esta conmigo.” But “esta” can be “here today and gone tomorrow.” No, God is with me always. Dios es conmigo. He lives in me, so I abide in HIm.

I went to sleep happy. I woke up happy. I went through the day happy. I am happy.

I was a little worried though, I’ll admit. There have been times that I am happy, think of something, and return back to square one. But the only thing that got me [just a little] sad was the fact that I love to love! I’m not yearning for a boyfriend or a relationship or anything, I just miss loving someone, you know? I miss making sure that someone is cared for, well-pleased, and happy. Obviously it will happen again one day… but of course we all have those nights. Well, maybe… I don’t know. I’m not missing being loved, I’m missing loving. Being loved would be great but I am okay. However, loving someone romantically is such a blessing and such a privilege. Some day soon. And if you are reading this and have someone to love, love them. Really, really love them. Like God loves you.

But anyway, I’m at such peace, such peace. And if I do get a little down again, I’m leaving for school on Monday, so I’ll be back with my Gordon girls to cheer me up and pray for and with me, and that is the best. 🙂 But I can’t help but want to see him one more time. I don’t know why. It wouldn’t help anything. I guess I just want some face-to-face closure. That’s what he did before. I wish we could just once more and the right way this time. But things are different now. I know it won’t happen, but I thought it’d be worth writing down. Even if it did happen, I’d probably forget everything I want to say then end up writing it all on here anyway. I’m probably just feeling this way because I’ve spent the last few hours in the house by myself. Lord knows when I get to thinking, I get to thinking. I don’t know. Sometimes when I’m in the house and I’m to myself (which is pretty much all the time since my car has been in and out of the shop), I’ve been thinking of what I would be doing if he and I were still talking… and with my father not being a factor, we’d be together every second we could possibly be before I left. As soon as he got out of work tonight and tomorrow, I know we’d be together up until the last possible second. But of course, we, as usual, would have no idea what to do and spend most of the time in the car, haha. I can sometimes play out full scenes in my head. Monday morning, too. We’d both go to sleep and wake up really early to be together one more time. You know, we’re different but when it comes to the other, we are just the same. Don’t mind my pleasant reminiscing… At least it’s pleasant. And I’m not sad! I do wish I could see him though. As friends. But deep down inside, I really don’t think he would want to see me at all for anything. He probably wouldn’t even want to catch a glance. I’m sure he’s had it with me and I don’t blame him. We put each other through a lot… But I do sincerely miss my friend. And I do sincerely hope we are able to see each other again. One day.

But anyway again, I really hope and pray that this peace stays. Being sad all the time really stinks. It’s okay to be sad, but for the right reasons and in the right season.

The worst… but only because of the best.

I just had the worst series of dreams anyone could ever have.

I dreamt of frogs. Lots and lots of frogs. Towards the end, BIG frogs. Closer towards the end, a frog was thrown at me (but I killed that bad boy). There was still green and slime left on my hand, but it all symbolizes something, I think. And I’m about to get real spiritual so get ready. In the spiritual world where there is spiritual warfare, there are different types of angels and different types of demons. One demon that loves me ever so much is the spirit of lust. That spirit takes the form of, none other than, a frog. How do I know this? Church, testimonies, research. I detest frogs. Yes, God created them but ever since I found that out, in my eyes, they are unclean, nasty, little animals. Bleh!!! And the frogs in my dream (two of them) were HUGE! And they had a baby! The others were regular-sized but why in the world am I dreaming of frogs and lots of them? Oh and how the last one was thrown at me… I see that symbolized as lust because I don’t struggle with it right now, but if I have ever struggled with sin, that sin is lust. I killed the frog symbolizing that I killed that within me and that spirit is gone and has left me. I have no desire to have sex with anyone, I have no desire to masturbate, I have no desire to watch pornography- nothing. None. But that green and slime still left on my hand, to me, symbolizes that even though I killed it, a little it still remains. I am looking at the dead frog now but when I look at myself, it’s still in me, or “on” me, speaking in terms of the dream. It was a reminder of my sin… For instance, in real life, I couldn’t be alone with my ex-boyfriend because I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t kiss him because I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t click on certain things online or on my phone because sometimes because I can’t trust myself. The spirit has left me but one thing about the devil (and God) is that he will always take you back. But like the Bible says in Matthew 5:30, “And if your hand–even your stronger hand–causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (NLT) It was SO symbolic in the dream and I believe the residue was left on my right hand (my stronger hand). It was on no other part of my body but that and believe you me, I would have cut that thing off, thrown it away, and looked forward to my new right hand, left hand, feet, arms, legs- BODY in Heaven! A hand is a hand. Doesn’t mean anything to me!

That same part had my sisters. Oddly enough, they were the ones throwing the frogs! It was a joke to them, but not to me. It makes sense though. Earlier today, my three younger sisters and I were in the twins’ room (two of my younger sisters) and were talking about random things. Then we began talking about this rabbit that one of my sisters was able to take home from school some years ago. Mind you, I hate rabbits. I cannot even look at them. So they were joking about how much I didn’t like the thing and how I “acted like [they] brought home a dead squirrel or something.” That rabbit story was real life, so me not liking an animal and having them of all people tease me with that specific one makes perfect sense.

Another part of the dream included another one of my sisters. I was in someone’s garage (I guess it was mine) and one of my younger sisters was on top of a file cabinet or something that fell over. She fell down with it and banged her skull on the cement. She laid there for a few seconds and I yelled and called 911. My mom came (which is strange because I don’t live with my mother) and she was yelling and crying and then 911 asked me some weird question in some foreign language. And then! she got up. She sat up, I hung up, we ran over to her and she said she was fine and was smiling. After lying on the ground completely motionless, the child said she was fine! I looked at her head and she clearly had a crack or wound or whatever it’s called and I told her that she still needed to go to the hospital.

Another part had me randomly on Facebook and stumbling across Mr. Military Man from last year. The one who came and left all within three weeks? Yes, him. He was in Connecticut and someone just had a baby and his sister looked really old and he changed his profile picture to a collage of him when he was 3 or 4 or 5 years-old. I don’t know why I dreamt that. That whole situation is over and, I promise this with my whole heart, I am over it. 🙂

This next part was actually pretty funny. One of the co-leaders in the REACH (Re-Establish And CHange) Drama Outreach Ministry that I’m in at Gordon was in Connecticut for some reason at Quinnipiac (the school that I transferred from). He lives in… where does he live? I don’t know, but not in Connecticut! He was stuck at Quinnipiac and I said I was able to give him a ride home since Quinnipiac, my house, and his house were within like 10 minutes of each other (which is partly true, except the part about his house because he lives in another state). I then realized that I couldn’t drive because of the snow (that came out of NOWHERE, by the way, because it was just a regular rainy not-cold day at first) (I also, in reality, am unable drive in the snow because my car has rear-wheel drive and the last time [and only time] I tried, I swerved off the road while going around a bend and almost into some trees so…) so I had to leave him there and for some reason was unable to tell him that I couldn’t come so he was left waiting. It made me feel so bad! So after I wake up, I tell him that whole part of the dream on his Facebook wall and he says, “It wasn’t a dream. I am in Quinnipiac… you’re not coming?? :(” So I tell him to stop playing around because I actually woke up really confused and worried! I seriously even checked my phone to make sure I wasn’t supposed to be getting him. Then he texts me and says, “You comin’ to get me?” So I tell him he’s the meanest person alive and he thanks me. Then he stopped, thank God. I don’t know if you thought that was funny but I did.

Another part was on a plane. Random people I know (including two people who graduated from my high school the year after me who just got married yesterday who were actually supposed to be on a plane) were there sitting and some (including myself) were dancing and my pastor was recording. Possibly because today’s his birthday? I don’t know but that wasn’t a bad part. That part was just random. However, I did receive a text message or Facebook message or whatever it was during this part though, which led to the worst…

I received a message (strangely while I was messaging him probably telling him that I missed him) from my ex-boyfriend and he sent this long, long message to me. The first thing I saw was a picture of him wearing a new shirt someone got him for Christmas. It was a picture of the whole satanic triangle/eye nonsense. The next picture was of that zoomed in. Someone got him this for Christmas! CHRISTmas! He then told me about this new belief and included all these other pictures and explanations of why the devil is right and somehow, one way or another, God and satan are working together and all this… junk! He was so sold out and so convinced that his new belief was right and it scared the bejeezes out of me, even in the dream! I know it was just a dream but no one else said that to me. It could have been anyone to say that, but it was him. No one else has even said anything relatively close to that to me, even in a dream. And I was still worried after I woke up and found myself in reality because he has different beliefs than me, which is fine, no one in the world will ever completely agree on everything. But some things he’s tried to explain to me, like philosophy, for example, are so worldly. I mean, beyond worldly. I don’t know where he stands now but Paul said in Colossians 2:8, “Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that comes from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.” (NLT) Alright, Paul! Amen and amen. There is nothing truthful in this world or out of this world that does not come from the LORD Himself. Anything else, no matter how smart or intelligent or makes-sensey it sounds, is all from the enemy and it is a lie. But back on topic, I just don’t want him to be deceived. Out of everyone outside of my family, I would be the most heartbroken for him if that ever happened in real life. I’m not saying that it would or it could, but the enemy is tricky. It didn’t take long for him to deceive Eve, did it? It was just a dream but dear Lord, that scared me.

There was such a word spoken today in church. And it was just. What. I needed. To hear. The Holy Spirit of the true and living God was in that place and He was speaking directly through my pastor. The message was clearly spoken on one topic but applied to a variety of things (because the Holy Spirit is good like that). For me, it spoke a word so clear, I couldn’t deny it if I tried. So I leave church in peace, a little worried about what would happen tonight once I’m on my own, alone with my thoughts, and start thinking to myself, but I’m alright. I come home, talk with my sisters, take a nap and bam. That happens. You know, the enemy came after Job time and time again and look at him. He died living a full, prosperous life, trusting in, praising, and loving God until the sweet end, surrounded by his family, just like he wanted. If you don’t know the book of Job, Job went through some STUFF. Children dead, animals dead, body destroyed, bad wife, not-so-good-with-words friends… Job went through some things. But in the end, in the middle, and in the beginning, God received all the glory and Job is known for his patience, of all things (a fruit of the spirit- we ALL need more patience), and his love for God despite everything that was thrown at him. Job had EVERYTHING taken away but still he said in Job 1:21, “…the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” (KJV) No matter what, Job pressed forth and trusted in God. Job was destined for greatness. I mean, he has a whole book about him in the Bible! The enemy comes after those that he knows are going after God or giving their all to God or who have greatness coming through God. And God allows it. He allows it because, and this is all Jermane’s thinking, He knows it will strengthen them and give Him all the glory. What could be better? So attack, devil. I mean, you can’t do anything without God’s permission, but if God allows it, go ahead. Estoy en la presencia de Dios Poderoso y Él exige santidad. No puedes estar en Su gran presencia porque no tienes santidad. Eres llenar de mentira. Esa no es santidad. Vayase, enemigo! No eres bienvenidos en este lugar. Quiero Cristo y sólo Cristo. Has sido derrotado. Puedes intentar, pero fallarás. De hecho, ya has perdido. En Cristo, hay VICTORIA! Alaba Dios!