I originally wanted to title this, “Fear of Intimacy,” but that’s not what I am afraid of.
My boyfriend and I have been intimate before, though we’ve not had sex. To be honest, the thought of sex excites me and I want it because who wouldn’t? We’re human! That’s the second thing we want after food and water! So intimacy on any level is no problem and the neither is the thought of sex… most of the time.
For years I’ve associated sex with fear and submission… with zero power and no control over anything that happens. This can be exciting for some (if you minus the ‘fear’), but it wasn’t always for me. I was not actively having sex when this fear developed, so I’d take a lot more than I could handle. I’d lay there not knowing when it was going to stop or what would happen next. What made things so confusing, though, was the fact that I did enjoy it, but I didn’t want it. It was what I wanted, but not how or when I wanted it… but that’s another story.
Thinking about sex now frightens me sometimes. So many What if…? questions come to mind that I know will never be of concern, but my mind still asks, What if…? Just because it’s a different person doesn’t mean the same thing can’t happen again. What if?