Heaven

So someone commented on my “Sex Dreams” post about keeping a Bible underneath my pillow at night. I’ve been doing it for weeks now. Not everyday, but I do when I remember. Well, here’s some background: for a while in January I was having dreams about sex frequently and it wasn’t okay. At all. Obviously… well, someone told me to keep a Bible underneath my pillow and honestly, I haven’t had one of those dreams since. Wait, no. Yes, I have. Though I can’t remember if my Bible was under my pillow or not. I don’t think so. Well, anyway. I haven’t had one, besides that one until…

Until the other night when I was tired and being lazy and didn’t feel like moving to put the Bible underneath. “It’s whatever!” “No big deal!” Right? Wrong. That night, for the first time Lord knows when, I had a dream about sex and when I realized it, I was so grossed out. But thankfully, I can’t remember what happened in the dream! 😀 So the next night, I was not going to let that happen again. I kept my Bible with me and that night I had a dream about… Heaven! Yes, I did! The only reason I knew I was in Heaven, though, was because I said it or someone said it… I don’t remember, haha. But I was there!

So here’s what happened: I got to Heaven, nothing fancy or white or crazy colorful… it was actually outside of my job, which is a college campus and very far from Heaven. Well, I got there and someone had to check and see if I could come in. A guy said, “Hold on, let me check and see… Okay, you’re good,” or something like that. Either way, yay! 🙂 My best friend was also there! It was different… we had to go through all these stages to get somewhere. I’m not sure where we were going but we were in Heaven the whole time (and I believe we were no longer outside of my job). It seemed like only a few minutes had passed by but in reality, about every five minutes that went by were equal to an entire day on earth. Isn’t that crazy?

It was different than any other dream I’ve had relating to Heaven, and I’ve had a few… I should share! I will one of these days. 🙂

Until then y’all. ♥

First Kiss

So I was thinking about it and… my first kiss was disgusting. Hahaha, I literally did NOT want to kiss anyone again and did not understand why anyone did it in the first place. I came home and washed my mouth out! (I was 14.)

So I want to know about yours! 🙂

 

By the way, I looked at my stats and thank you so much to anyone who has been reading or visiting my blog since I took my sorta-kinda-hiatus. My last final is on May 10th! So the writing will return soon after I get more than 6 hours of sleep. 🙂 Muchisimas gracias!

Nobody Wants A Good Girl

I went to the mall with my brother today and I saw breasts, legs, stomachs, breasts, and behinds. I also saw some freshman-looking boys take off and lift up their shirts while hitting on these random girls then tried to show off by doing push-ups then got made fun of because some other guys started doing push-ups and taking their shirts off as well. But anyway…

I’ll see girls everywhere getting all this crazy attention. Girls who dress provocatively, girls who wear close to nothing, girls who drink, girls who smoke, girls who swear, girls who party, girls who cover themselves with make-up, girls who willingly expose themselves, girls who are inappropriate, girls seeking attention… Some days I say to myself, “I don’t do anything!” None of that. None of that. It didn’t always make sense in my mind as to why anyone would want a girl to be theirs who is like that, to any degree. I’m not talking about attention as in compliments and getting hit on. Guys just do that to try to butter you up so they can get what they want because you look easy, to put it plainly.

I realized very recently that the world doesn’t want the good girls. Not at ALL. The world doesn’t want the girls who don’t kiss or touch or have sex or drink or smoke or show themselves off. However, if they do, it’s to be the first one to take away some of their innocence. That’s what the world wants.

A while ago this guy that I liked when I was 15/16 and I came in contact with one another. We started talking and everything was fine, you know… then he asked me to send him a picture of myself. On the FIRST day we started talking. Yeah. I know. But whatever, I ignored it and got over it. But then he just… he told me that we were going to hang out and he wanted me to at least be “willing” to… do him a favor. Gross Out City, I know. Eventually, after my repeated times of saying, “No” and after finally having to tell him that I was not going to be alone with him, especially in a bedroom because I don’t think it’s ladylike, he got upset and said that there “really must be something wrong with” me. Yupp.

So nope! The world doesn’t want girls like us. Who needs good girls when there are “bad” girls everywhere giving the world what they want? But you know what I say? I say, save the good girls- the ladies for the good guys- the gentlemen. That’s what I want! Isn’t that what you want? (Nod “yes.”) Okay, great! I thought so! I’d much rather wait patiently for a gentleman than quickly get some… guy who isn’t even interested in getting to know who I am. Who sees past the fact that I am, as we all should be, a “good” girl.

An Unpleasant Reminder

So yesterday I went to the hang out with my two roommates from the mission trip I went on last summer, and we decided to go to the movies (we saw ‘Identity Theft…’ it is so… oh my goodness… just nope, not for me). Cool, right? Mhm, cool.

Keep in mind, kind reader, that the last time I went to the movies was with- you know… him… My ex-boyfriend (so no one has to scroll through each of my posts to find out who “him” is). But it was fine! I was with two of my girls, one on each side. But as soon as the lights went out, I got so nervous. I started breathing heavily and I was just waiting for someone to pull me close or grab my neck or touch me or kiss me or feel me or something. The whole thing just made me so nervous. After a while, though, I was fine. But then, of course, there was the most disgusting sex scene ever and just that made me uncomfortable (naturally). Blahh! I’m sorry, we’re going to move on. I can’t even think about this anymore because that was just… blasdfaksdlflkasjf blah!!!

So on the ride home… You know when you’re driving home in the car by yourself with slow music playing in the nighttime and you just begin to think about LIFE? Yes well, that’s exactly what happened, readers. That’s exactly what happened. I was thinking about… him. The good “him,” not the not-so-good “him.” Ugh, it’s so aggravating- why do I still think about this child? Anyway, getting off topic… But of course, being me, I was imagining things (good, appropriate things) that might happen the next time we saw each other. And just by the thought of GOOD things, I got so nervous. I know for a fact that I would be repulsively awkward if I was ever alone or out with a guy that I shared positive mutual feelings with. Like beyond awkward. I’d be so nervous and so shy and just terrified! And it’s because, I believe, of an issue with trust. And I hate to be that girl with trust issues but what can you do? But I just don’t know what that guy is going to do. Whoever the guy may be! Jim, Jack, Joe, or Mike, whoever. The second we are alone, the second we are in a car together, he is automatically in control and just because. A guy can do whatever he wants at anytime! He has the strength to. So no matter how sweet and kind and charming and considerate and thoughtful a guy is when we’re apart or around people, the second we’re alone he could be a completely different person. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for years, there are emotions that can lie dormant in a person that could explode at any moment. Or maybe the person always hides them or what have you! I can just never be too sure. Even if it was this guy, who I am so about to post about, my little ol’ self would still be shaking in my boots.

I’m just scared… and everything came back just because I was in a movie theater. Seriously? To even think about the things that happened or the things I’ve done. Goodness gracious. It’s not okay.

Sex Dreams

Yeah, it’s what you think it is.

This is pretty embarrassing, but I had to write my thoughts down. Since the start of the year, I cannot stop dreaming about sex. I really feel it’s because I vowed to myself to not do a THING until I’m married and not until I meet the one that I know that I know that I know I will marry (this is only kissing). But it’s so weird because I’ve made a promise somewhat like this to myself before. I don’t know…

But seriously though, it’s disturbing. You know when you have a dream and you don’t realize you had that dream until later? Like when you’re brushing your teeth (it’s almost always when I’m brushing my teeth), for instance? I’ll be standing there en el baño and next thing you know, my eyes get HUGE, my hand stops moving, and my body is completely still. Like what… in… the world. And mind you, I am NOT wanting sex, I am not hormonal (well, sometimes I am but that comes with being a girl and all I want is food), I am in no way tempted, I am not ever “in the mood,” like nothing. And my dreams are rather… explicit. I just don’t understand where they are coming from. They are gross and disturbing and just interrupting. I’m all happy-happy-joy-joy and then I remember what I dreamt last night. I don’t know why and I don’t know how but why am I having these dreams…?

Sometimes I think it’s just the enemy trying to get to me, but then again I don’t know. But then again, what else could it be? Dreams like this can’t be from God! Right? Ugh, it’s just so confusing… I can’t remember the last time I had a pleasant dream. Well, I can. ^_^ But it was stuck in between these gross dreams, and it was very short. But oh, oh so sweet… ahh. ^_^ Haha… but anyway, yes. This needs to stop.