Last week was Senior Week at QU and it was madness. They held a concert for the graduating seniors who were 21 and over, so of course, they had lots of alcohol freely flowing about. So I get on Facebook and see this girl from the Christian Fellowship group post a video from the concert dancing and just having a good time. There was nothing in the video showing her drinking or anything but I thought to myself, ‘How can a Christian go to a party like that?‘ I mean, she is a CHRISTIAN, after all.
But then I remembered, “Don’t judge others just because they sin differently than you.” Now, I can neither say that she was or was not “sinning” at the event but personally, I definitely would not want to be caught dancing and partying to worldly music on a college campus during senior week surrounded by tipsy young adults drinking beer and other types of alcohol.
God keeps me humble. Pretty much as soon as I thought that, I remembered my own sin and how I fall short of God’s glory daily. There are things that I do that I know I shouldn’t. There are things that I don’t even realize I’m doing that are indeed sins. So who am I to judge anyone else? Who am I to even think that I can? There is one Judge, and one Judge only. God keeps me humble.
That would be nice… Something gentle to erase all of the rough times, the aggressive memories, the violent moments.
It hurts. I can’t take having to stop everything I am doing all the time because I can’t focus due to every thought that finds its way back into my mind. But now, lately, my mind has changed it up. It brings to me things that WOULD happen had I not left. How my future would have or could have been. It’s not pretty. The pain I would have been in, the inescapable situation I would have left myself in… it’s hard to explain.
But these thoughts lead me to wanting something. Someone. I hate it. Knowing that my flesh longs for someone upsets me. But this someone… whoever he is… is already so amazing. This someone is the one who would touch me tenderly, caress me gently, hold me tightly. Tight enough to feel protected but loose enough to not feel owned.
Yes, this someone is amazing. This someone kisses me passionately and has nothing by deep, true, affectionate, doting love for me. This person
This person doesn’t exist. It pains me to think about it. I don’t want to want anyone… but I can’t help it.
I go back and forth in my mind between feeling a deep longing to feeling so angry at myself. I want someone to take everything away from my memory but how could I ever want someone to do that for me? All I have to do is pray. Yes, I’ve been praying and yes, time has healed me but the memories are still here and new, fictional ones are forming. It’s not fair.
God has always been enough for me. But my flesh is just doing its thing. It wants someone. My flesh doesn’t want to be alone anymore. It misses having someone and being someone’s.
“This person:” I don’t know who you are but I want you. Erase all your bad connotations of “want,” because THAT is not what I want. All I want is you.