Nobody Wants A Good Girl

I went to the mall with my brother today and I saw breasts, legs, stomachs, breasts, and behinds. I also saw some freshman-looking boys take off and lift up their shirts while hitting on these random girls then tried to show off by doing push-ups then got made fun of because some other guys started doing push-ups and taking their shirts off as well. But anyway…

I’ll see girls everywhere getting all this crazy attention. Girls who dress provocatively, girls who wear close to nothing, girls who drink, girls who smoke, girls who swear, girls who party, girls who cover themselves with make-up, girls who willingly expose themselves, girls who are inappropriate, girls seeking attention… Some days I say to myself, “I don’t do anything!” None of that. None of that. It didn’t always make sense in my mind as to why anyone would want a girl to be theirs who is like that, to any degree. I’m not talking about attention as in compliments and getting hit on. Guys just do that to try to butter you up so they can get what they want because you look easy, to put it plainly.

I realized very recently that the world doesn’t want the good girls. Not at ALL. The world doesn’t want the girls who don’t kiss or touch or have sex or drink or smoke or show themselves off. However, if they do, it’s to be the first one to take away some of their innocence. That’s what the world wants.

A while ago this guy that I liked when I was 15/16 and I came in contact with one another. We started talking and everything was fine, you know… then he asked me to send him a picture of myself. On the FIRST day we started talking. Yeah. I know. But whatever, I ignored it and got over it. But then he just… he told me that we were going to hang out and he wanted me to at least be “willing” to… do him a favor. Gross Out City, I know. Eventually, after my repeated times of saying, “No” and after finally having to tell him that I was not going to be alone with him, especially in a bedroom because I don’t think it’s ladylike, he got upset and said that there “really must be something wrong with” me. Yupp.

So nope! The world doesn’t want girls like us. Who needs good girls when there are “bad” girls everywhere giving the world what they want? But you know what I say? I say, save the good girls- the ladies for the good guys- the gentlemen. That’s what I want! Isn’t that what you want? (Nod “yes.”) Okay, great! I thought so! I’d much rather wait patiently for a gentleman than quickly get some… guy who isn’t even interested in getting to know who I am. Who sees past the fact that I am, as we all should be, a “good” girl.

Initial Release

This is from January 23, 2013.

Keep in mind that this is a rant. A non-grammar-checked or spell-checked rant.

I get so frustrated sometimes thinking about things that have happened before… I am over it and all is forgiven but sometimes the memories just come out of nowhere. Then my mind likes to play tricks on me. Making me think that this would happen or that could’ve happened. It’s terrible. And all I can do is think about it until it goes away or try really hard to focus my mind on something else. I don’t know why I put up with everything he said to me, everything he did to me. It was my own fault for continuously opening that door. I shouldn’t have. But that was “love.” He loved me and cared for me like no one else ever could or wanted to. He made sure I was always taken care of. How could I ask for anything more than that? So when he wanted something or demanded something, it was hard to say, “No.” And even when I did, it never really mattered, did it? No… it didn’t. He was the man, I was the woman, and I’d better have listened to everything he said and I better have done everything exactly the way he told me to. I couldn’t do anything wrong. I couldn’t make him mad. I couldn’t resist him. I couldn’t push him away. Even when I tried my hardest, it’s like he took all the strength away from me. I’d plead with him and try to get away but I couldn’t. He had me. How could someone tell you they care for you when they completely disrespect you? He could’ve bought me a house, a new car, and a diamond ring but to disrespect me? That’s no form of “love.” And I don’t know why I didn’t see it. “Distance makes us wise.” So when I did realize it and when I actually got the respect I deserved, I couldn’t handle it. I still can’t handle it. I am still waiting for the day when I realize that the wool has been over my eyes this entire time. But it’s not like that. I know it’s not like that. But I’m not sure how to handle the most perfect situation I have ever been put in. Especially when memories from before decide to creep in and especially when I am waiting for the day where I am re-convinced that every male in this world thinks the same things, says the same things, and lacks respect and consideration for females. But it’s not true. I know it’s not true. It can’t be true- are you kidding me? The way I’ve been feeling lately has been an all-time high and I can’t even begin to describe it. I just hope that all this goodness will one day drown out all of the madness from before. It’s not fair that I can’t be completely happy and focused. “Back then” just needs to die already.