“Over it.”

I keep finding myself saying that I forgive you, but I don’t. I’ve realized that I always move on from things and stop thinking about them… but of course they always catch up with me. I think I forgive you, then I’m mad at you all over again.

The truth is, I don’t know how to forgive. I say someone or something is forgiven but really, I believe, I just push it out of my mind so I don’t think about it and so I don’t hurt from it. Maybe that’s it. I just don’t want to feel pain (like everyone else in the world, right?). Well, I don’t want to have to go through and truly heal from something that pained me. I’d much rather just forget it ever happen then move on, but everything will catch up with you in the long run. Feelings, mistakes, grudges… I want to forgive him but I don’t know how. And I don’t want to put the blame on him or anyone but it is because of that very situation that I have no idea of how I am going to trust a male who seems interested in me. How do I know he’s not going to end up being a jerk? How do I know he’s not going to try to take advantage of me, physically or emotionally? How do I know he’s not just going to walk away from the whole thing, no words said…? It’s like there is cynicism rising up within me whenever a guy says, “Hello.” Like I said, I want to forgive him, but I don’t know how. God, please help me.