Fear of Sex

I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.

My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.

For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.

Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?

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To all the women,

To all the women: Just because a man likes it, doesn’t mean he respects it. There’s nothing respectable about 1000 likes from a flock of men staring at your butt, breasts, thighs, duck faces and tongue lashes; imagining what they’d do to you in bed. You’re no longer a woman in their eyes, you’re an object, a piece of meat, a vain imagination in the eyes of a luster. You want be sexy and feel beautiful, I get it. But being loved and respected should mean more. Beauty is in modesty and a man won’t love a woman he can’t respect.

A lady never has to tell anyone she’s a lady. Everyone already knows.

Naked

Do you know what it’s like to be completely naked in front of someone? To be completely naked is to be fully clothed but still that person is able to see every last part of you. This is good if it’s your spouse, your best friend, or maybe a sibling… but when it’s someone who no longer holds a “title” in your life, it can be a little scary.

There is someone out there who knows every inch of you, inside and out. There is someone who knows what you like and don’t like, what turns you on and turns you off, what pleases you and what doesn’t. It’s dangerous. It’s dangerous because you could spend years away from that person but the second they they say a word to you, the second they touch you, the second they have you alone, it’s all over. You may be able to lie and deny it, but they are inside you- inside your head. They know everything. They know when you’re lying and when you’re not. They know how to get what they want from you. They know how to have their way with you. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Men and Sex

You know when you have to use the bathroom really badly, you are running to the bathroom and unzipping and pulling down your pants like you’d win a prize for doing it the fastest? Those actions are the same of an aroused man. (I’m sure women are like that as well, but that’s another story.)

No matter how old and no matter what the romantic (or lack there of) situation, I’ve found, men really just love that three-letter word. It’s amazing, of course, but most of the time, it seems like that is all they are after. And when it’s all over, they are either finished with the situation or coming back for more.

That’s what I have found. And I have never felt more objectified in my entire life.

Don’t promise that you’ll stop or go slow or keep things “up to [me]” when you really don’t mean it. Don’t say that you care when you can’t even stop yourself from ripping someone’s clothes off. Don’t say you’re “not like other guys” when you can’t ask me if I want to OR if you do what you want no matter what. Just don’t.

That’s it. I feel like an object. I feel like a pleasure toy. I know I’m not but the way things are going, it’s hard not to feel that way.

It’s not the same.

Are you ever really healed?

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever healed?

Yes.

Once someone uses your body just for his pleasure, are you ever the same?

No.

Simple reminiscent thoughts could come to mind and all of a sudden you’re that scared girl again: anxious about what’s to happen, nervous as anything, using your arms and legs to cover your exposed self, and frozen with fear. You go back to remembering that just before this very encounter you were feeling confident and strong. But now, it seems as if all of that has gone out the window.

I remember I did feel very confident once. Yes, I remember. He came to see me and I felt so strong, knowing… thinking that I would have the upper hand and wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to. But the moment he got close to me, the moment he started speaking to me with that voice in that way, the moment he touched me, the second he gripped my neck, it was all gone. It was like I hadn’t even had it in the first place.

Something tiny, something so small that I can’t even remember, was all it took to be back there. To be nervous and scared and inferior and without all power. There is pleasure in it, but only because it’s the only time in the world I feel wanted. But that’s not what I want.

Lust

Is it still considered lust if thoughts aren’t coming to you voluntarily?

Is it still lust if your desires take you by surprise?

Is it?

My head is filled with so many thoughts right now… and I planned on writing so much more, but I’m a little embarrassed.

I’m embarrassed to want something from someone that’s just.. I don’t know. I don’t even know.

I want it, naturally, but I never think about it. At least not like this. Maybe it’s a once-in-a-while kind of thing?

Lust is a crazy thing. You don’t have to be doing anything or talking to anyone for it to accompany you. It just comes.

There’s been no touch, no laugh, no kiss, no nothing that would spark this.

Well, maybe it’s just that.

• • •

Whew… okay, it’s happening. It is happening.

Well, it’s happened.

I officially cannot think of anything else.

I can’t concentrate. I can’t get this off my mind.

This lust is not mine and I do not want it anymore, so will the owner please take it back? Thank you.

I even dreamt about it.

Last night, I dreamt that for a few moments, I was pleasing myself.

Then I stopped because I knew I shouldn’t have been doing that.

What in the world. I honestly have the most non-existent sex life in any type of way. So why is this happening?

I guess it’s a good thing that there is not even an opportunity for a slip-up.

Because this is one crazy moment of weakness.

Whew… got to shake this off.