Lust, in my opinion, is the worst thing in this entire world. The flesh is just terrible. I cannot stand my flesh. It is true: the spirit and the flesh are constantly in a battle with each other. You think you want something… but then you realize you want no part of it, and when you realize it, it’s too late.
No worries, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not doing anything. I just hate the thoughts in my head sometimes. This flesh is a terrible thing.
That would be nice… Something gentle to erase all of the rough times, the aggressive memories, the violent moments.
It hurts. I can’t take having to stop everything I am doing all the time because I can’t focus due to every thought that finds its way back into my mind. But now, lately, my mind has changed it up. It brings to me things that WOULD happen had I not left. How my future would have or could have been. It’s not pretty. The pain I would have been in, the inescapable situation I would have left myself in… it’s hard to explain.
But these thoughts lead me to wanting something. Someone. I hate it. Knowing that my flesh longs for someone upsets me. But this someone… whoever he is… is already so amazing. This someone is the one who would touch me tenderly, caress me gently, hold me tightly. Tight enough to feel protected but loose enough to not feel owned.
Yes, this someone is amazing. This someone kisses me passionately and has nothing by deep, true, affectionate, doting love for me. This person
This person doesn’t exist. It pains me to think about it. I don’t want to want anyone… but I can’t help it.
I go back and forth in my mind between feeling a deep longing to feeling so angry at myself. I want someone to take everything away from my memory but how could I ever want someone to do that for me? All I have to do is pray. Yes, I’ve been praying and yes, time has healed me but the memories are still here and new, fictional ones are forming. It’s not fair.
God has always been enough for me. But my flesh is just doing its thing. It wants someone. My flesh doesn’t want to be alone anymore. It misses having someone and being someone’s.
“This person:” I don’t know who you are but I want you. Erase all your bad connotations of “want,” because THAT is not what I want. All I want is you.
This semester is trying to kill me. On my first day of english, I found out that we were reading “Little Red Riding Hood.” Fine by me, right? However, we were reading the original version, written in 1697 (along with other 17th century versions). It is all about sex. And staying away from “wolves” that cause trouble, but this trouble is being “eaten.” I remember the first day I came to the class, I so desperately wanted to walk out. Things like this make me so mad. But praise the Lord, we are finally done with that story.
But now, oh NOW, in my other english class, we are discussing slavery. When you are discussing slavery, the terms “slave” and “master” get thrown around a lot. I don’t like that… Not to mention, one of the books we are discussing deals with a master trying to get his female slave to submit sexually to him. I hate this so much. I have been trying to work on an essay for this class and for about the past hour and I have not been able to focus because of this. It makes me think about everything… I hate it so much.
During times like this, I really have to lean on the Lord. My flesh so deeply desires to have a male to run and talk to for the physical support and comfort, but I know that’s not what I need. I need to run to God and pour out everything to Him. He is the only one Who can bring healing: mind, body, and spirit. God, I need You… Te necesito otra vez. Sometimes I wish I could fall asleep, wake up in Heaven, and just be there, lying in Jesus’ arms. Oh, how wonderful would that be! Nothing could ever bother me after an encounter like that. I know I have to trust in the Lord and really study His Word but of course, I’m at war. My spirit says to go to the Lord. He is my strength and my Strong Tower. My flesh says to go talk to someone. Someone who can make me “feel better.” Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with going to a man or woman of God for help. Goodness gracious, I don’t know where I would be without some of the lovely ladies I go to. But something’s telling me to go back to someone who will give me the same temporary satisfaction that requires a daily fill-up. No. Absolutely not. Seriously, ew. But something inside me wishes that there was a male that I could talk to. Someone who knows what respect is, gives it, deserves it, and knows that I do too. But I can’t tell if that’s selfish or not. I can’t tell if that’s my own fleshly desire or if that really should be my go-to for godly counsel. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter anyway, I guess.
Leaning on the Lord. I can’t let this attack take me.