Something Gentle

That would be nice… Something gentle to erase all of the rough times, the aggressive memories, the violent moments.

It hurts. I can’t take having to stop everything I am doing all the time because I can’t focus due to every thought that finds its way back into my mind. But now, lately, my mind has changed it up. It brings to me things that WOULD happen had I not left. How my future would have or could have been. It’s not pretty. The pain I would have been in, the inescapable situation I would have left myself in… it’s hard to explain.

But these thoughts lead me to wanting something. Someone. I hate it. Knowing that my flesh longs for someone upsets me. But this someone… whoever he is… is already so amazing. This someone is the one who would touch me tenderly, caress me gently, hold me tightly. Tight enough to feel protected but loose enough to not feel owned.

Yes, this someone is amazing. This someone kisses me passionately and has nothing by deep, true, affectionate, doting love for me. This person

This person doesn’t exist. It pains me to think about it. I don’t want to want anyone… but I can’t help it.

I go back and forth in my mind between feeling a deep longing to feeling so angry at myself. I want someone to take everything away from my memory but how could I ever want someone to do that for me? All I have to do is pray. Yes, I’ve been praying and yes, time has healed me but the memories are still here and new, fictional ones are forming. It’s not fair.

God has always been enough for me. But my flesh is just doing its thing. It wants someone. My flesh doesn’t want to be alone anymore. It misses having someone and being someone’s.

This person:” I don’t know who you are but I want you. Erase all your bad connotations of “want,” because THAT is not what I want. All I want is you.

Something Great

I can’t stand living in this house sometimes. Ever since my mother left, there has been SO much put on me. People have even said that I am no one’s wife and no one’s mother so they agree that all the work I have to do and all the responsibilities I have just are not fair. (Had to point that out so you don’t think I’m just complaining. ;)) Don’t get me wrong, I know that slack has to be picked up- the woman of the house left for crying out loud. But I have four sisters and three that live with me (the other has an apartment). I also have a brother, btw, but he does man-stuff. But anyway, I have three younger sisters that do not have a FRACTION of the amount of responsibilities or chores that I had when I was their age. The two older ones will be 17 in July and the youngest just turned 15 today. When I was TEN, ELEVEN, TWELVE at the LATEST, I was making dinner, mopping the floor, helping my mother with laundry, cleaning the entire refrigerator, doing my hair, cleaning the whole bathroom, etc. Like for real?? Seriously?! How is it that my sisters do not know how to properly do laundry, fold, make dinner, mop the floor, etc.? And it is because they are always babied and given help. No, they need to figure it out on their own. Learn by doing! I’m not going to be here forever!

And now that I’ve let out some steam, I should say that I need to be here. With my mother gone, no one else is going to carry the weight. It stinks… but it was going to happen to one of us. I just thank God for the strength. And through all the anger and frustration, I find joy in knowing that one day, this will all be for something! When I have a house of my own or a roommate or a husband or a family, I will easily be able to keep the house in order! I will be able to tolerate nonsense! I will be able to know how to handle any problem that happens in the house! (For the most part anyway.) I saw a picture today that read, “Keep going. Each step may get harder, but don’t stop. The view at the top is beautiful.” Yepp! When I cannot STAND one more second in this house or when I cannot STAND the unfairness that is happening, I know that when it is all over, it will all be worth it because it will be something beautiful! I will make a happy home! 🙂 Yay God! Haha, have to give all the glory to Him. Yesterday, today, and forever. Amen.

Oh, and…


😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

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AMEN!!!!!! AMÉN!!!!!!

I Can’t Help It

Sitting here watching television with my sister… I can’t help it. I can’t wait for my life to unveil. “Veil” being the keyword. I know everything is unraveling, slowly but surely, but I can’t help but look way into the future. And it also makes me wonder (if you haven’t guessed, I am talking about marriage), how could anyone ever abuse their spouse? In whatever way… To mistreat their marriage? I just… I don’t understand. I mean, I get that not every marriage works out. I get that sometimes people realize that they were wrong. I get that not everyone truly knows who they marry. I get that things happen… but, I don’t know. It’s probably just my single 19 year-old ignorant view of it all but I feel that marriage is one of the greatest gifts in the world. It is not to be abused or misused or taken advantage of. If God blesses you with someone who loves you enough to marry you (and let’s hope that is the reason the person is marrying you) then how could you not do everything you do to cherish, love, and hold on to that person and your marriage?

Who knows… haven’t gotten there yet.