Things to Remember

1. Remember, child, remember,
That God is in the sky,
That He looks on all we do
With an ever wakeful eye.

2. Remember, oh! remember,
That all the day and night,
He sees our thoughts and actions,
With an ever watchful sight.

3. Remember, child, remember,
That God is good and true;
That He wishes us to be
Like Him in all we do.

4. Remember that He hates
A falsehood or a lie-
Remember, He will punish
The wicked by-and-bye.

5. Remember, oh! remember,
That He is like a friend.
And He wishes us to be
Good, and happy in the end.

6. Remember, child, remember
To pray to Him in Heaven;
And if you have done wrong,
Oh! ask to be forgiven.

7. Be sorry, in your little prayer,
And whisper in His ear;
Ask His forgiveness and His love,
And He will surely hear.

8. Yes, He will hear thee, and forgive
Like a father, good and kind;
So remember, child, remember,
That you love with all your mind-

9. The God, who lives in Heaven,
And gives us each delight,
Who guards us all the day,
And saves us in the night.

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Reminders.

It’s so hard to concentrate when your mind is reminding you about certain things passed. How I felt owned- like my body was owned. I knew my physical body was not my own and if I didn’t feel that then I was soon reminded. Now I feel the need to be all alone and away from everyone so no one can touch me and where my body is my own.. where my body is mine.

A voice that starts as inviting, calming, and soothing, then becomes so demanding and confident that he is in control. Confident that I have no power. Confident that I am weak. And I was. I felt like I had nothing. Like I had no other choice but to listen to him and to do what he said or to suffer the consequences, which I wanted, but not that way.

Then eventually I ran to it. I ran to this dominating force because it made me feel wanted and desired and loved and important. And who doesn’t want that? So I did it to myself, didn’t I? Not long after, I couldn’t help myself. It was either be under the hand of this young man or be completely alone and I chose the former. For a while, though, I did choose to be alone. I thought there was something better coming. Some better things did come, but completely for the worse. They never lasted and the only one that was always there was him. So at times I did go back, with no intention of anything but just to say, “Hello” or to show gratitude. Whatever the reason was, it always ended up the same. With his control, with his dominance, with his strong hands and sweet voice, with my weakness, and with my submission.

Part of me still wants to go back. Sometimes this loneliness just consumes me and it just seems as if I’m wasting time. I could be happy and I could be with someone to take care of me and to care for me. But then my mind allows me to remember only some of what happened and I realize that it clearly is not a good idea.

But I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. It’s been months and years… it’s like my mind just can’t let it go.

Dominated.

I’ve wanted to write so many times over these past few weeks. Everything I wanted to write about it, though, I felt like everyone was getting tired of it. But then I remembered, “This is my blog!” So here we go…

I’d like to blame it all on myself. I’d like to say that I could have avoided everything.

I’d like to blame it all on my emotions. I’d like to say that I just wasn’t thinking clearly.

But I must say that I don’t think I realized what I was doing… and if I did, I didn’t realize the extent… and oh, if I did, I didn’t realize the cost.

I feel like I’m not myself anymore. Well, I am myself, for sure. But when no one’s looking…? I can’t seem to figure it out.

When a girl has been “taken advantage of,” she has two options:

1.) Become a whore/prostitute.

2.) I can’t remember.

I’d like to think the second one is to stick with what you know. If all you know or if all you remember is someone taking complete control of you, forcing you, fooling you, yet at the same time taking care of you, would you run away? If you found anything else that doesn’t match up to that, you’re bound to be anxious, wondering when it will come, or you’ll find yourself shocked at how much you like something so different. Something that is always nice and always sweet.

However, once that nice sweetness goes away, you wouldn’t find someone who will treat you like that. No… you’d go back to what you know. Why? I don’t know… it’s just all you know to do.

So when you find yourself back to what you know, and you realize that this is not where you want to be, you find it next to impossible to leave. Again, it’s all you know. So when you try, you’re reminded of what IT is that you know. It’s not nice, it’s not sweet, it’s not gentle, it’s not forgiving. It’s hard, it’s intense, it’s rough, and it’s merciless. You are then reminded of your position: powerless, weak, and inferior. You are incapable of doing anything about the situation other than writing about it weeks later just to get a little bit of release. You don’t even know what specifically happened because your mind is not allowing you to remember. You just know what happened. It was almost completely erased from your memory in fear that you may begin to feel some form of anxiety or nervousness when you even think about the fact. Turns out that it’s not what happened that is worrying you, it’s what might happen… with that person or anyone else.

There’s no “proper” way to end this… so this will do.

An Unpleasant Reminder

So yesterday I went to the hang out with my two roommates from the mission trip I went on last summer, and we decided to go to the movies (we saw ‘Identity Theft…’ it is so… oh my goodness… just nope, not for me). Cool, right? Mhm, cool.

Keep in mind, kind reader, that the last time I went to the movies was with- you know… him… My ex-boyfriend (so no one has to scroll through each of my posts to find out who “him” is). But it was fine! I was with two of my girls, one on each side. But as soon as the lights went out, I got so nervous. I started breathing heavily and I was just waiting for someone to pull me close or grab my neck or touch me or kiss me or feel me or something. The whole thing just made me so nervous. After a while, though, I was fine. But then, of course, there was the most disgusting sex scene ever and just that made me uncomfortable (naturally). Blahh! I’m sorry, we’re going to move on. I can’t even think about this anymore because that was just… blasdfaksdlflkasjf blah!!!

So on the ride home… You know when you’re driving home in the car by yourself with slow music playing in the nighttime and you just begin to think about LIFE? Yes well, that’s exactly what happened, readers. That’s exactly what happened. I was thinking about… him. The good “him,” not the not-so-good “him.” Ugh, it’s so aggravating- why do I still think about this child? Anyway, getting off topic… But of course, being me, I was imagining things (good, appropriate things) that might happen the next time we saw each other. And just by the thought of GOOD things, I got so nervous. I know for a fact that I would be repulsively awkward if I was ever alone or out with a guy that I shared positive mutual feelings with. Like beyond awkward. I’d be so nervous and so shy and just terrified! And it’s because, I believe, of an issue with trust. And I hate to be that girl with trust issues but what can you do? But I just don’t know what that guy is going to do. Whoever the guy may be! Jim, Jack, Joe, or Mike, whoever. The second we are alone, the second we are in a car together, he is automatically in control and just because. A guy can do whatever he wants at anytime! He has the strength to. So no matter how sweet and kind and charming and considerate and thoughtful a guy is when we’re apart or around people, the second we’re alone he could be a completely different person. It doesn’t matter if I’ve known you for years, there are emotions that can lie dormant in a person that could explode at any moment. Or maybe the person always hides them or what have you! I can just never be too sure. Even if it was this guy, who I am so about to post about, my little ol’ self would still be shaking in my boots.

I’m just scared… and everything came back just because I was in a movie theater. Seriously? To even think about the things that happened or the things I’ve done. Goodness gracious. It’s not okay.