Christian and Gay

I never understood homosexuality. For me, I was Paul, persecuting those who identified as “gay” or “lesbian.” I was never one to protest, tell people they’re going to hell, that God hates them, etc. I just didn’t understand how the two could mix: Christianity and homosexuality.

If you’re gay, okay. Live your life however you want. I’m not going to be angry with or oppose you.

But in terms of Christianity? It’s an abomination. It says so in our Bible. So why is it even a topic of conversation at churches and Christian schools, like mine?

I never believed that people “couldn’t help it” or were “born this way.” Not until…

…not until about two weeks ago. I made a new friend. She is gay. She is Christian. She loves God but finds herself attracted to girls. She told me that if she could “turn it off,” she would because it would make her life so much easier… but she can’t.

She’s prayed about it, she’s been prayed over, she’s spoken to her pastor, she’s met with a Christian counselor, and… nothing.

Life didn’t make sense for the longest when she told me her story. I was so confused. I still am.

What’s even more confusing? She likes me… And you know what’s crazy?

I like her too.

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No, no, no, no, noooo!

What. Is. WRONG with me?!

This rollercoaster of emotions seems to be never-ending. I feel like a terrible person for thinking these thoughts and desiring these things… but I can’t help it.

Why why WHY, no matter how long it’s been, do I always end up here? How in the world do I always feel so “good” and “free” and just full of all this joy but then I ALWAYS find myself here again?

It’s not fair. It’s not fair at all. I hate to be complaining but I did not ask for this.

I’m happy. I am so happy… So why do I feel so sad?

I Am A Murderer.

1 John 3:15, NLT: “Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.”

I want to so badly say that I hate him. I want to so badly.

I want to forgive him. I want to be able to say that I forgive him and mean it. But I can’t.

I just want him to apologize. Who with a heart leads someone on to something that they have always wanted then drops off the face of the earth like nothing has happened?

I’m over it. I’m over him. But I am not over what happened… All these months later, it still hurts and I don’t know why.

It’s alright though. What doesn’t kill you…

I don’t want to be a murderer. I don’t want to have hardness in my heart. I don’t want to have bad thoughts of someone the second I hear the name or see someone who looks like him, but it’s so, so hard.

I just want to be completely over this heartache.

Why can’t I be completely over this heartache..?

An Unpleasant Reminder

So yesterday I went to the hang out with my two roommates from the mission trip I went on last summer, and we decided to go to the movies (we saw ‘Identity Theft…’ it is so… oh my goodness… just nope, not for me). Cool, right? Mhm, cool.

Keep in mind, kind reader, that the last time I went to the movies was with- you know… him… My ex-boyfriend (so no one has to scroll through each of my posts to find out who “him” is). But it was fine! I was with two of my girls, one on each side. But as soon as the lights went out, I got so nervous. I started breathing heavily and I was just waiting for someone to pull me close or grab my neck or touch me or kiss me or feel me or something. The whole thing just made me so nervous. After a while, though, I was fine. But then, of course, there was the most disgusting sex scene ever and just that made me uncomfortable (naturally). Blahh! I’m sorry, we’re going to move on. I can’t even think about this anymore because that was just… blasdfaksdlflkasjf blah!!!

So on the ride home… You know when you’re driving home in the car by yourself with slow music playing in the nighttime and you just begin to think about LIFE? Yes well, that’s exactly what happened, readers. That’s exactly what happened. I was thinking about… him. The good “him,” not the not-so-good “him.” Ugh, it’s so aggravating- why do I still think about this child? Anyway, getting off topic… But of course, being me, I was imagining things (good, appropriate things) that might happen the next time we saw each other. And just by the thought of GOOD things, I got so nervous. I know for a fact that I would be repulsively awkward if I was ever alone or out with a guy that I shared positive mutual feelings with. Like beyond awkward. I’d be so nervous and so shy and just terrified! And it’s because, I believe, of an issue with trust. And I hate to be that girl with trust issues but what can you do? But I just don’t know what that guy is going to do. Whoever the guy may be! Jim, Jack, Joe, or Mike, whoever. The second we are alone, the second we are in a car together, he is automatically in control and just because. A guy can do whatever he wants at anytime! He has the strength to. So no matter how sweet and kind and charming and considerate and thoughtful a guy is when we’re apart or around people, the second we’re alone he could be a completely different person. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for years, there are emotions that can lie dormant in a person that could explode at any moment. Or maybe the person always hides them or what have you! I can just never be too sure. Even if it was this guy, who I am so about to post about, my little ol’ self would still be shaking in my boots.

I’m just scared… and everything came back just because I was in a movie theater. Seriously? To even think about the things that happened or the things I’ve done. Goodness gracious. It’s not okay.