No, no, no, no, noooo!

What. Is. WRONG with me?!

This rollercoaster of emotions seems to be never-ending. I feel like a terrible person for thinking these thoughts and desiring these things… but I can’t help it.

Why why WHY, no matter how long it’s been, do I always end up here? How in the world do I always feel so “good” and “free” and just full of all this joy but then I ALWAYS find myself here again?

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. I hate to be complaining but I did not ask for this.

I’m happy. I am so happy… So why do I feel so sad?

It’s okay to feel.

It seems very easy to beat ourselves up for simply being what we are: human. Why is it easy to feel bad for feeling? God allowed us to feel. He gave us emotions for a reason. So when we feel them, it’s okay. It’s okay to be human. It’s okay to feel sad or to be upset or to have the desire to be selfish or to think about yourself or to feel overwhelmed or to cry or to hurt. It’s okay. Why is it, then, so hard sometimes to accept the fact that we do indeed feel and that it is okay? Don’t beat yourself up. Feel.

I Understand.

To A Reader,

I know how you feel.

It’s easy to be a human and to want someone to “complete” you. But it’s hard to be a Christian, sometimes, and admit that you desire someone special in your life.

It’s easy to be a human and want to feel wanted. But it’s hard to be a Christian and confess that you are not fully content, sometimes.

It’s easy to be a human and have the desire to serve and to love. But it’s hard to be a Christian and tell the LORD that you want a physical presence, not just a spiritual. Sometimes.

It’s easy to be a human and yearn to be loved. But it’s hard to be a Christian and say that you know Jesus loves you, but Jesus loves everybody, and you want someone who loves you and only you.

It’s hard. I understand. And you’re never the only one.


It’s Not About YOU.

We’ve become so used to agreeing with everyone and keeping everyone satisfied. We try to keep Christianity happy and pleasing all the time. If you want to be a Christian, be prepared to get people angry, to have people disagree with you, even your own brothers and sisters. Christianity is the belief in God (and Jesus, the Son of God and the Messiah, and the Holy Spirit, the One sent by God after the death of Jesus). God is all love, yes, but that is not all that God is and the Bible says so. God is a jealous God. God experiences sadness. God’s anger blazes like fire. When God spoke to His people, He wasn’t stating everything that they should do, trying to persuade them to do the right thing. No, he told them what they should do and what they should not do and Christ did that as well. We’ve become so used to avoiding disagreements and discomfort but that’s what this is all about. You’ll never make anyone happy in this life and it’s a lot easier to not make anyone happy when you’re a Christian. Be prepared to speak the truth and if the truth upsets a non-believer, then pray for that conviction. If it takes the voice of God to speak to reach believers’ hearts and for them to accept the truth then were they believers in the first place? Look at the Pharisees. They believed in God and followed His Law better than anyone. Of course many of them were corrupted, as we know, but when Jesus came, the way, the TRUTH, and the life, they couldn’t believe in Him because he didn’t meet their needs and it went against their beliefs and their feelings. Jesus made them uncomfortable. Look at the rich man who was true to the Law his whole life but couldn’t let go of his riches. He walked away sad. He couldn’t let go because he found comfort in his riches. Christianity isn’t about what you believe and what you feel. It’s about what the Word of God says and if that makes you mad then you need to die out and give in to the LORD. The day you try to make the Word of God, Christianity, etc. about you, is the day you need to seek repentance.

An Unpleasant Reminder

So yesterday I went to the hang out with my two roommates from the mission trip I went on last summer, and we decided to go to the movies (we saw ‘Identity Theft…’ it is so… oh my goodness… just nope, not for me). Cool, right? Mhm, cool.

Keep in mind, kind reader, that the last time I went to the movies was with- you know… him… My ex-boyfriend (so no one has to scroll through each of my posts to find out who “him” is). But it was fine! I was with two of my girls, one on each side. But as soon as the lights went out, I got so nervous. I started breathing heavily and I was just waiting for someone to pull me close or grab my neck or touch me or kiss me or feel me or something. The whole thing just made me so nervous. After a while, though, I was fine. But then, of course, there was the most disgusting sex scene ever and just that made me uncomfortable (naturally). Blahh! I’m sorry, we’re going to move on. I can’t even think about this anymore because that was just… blasdfaksdlflkasjf blah!!!

So on the ride home… You know when you’re driving home in the car by yourself with slow music playing in the nighttime and you just begin to think about LIFE? Yes well, that’s exactly what happened, readers. That’s exactly what happened. I was thinking about… him. The good “him,” not the not-so-good “him.” Ugh, it’s so aggravating- why do I still think about this child? Anyway, getting off topic… But of course, being me, I was imagining things (good, appropriate things) that might happen the next time we saw each other. And just by the thought of GOOD things, I got so nervous. I know for a fact that I would be repulsively awkward if I was ever alone or out with a guy that I shared positive mutual feelings with. Like beyond awkward. I’d be so nervous and so shy and just terrified! And it’s because, I believe, of an issue with trust. And I hate to be that girl with trust issues but what can you do? But I just don’t know what that guy is going to do. Whoever the guy may be! Jim, Jack, Joe, or Mike, whoever. The second we are alone, the second we are in a car together, he is automatically in control and just because. A guy can do whatever he wants at anytime! He has the strength to. So no matter how sweet and kind and charming and considerate and thoughtful a guy is when we’re apart or around people, the second we’re alone he could be a completely different person. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for years, there are emotions that can lie dormant in a person that could explode at any moment. Or maybe the person always hides them or what have you! I can just never be too sure. Even if it was this guy, who I am so about to post about, my little ol’ self would still be shaking in my boots.

I’m just scared… and everything came back just because I was in a movie theater. Seriously? To even think about the things that happened or the things I’ve done. Goodness gracious. It’s not okay.