Crying Out

I cry out

For Your hand of mercy to heal me

I am weak

And I need Your love to free me

O, LORD, my Rock

My strength in weakness

Come rescue me, O LORD

There’s something about crying out to the LORD in your weakest. There’s something so comforting, before anything has even changed, about knowing that God has heard your cry and will answer, heal, and mend you in His time.

I was listening to Isaiah 38 last night (en Español) and this stuck out to me:

In those days Hezekiah became sick and was at the point of death. And Isaiah the prophet the son of Amoz came to him, and said to him, “Thus says the LORD: Set your house in order, for you shall die, you shall not recover.” Then Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to the LORD, and said, “Please, O LORD, remember how I have walked before you in faithfulness and with a whole heart, and have done what is good in your sight.” And Hezekiah wept bitterly.

Then the word of the LORD came to Isaiah: “Go and say to Hezekiah, Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will add fifteen years to your life. I will deliver you and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria, and will defend this city.

Isaiah 38:1-6, ESV

 

En aquellos días Ezequías enfermó de muerte. Y vino a él el profeta Isaías hijo de Amoz, y le dijo: Jehová dice así: Ordena tu casa, porque morirás, y no vivirás.

Entonces volvió Ezequías su rostro a la pared, e hizo oración a Jehová,

y dijo: Oh Jehová, te ruego que te acuerdes ahora que he andado delante de ti en verdad y con íntegro corazón, y que he hecho lo que ha sido agradable delante de tus ojos. Y lloró Ezequías con gran lloro.

Entonces vino palabra de Jehová a Isaías, diciendo:

Ve y di a Ezequías: Jehová Dios de David tu padre dice así: He oído tu oración, y visto tus lágrimas; he aquí que yo añado a tus días quince años.

Y te libraré a ti y a esta ciudad, de mano del rey de Asiria; y a esta ciudad ampararé.

Isaías 38:1-6, RVR1960

 

I’m not sure what more there is to say… but how awesome is it that we have a God who hears our prayers, studies our hearts, and sees our tears. Praise the LORD. Gloria Dios.

 

 

Reminders.

It’s so hard to concentrate when your mind is reminding you about certain things passed. How I felt owned- like my body was owned. I knew my physical body was not my own and if I didn’t feel that then I was soon reminded. Now I feel the need to be all alone and away from everyone so no one can touch me and where my body is my own.. where my body is mine.

A voice that starts as inviting, calming, and soothing, then becomes so demanding and confident that he is in control. Confident that I have no power. Confident that I am weak. And I was. I felt like I had nothing. Like I had no other choice but to listen to him and to do what he said or to suffer the consequences, which I wanted, but not that way.

Then eventually I ran to it. I ran to this dominating force because it made me feel wanted and desired and loved and important. And who doesn’t want that? So I did it to myself, didn’t I? Not long after, I couldn’t help myself. It was either be under the hand of this young man or be completely alone and I chose the former. For a while, though, I did choose to be alone. I thought there was something better coming. Some better things did come, but completely for the worse. They never lasted and the only one that was always there was him. So at times I did go back, with no intention of anything but just to say, “Hello” or to show gratitude. Whatever the reason was, it always ended up the same. With his control, with his dominance, with his strong hands and sweet voice, with my weakness, and with my submission.

Part of me still wants to go back. Sometimes this loneliness just consumes me and it just seems as if I’m wasting time. I could be happy and I could be with someone to take care of me and to care for me. But then my mind allows me to remember only some of what happened and I realize that it clearly is not a good idea.

But I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. It’s been months and years… it’s like my mind just can’t let it go.