I saw Gordon College’s production of The Screwtape Letters this past evening. One thing that happened from watching it was the realization that it is so real. satan has his demons crawling around the earth tempting us, trying to get us to fall, and doing their best to drag us down to the same fiery pit they have all been sentenced to. But oh, dear brothers and sisters, we are not satan’s and we are not slaves to our sins. When sin controls us, we act as satan’s puppets doing whatever he tells us to do. But rejoice, for in Christ we are freed from sin and from the chains, or strings, that the enemy tries to have us on. Don’t give the enemy the satisfaction. Stay true to God and His Word. He brings freedom and breaks the chains! The enemy has NO power so put him on notice!
By the way, if you’ve never read the book or seen the play, I highly encourage you to.
It’s so hard to concentrate when your mind is reminding you about certain things passed. How I felt owned- like my body was owned. I knew my physical body was not my own and if I didn’t feel that then I was soon reminded. Now I feel the need to be all alone and away from everyone so no one can touch me and where my body is my own.. where my body is mine.
A voice that starts as inviting, calming, and soothing, then becomes so demanding and confident that he is in control. Confident that I have no power. Confident that I am weak. And I was. I felt like I had nothing. Like I had no other choice but to listen to him and to do what he said or to suffer the consequences, which I wanted, but not that way.
Then eventually I ran to it. I ran to this dominating force because it made me feel wanted and desired and loved and important. And who doesn’t want that? So I did it to myself, didn’t I? Not long after, I couldn’t help myself. It was either be under the hand of this young man or be completely alone and I chose the former. For a while, though, I did choose to be alone. I thought there was something better coming. Some better things did come, but completely for the worse. They never lasted and the only one that was always there was him. So at times I did go back, with no intention of anything but just to say, “Hello” or to show gratitude. Whatever the reason was, it always ended up the same. With his control, with his dominance, with his strong hands and sweet voice, with my weakness, and with my submission.
Part of me still wants to go back. Sometimes this loneliness just consumes me and it just seems as if I’m wasting time. I could be happy and I could be with someone to take care of me and to care for me. But then my mind allows me to remember only some of what happened and I realize that it clearly is not a good idea.
But I don’t know why I feel this way sometimes. It’s been months and years… it’s like my mind just can’t let it go.
I’m going to try to begin writing down my dreams again… Three times this month, I’ve had dreams either with (twice) “you know who” or in regards to (once) “you know who.” Why. In the world. Am I dreaming about him. Last night’s dream even had him coming back and explaining himself! In a very inexcusable way, but really? I’ve been praying: “God, if he is not going to come back and explain himself then PLEASE let me stop dreaming about him.” That’s just torture… and it’s not like he’s on the mind before I go to sleep. He just pops up out of nowhere.
Hopefully, if he never says a word to me again, that was the last dream.
Does anyone realize how hard it is to forgive someone who has never apologized… Someone who literally walked in and walked out without even a small, “Goodbye?” Just nothing.
It’s hard. It’s so hard.
From October 14…
Mark 13 is heavy on my heart tonight… “The coming of the Son of Man can be illustrated by the story of a man going on a long trip. When he left home, he gave each of his slaves instructions about the work they were to do, and he told the gatekeeper to watch for his return. You, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know when the master of the household will return—in the evening, at midnight, before dawn, or at daybreak. Don’t let him find you sleeping when he arrives without warning. I say to you what I say to everyone: Watch for him!” (Mark 13:34-37 NLT)
Why do we sin…? Because we’re human and because we’re fleshly. We have lustful desires and we sin. But WHY? The temptation is always there but is it ever worth it? Can we begin to exercise our willpower THAT GOD GAVE US and say, “No! Get behind me, satan!” to our temptations? Because what if… What if that ONE time you give in, you hear the trumpets? That ONE time, you see the Son of Man (behold, he comes!) riding on the clouds? How ashamed would we be if Jesus the Christ himself returned to earth to gather God’s chosen and we are caught in our mess?
It turns into a question of, “Who do we love more? Our God or our sin?” One cannot have two masters.
Be alert. He’s coming soon.
1 John 3:15, NLT: “Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don’t have eternal life within them.”
I want to so badly say that I hate him. I want to so badly.
I want to forgive him. I want to be able to say that I forgive him and mean it. But I can’t.
I just want him to apologize. Who with a heart leads someone on to something that they have always wanted then drops off the face of the earth like nothing has happened?
I’m over it. I’m over him. But I am not over what happened… All these months later, it still hurts and I don’t know why.
It’s alright though. What doesn’t kill you…
I don’t want to be a murderer. I don’t want to have hardness in my heart. I don’t want to have bad thoughts of someone the second I hear the name or see someone who looks like him, but it’s so, so hard.
I just want to be completely over this heartache.
Why can’t I be completely over this heartache..?