It’s not the same.

Are you ever really healed?

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever healed?

Yes.

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever the same?

No.

Simple reminiscent thoughts could come to mind and all of a sudden you’re that scared girl again: anxious about what’s to happen, nervous as anything, using your arms and legs to cover your exposed self, and frozen with fear. You go back to remembering that just before this very encounter you were feeling confident and strong. But now, it seems as if all of that has gone out the window.

I remember I did feel very confident once. Yes, I remember. He came to see me and I felt so strong, knowing… thinking that I would have the upper hand and wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to. But the moment he got close to me, the moment he started speaking to me with that voice in that way, the moment he touched me, the second he gripped my neck, it was all gone. It was like I hadn’t even had it in the first place.

Something tiny, something so small that I can’t even remember, was all it took to be back there. To be nervous and scared and inferior and without all power. There is pleasure in it, but only because it’s the only time in the world I feel wanted. But that’s not what I want.

Do you ever feel like Moses?

Maybe that’s why I love the name Moses so much. Maybe that’s why I could read Exodus everyday. I feel like Moses. Do you ever feel like Moses? Do you ever feel overwhelmed, tormented, anxious, nervous… Unless, of course, Moses didn’t feel that way, but I’m pretty sure he did. Moses, besides Jesus, had to bear the greatest weight of anyone in the entire Bible. He had to lead the complaining, adulterous, murmuring, plotting-to-murder-ing, stubborn Israelites out of Egypt into The Promised Land. He even had to deal with them for forty extra years in the wilderness! Of course I’m not doing anything close to that but I had to leave what I knew, through protest after protest, trial after trial, heartache after heartache, to lead myself and another into our “Promise Lands.”

I honestly feel so humbled. I won’t go into detail as to stay “humble” and not make it seem like I’m some great person, but I believe with all of my heart that God has chosen me to bear a heavy weight and burden so that someone else doesn’t have to. So that two people don’t have to, actually. I am not promoting myself in any way and all the glory goes to God, but I honestly believe that God chose me to bear this weight because He knew I could handle it and that it would make me stronger. Things make so much sense and they are unraveling more and more. And I’ve realized, or am starting to realize, a glimpse of what God’s plan is. I understand why He put in my heart what He did those two years ago. I understand why time after time, I couldn’t go back to what I knew (for the most part). I understand that I’m hurting so two other people don’t have to. Again, I don’t want to sound high-and-mighty. All this glory is going to God. He did this. He did all of this and I praise Him and thank Him for it because I feel so blessed and humbled and loved. God does not put those who are not His children through the fire. He corrects those whom He loves:

5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the LORD,
nor be weary when reproved by Him.
6 For the LORD disciplines the one He loves,
and chastises every son whom He receives.”

7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:5-11, ESV

Did Moses hurt? Yes! He even complained to God (for example, Exodus 5:22-23)! But when he complained, he was desiring God to be nearer, as opposed to complaining and straying away (my Old Testament teacher taught us that). So the LORD did just that. Yes, it was still hard for Moses, but Moses was Moses:

6 And He said, “Hear My words: If there is a prophet among you, I the LORD make Myself known to him in a vision; I speak with him in a dream. 7 Not so with My servant Moses. He is faithful in all My house. 8 With him I speak mouth to mouth, clearly, and not in riddles, and he beholds the form of the LORD. Why then were you not afraid to speak against My servant Moses?”

Numbers 12:6-8, ESV (God was directly addressing the murmurings of Aaron and Miriam.)

To bear a weight so great is to draw nearer to God. Draw nigh unto the LORD and He will draw nigh unto you. (James 4:8) So even though I or you or someone you know is going through something crazy that doesn’t seem to make any sense, know that God is leading us all into The Promised Land. O, look forward to The Promised Land.

…But when the LORD says to speak to a rock, speak to it. DON’T strike it twice! You don’t want to have to go to the top of the hill and just look at your Promised Land then have someone else lead everyone there… Ooooh, you’ll have to know the Bible to know that one. Or Exodus, at least. 🙂

God’s got something greater than you can imagine in store for you. And do not be troubled, for He has you in the palm of His hands. Sometimes I like to imagine Jesus holding my hand. You cannot say that doesn’t make things better. ♥

Dominated.

I’ve wanted to write so many times over these past few weeks. Everything I wanted to write about it, though, I felt like everyone was getting tired of it. But then I remembered, “This is my blog!” So here we go…

I’d like to blame it all on myself. I’d like to say that I could have avoided everything.

I’d like to blame it all on my emotions. I’d like to say that I just wasn’t thinking clearly.

But I must say that I don’t think I realized what I was doing… and if I did, I didn’t realize the extent… and oh, if I did, I didn’t realize the cost.

I feel like I’m not myself anymore. Well, I am myself, for sure. But when no one’s looking…? I can’t seem to figure it out.

When a girl has been “taken advantage of,” she has two options:

1.) Become a whore/prostitute.

2.) I can’t remember.

I’d like to think the second one is to stick with what you know. If all you know or if all you remember is someone taking complete control of you, forcing you, fooling you, yet at the same time taking care of you, would you run away? If you found anything else that doesn’t match up to that, you’re bound to be anxious, wondering when it will come, or you’ll find yourself shocked at how much you like something so different. Something that is always nice and always sweet.

However, once that nice sweetness goes away, you wouldn’t find someone who will treat you like that. No… you’d go back to what you know. Why? I don’t know… it’s just all you know to do.

So when you find yourself back to what you know, and you realize that this is not where you want to be, you find it next to impossible to leave. Again, it’s all you know. So when you try, you’re reminded of what IT is that you know. It’s not nice, it’s not sweet, it’s not gentle, it’s not forgiving. It’s hard, it’s intense, it’s rough, and it’s merciless. You are then reminded of your position: powerless, weak, and inferior. You are incapable of doing anything about the situation other than writing about it weeks later just to get a little bit of release. You don’t even know what specifically happened because your mind is not allowing you to remember. You just know what happened. It was almost completely erased from your memory in fear that you may begin to feel some form of anxiety or nervousness when you even think about the fact. Turns out that it’s not what happened that is worrying you, it’s what might happen… with that person or anyone else.

There’s no “proper” way to end this… so this will do.

An Unpleasant Reminder

So yesterday I went to the hang out with my two roommates from the mission trip I went on last summer, and we decided to go to the movies (we saw ‘Identity Theft…’ it is so… oh my goodness… just nope, not for me). Cool, right? Mhm, cool.

Keep in mind, kind reader, that the last time I went to the movies was with- you know… him… My ex-boyfriend (so no one has to scroll through each of my posts to find out who “him” is). But it was fine! I was with two of my girls, one on each side. But as soon as the lights went out, I got so nervous. I started breathing heavily and I was just waiting for someone to pull me close or grab my neck or touch me or kiss me or feel me or something. The whole thing just made me so nervous. After a while, though, I was fine. But then, of course, there was the most disgusting sex scene ever and just that made me uncomfortable (naturally). Blahh! I’m sorry, we’re going to move on. I can’t even think about this anymore because that was just… blasdfaksdlflkasjf blah!!!

So on the ride home… You know when you’re driving home in the car by yourself with slow music playing in the nighttime and you just begin to think about LIFE? Yes well, that’s exactly what happened, readers. That’s exactly what happened. I was thinking about… him. The good “him,” not the not-so-good “him.” Ugh, it’s so aggravating- why do I still think about this child? Anyway, getting off topic… But of course, being me, I was imagining things (good, appropriate things) that might happen the next time we saw each other. And just by the thought of GOOD things, I got so nervous. I know for a fact that I would be repulsively awkward if I was ever alone or out with a guy that I shared positive mutual feelings with. Like beyond awkward. I’d be so nervous and so shy and just terrified! And it’s because, I believe, of an issue with trust. And I hate to be that girl with trust issues but what can you do? But I just don’t know what that guy is going to do. Whoever the guy may be! Jim, Jack, Joe, or Mike, whoever. The second we are alone, the second we are in a car together, he is automatically in control and just because. A guy can do whatever he wants at anytime! He has the strength to. So no matter how sweet and kind and charming and considerate and thoughtful a guy is when we’re apart or around people, the second we’re alone he could be a completely different person. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for years, there are emotions that can lie dormant in a person that could explode at any moment. Or maybe the person always hides them or what have you! I can just never be too sure. Even if it was this guy, who I am so about to post about, my little ol’ self would still be shaking in my boots.

I’m just scared… and everything came back just because I was in a movie theater. Seriously? To even think about the things that happened or the things I’ve done. Goodness gracious. It’s not okay.