It’s not the same.

Are you ever really healed?

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever healed?

Yes.

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever the same?

No.

Simple reminiscent thoughts could come to mind and all of a sudden you’re that scared girl again: anxious about what’s to happen, nervous as anything, using your arms and legs to cover your exposed self, and frozen with fear. You go back to remembering that just before this very encounter you were feeling confident and strong. But now, it seems as if all of that has gone out the window.

I remember I did feel very confident once. Yes, I remember. He came to see me and I felt so strong, knowing… thinking that I would have the upper hand and wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to. But the moment he got close to me, the moment he started speaking to me with that voice in that way, the moment he touched me, the second he gripped my neck, it was all gone. It was like I hadn’t even had it in the first place.

Something tiny, something so small that I can’t even remember, was all it took to be back there. To be nervous and scared and inferior and without all power. There is pleasure in it, but only because it’s the only time in the world I feel wanted. But that’s not what I want.

Coming Home

This must just be a thing now.

Whenever I come home, I learn something new about myself. Something that needs to be stripped away and that I need to get rid of.

I catch myself always saying that “I don’t like guys.” Literally, it’s said all the time and I never knew out why. Until the LORD brought it to my realization. Praise God because that one really made no sense. So…

…I realized tonight on my ride home (you know when you’re driving home late at night and you just start thinking about life?) that it is not that I dislike “guys.” It’s that I’m afraid. When it came to teenagers (when I was one) and young men, saying, “No” became a constant thing that either didn’t matter or rarely changed anything. And when I said, “Yes,” I soon realized that it was all for nothing and found myself left even more broken than before.

So I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what a man can do to me physically and emotionally. It’s not like every man in the world has done something to me, but it’d be nice to meet someone who can show that not every man in the world will hurt you.