Christian and Gay

I never understood homosexuality. For me, I was Paul, persecuting those who identified as “gay” or “lesbian.” I was never one to protest, tell people they’re going to hell, that God hates them, etc. I just didn’t understand how the two could mix: Christianity and homosexuality.

If you’re gay, okay. Live your life however you want. I’m not going to be angry with or oppose you.

But in terms of Christianity? It’s an abomination. It says so in our Bible. So why is it even a topic of conversation at churches and Christian schools, like mine?

I never believed that people “couldn’t help it” or were “born this way.” Not until…

…not until about two weeks ago. I made a new friend. She is gay. She is Christian. She loves God but finds herself attracted to girls. She told me that if she could “turn it off,” she would because it would make her life so much easier… but she can’t.

She’s prayed about it, she’s been prayed over, she’s spoken to her pastor, she’s met with a Christian counselor, and… nothing.

Life didn’t make sense for the longest when she told me her story. I was so confused. I still am.

What’s even more confusing? She likes me… And you know what’s crazy?

I like her too.

The worst… but only because of the best.

I just had the worst series of dreams anyone could ever have.

I dreamt of frogs. Lots and lots of frogs. Towards the end, BIG frogs. Closer towards the end, a frog was thrown at me (but I killed that bad boy). There was still green and slime left on my hand, but it all symbolizes something, I think. And I’m about to get real spiritual so get ready. In the spiritual world where there is spiritual warfare, there are different types of angels and different types of demons. One demon that loves me ever so much is the spirit of lust. That spirit takes the form of, none other than, a frog. How do I know this? Church, testimonies, research. I detest frogs. Yes, God created them but ever since I found that out, in my eyes, they are unclean, nasty, little animals. Bleh!!! And the frogs in my dream (two of them) were HUGE! And they had a baby! The others were regular-sized but why in the world am I dreaming of frogs and lots of them? Oh and how the last one was thrown at me… I see that symbolized as lust because I don’t struggle with it right now, but if I have ever struggled with sin, that sin is lust. I killed the frog symbolizing that I killed that within me and that spirit is gone and has left me. I have no desire to have sex with anyone, I have no desire to masturbate, I have no desire to watch pornography- nothing. None. But that green and slime still left on my hand, to me, symbolizes that even though I killed it, a little it still remains. I am looking at the dead frog now but when I look at myself, it’s still in me, or “on” me, speaking in terms of the dream. It was a reminder of my sin… For instance, in real life, I couldn’t be alone with my ex-boyfriend because I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t kiss him because I couldn’t trust myself. I couldn’t click on certain things online or on my phone because sometimes because I can’t trust myself. The spirit has left me but one thing about the devil (and God) is that he will always take you back. But like the Bible says in Matthew 5:30, “And if your hand–even your stronger hand–causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (NLT) It was SO symbolic in the dream and I believe the residue was left on my right hand (my stronger hand). It was on no other part of my body but that and believe you me, I would have cut that thing off, thrown it away, and looked forward to my new right hand, left hand, feet, arms, legs- BODY in Heaven! A hand is a hand. Doesn’t mean anything to me!

That same part had my sisters. Oddly enough, they were the ones throwing the frogs! It was a joke to them, but not to me. It makes sense though. Earlier today, my three younger sisters and I were in the twins’ room (two of my younger sisters) and were talking about random things. Then we began talking about this rabbit that one of my sisters was able to take home from school some years ago. Mind you, I hate rabbits. I cannot even look at them. So they were joking about how much I didn’t like the thing and how I “acted like [they] brought home a dead squirrel or something.” That rabbit story was real life, so me not liking an animal and having them of all people tease me with that specific one makes perfect sense.

Another part of the dream included another one of my sisters. I was in someone’s garage (I guess it was mine) and one of my younger sisters was on top of a file cabinet or something that fell over. She fell down with it and banged her skull on the cement. She laid there for a few seconds and I yelled and called 911. My mom came (which is strange because I don’t live with my mother) and she was yelling and crying and then 911 asked me some weird question in some foreign language. And then! she got up. She sat up, I hung up, we ran over to her and she said she was fine and was smiling. After lying on the ground completely motionless, the child said she was fine! I looked at her head and she clearly had a crack or wound or whatever it’s called and I told her that she still needed to go to the hospital.

Another part had me randomly on Facebook and stumbling across Mr. Military Man from last year. The one who came and left all within three weeks? Yes, him. He was in Connecticut and someone just had a baby and his sister looked really old and he changed his profile picture to a collage of him when he was 3 or 4 or 5 years-old. I don’t know why I dreamt that. That whole situation is over and, I promise this with my whole heart, I am over it. 🙂

This next part was actually pretty funny. One of the co-leaders in the REACH (Re-Establish And CHange) Drama Outreach Ministry that I’m in at Gordon was in Connecticut for some reason at Quinnipiac (the school that I transferred from). He lives in… where does he live? I don’t know, but not in Connecticut! He was stuck at Quinnipiac and I said I was able to give him a ride home since Quinnipiac, my house, and his house were within like 10 minutes of each other (which is partly true, except the part about his house because he lives in another state). I then realized that I couldn’t drive because of the snow (that came out of NOWHERE, by the way, because it was just a regular rainy not-cold day at first) (I also, in reality, am unable drive in the snow because my car has rear-wheel drive and the last time [and only time] I tried, I swerved off the road while going around a bend and almost into some trees so…) so I had to leave him there and for some reason was unable to tell him that I couldn’t come so he was left waiting. It made me feel so bad! So after I wake up, I tell him that whole part of the dream on his Facebook wall and he says, “It wasn’t a dream. I am in Quinnipiac… you’re not coming?? :(” So I tell him to stop playing around because I actually woke up really confused and worried! I seriously even checked my phone to make sure I wasn’t supposed to be getting him. Then he texts me and says, “You comin’ to get me?” So I tell him he’s the meanest person alive and he thanks me. Then he stopped, thank God. I don’t know if you thought that was funny but I did.

Another part was on a plane. Random people I know (including two people who graduated from my high school the year after me who just got married yesterday who were actually supposed to be on a plane) were there sitting and some (including myself) were dancing and my pastor was recording. Possibly because today’s his birthday? I don’t know but that wasn’t a bad part. That part was just random. However, I did receive a text message or Facebook message or whatever it was during this part though, which led to the worst…

I received a message (strangely while I was messaging him probably telling him that I missed him) from my ex-boyfriend and he sent this long, long message to me. The first thing I saw was a picture of him wearing a new shirt someone got him for Christmas. It was a picture of the whole satanic triangle/eye nonsense. The next picture was of that zoomed in. Someone got him this for Christmas! CHRISTmas! He then told me about this new belief and included all these other pictures and explanations of why the devil is right and somehow, one way or another, God and satan are working together and all this… junk! He was so sold out and so convinced that his new belief was right and it scared the bejeezes out of me, even in the dream! I know it was just a dream but no one else said that to me. It could have been anyone to say that, but it was him. No one else has even said anything relatively close to that to me, even in a dream. And I was still worried after I woke up and found myself in reality because he has different beliefs than me, which is fine, no one in the world will ever completely agree on everything. But some things he’s tried to explain to me, like philosophy, for example, are so worldly. I mean, beyond worldly. I don’t know where he stands now but Paul said in Colossians 2:8, “Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that comes from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.” (NLT) Alright, Paul! Amen and amen. There is nothing truthful in this world or out of this world that does not come from the LORD Himself. Anything else, no matter how smart or intelligent or makes-sensey it sounds, is all from the enemy and it is a lie. But back on topic, I just don’t want him to be deceived. Out of everyone outside of my family, I would be the most heartbroken for him if that ever happened in real life. I’m not saying that it would or it could, but the enemy is tricky. It didn’t take long for him to deceive Eve, did it? It was just a dream but dear Lord, that scared me.

There was such a word spoken today in church. And it was just. What. I needed. To hear. The Holy Spirit of the true and living God was in that place and He was speaking directly through my pastor. The message was clearly spoken on one topic but applied to a variety of things (because the Holy Spirit is good like that). For me, it spoke a word so clear, I couldn’t deny it if I tried. So I leave church in peace, a little worried about what would happen tonight once I’m on my own, alone with my thoughts, and start thinking to myself, but I’m alright. I come home, talk with my sisters, take a nap and bam. That happens. You know, the enemy came after Job time and time again and look at him. He died living a full, prosperous life, trusting in, praising, and loving God until the sweet end, surrounded by his family, just like he wanted. If you don’t know the book of Job, Job went through some STUFF. Children dead, animals dead, body destroyed, bad wife, not-so-good-with-words friends… Job went through some things. But in the end, in the middle, and in the beginning, God received all the glory and Job is known for his patience, of all things (a fruit of the spirit- we ALL need more patience), and his love for God despite everything that was thrown at him. Job had EVERYTHING taken away but still he said in Job 1:21, “…the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” (KJV) No matter what, Job pressed forth and trusted in God. Job was destined for greatness. I mean, he has a whole book about him in the Bible! The enemy comes after those that he knows are going after God or giving their all to God or who have greatness coming through God. And God allows it. He allows it because, and this is all Jermane’s thinking, He knows it will strengthen them and give Him all the glory. What could be better? So attack, devil. I mean, you can’t do anything without God’s permission, but if God allows it, go ahead. Estoy en la presencia de Dios Poderoso y Él exige santidad. No puedes estar en Su gran presencia porque no tienes santidad. Eres llenar de mentira. Esa no es santidad. Vayase, enemigo! No eres bienvenidos en este lugar. Quiero Cristo y sólo Cristo. Has sido derrotado. Puedes intentar, pero fallarás. De hecho, ya has perdido. En Cristo, hay VICTORIA! Alaba Dios!